DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving?

GENTLE READER: Probably not with your neighbors.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter, who is 6 1/2 years old and weighs about 45 pounds, is a beautiful little blonde with curly hair and blue eyes, and reminds me of an angel. But my mother-in-law, stepmother-in-law and brother-in-law all make comments about her, such as, "She sure has thinned out," and "She's getting thin" and "She's getting tall, she's lost some of her belly."

This infuriates me! My daughter is not the only person they talk about like this (they say stuff about everyone), but she is my main concern. She is fit and cute as a bug, and is NOT overweight in the least. She has never even had "baby fat," so to speak. If anything, she is petite.

Those three are the only ones who have ever made comments about her, and when I tell other people (my friends or other family members), they don't understand what my other family is seeing. The ones who say these things do not intend to be mean -- they love my daughter -- they just seem to be too much into looks and how others look.

It is concerning. I don't want to be rude, but do want to make a point that they are being rude, and if they don't stop, one day my daughter is going to hear a comment that makes her think badly of herself. Girls' self-esteems are so delicate, don't you think? So what should I say to family to get my point across before I go psycho mom on them?

GENTLE READER: It might be too late for that.

But Miss Manners understands your frustration. While you rightly perceive your relatives' appraisals to be insulting in their implication that your daughter used to be overweight, the actual words are that she is now not.

Miss Manners agrees that no weight assessment should be made to anyone, much less a 6-year-old. Unfortunately, we live in a time where being thin is equated with beauty, and losing weight a commendable achievement. In other words, your relatives think they are paying your daughter compliments.

While Miss Manners fears that she will not be able to correct this overall backward thinking, she can indeed reassure you that she condemns their utterance. And in your daughter's case, finds them redundant. Losing baby fat is what children tend to do when they are no longer babies. However, please try to continue ignoring these comments and focus on the obvious joy that you take in your daughter's beauty.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are your thoughts on being invited to a Thanksgiving meal, only to be asked to pay per person (family)? Not everyone invited is asked to pay, and those that are asked to pay, pay more than a fair share.

GENTLE READER: As this seems to be a business proposition, Miss Manners would think those being charged would weigh the amount of thankfulness they expect to receive in return and check whether there might be a better deal elsewhere.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are debating the use of a spoon during dinner (not for soup or dessert). We often have rice as a side dish, or mixed vegetables. He uses a spoon to eat it! Not to push onto a fork (as is etiquette), but to eat from the spoon like a shovel! He is teaching my 4-year-old to do the same thing.

I maintain the spoon or knife can be used to push the food onto the fork, but may not be eaten directly from the spoon. Which is the right protocol?

GENTLE READER: Are you sure it is not the 4-year-old who is teaching him?

Or perhaps, depending on how old your husband is, he is remembering a time before the widespread use of the fork, when most people ate with spoons. That was in the early 19th century, after which the spoon was banished from the main course.

In any case, both of them are now old enough to eat with a fork.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend keeps calling to sleep over because she works part time on call, lives about an hour away, and if she stays at our house, she will get to work in 10 minutes.

I have a 5-year-old and am married, and I let her stay already one time thus far. I care about her, but she tends to have a habit to always overstay her welcome -- it's a pattern. How do I say no without hurting her feelings?

GENTLE READER: It would be convenient if moochers did not have feelings, but Miss Manners has noticed that this is seldom the case: Too many appear to hoard their emotions, being doubly sensitive in regards to their own comfort while ignoring yours.

You may have to choose between saying "no" and hurting your friend's feelings, but you do not have to choose between saying "no" and being rude. The trick is to avoid both specifics and generalities. Tell your friend that the night she has asked about is not possible for you. Do not explain why. And do not tell her that she will hear this answer every time she calls. She will eventually get the idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a lecture in my college class, somebody will sneeze. I know that the polite thing to do is to say "Bless you," but is it polite to disrupt the entire lecture by yelling it across the room?

I have several classmates who will loudly say "Bless you" at every sneeze. The "blessings" are more disruptive then the sneeze! They even do this during exam time.

The ones bestowing the blessing are polite and very nice people, but the blessings are a little too much.

GENTLE READER: While philosophers may spend their time debating the sound made by the proverbial tree falling in the proverbial forest, etiquette has less free time.

She, in the person of Miss Manners, does not require acknowledgment of things unseen, or in this case unheard. No one is required to say "hello" to someone spotted a block away. And in the interest of practicality, she also asserts that beyond a certain distance -- arm's length, in this case -- no one is expected to have heard, and no response is necessary.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As Thanksgiving approaches, I am at a loss to respond to my stepson (married with three children), who views an invitation to dinner as an opening for negotiations.

For example, we have invited his family for dinner (with other guests) at 6 p.m. In response, he asks: "Who will be there? What are we having? We don't like to sit down to dinner -- we find sitting in a dining room too confining. We might be late because we are visiting (his wife's) family in the afternoon. Make sure the meal is ready at 6 sharp," etc.

My preferred response would be, "We are having Thanksgiving dinner at 6 p.m., so if you can't attend, we understand."

However, in an effort to keep the peace, I have, over the last few years, served his family Thanksgiving brunch/lunch, then prepared and served the planned dinner; prepared and served two Christmas meals at the time and manner demanded: "not in the dining room," "not before noon," "no turkey," "We won't be there on Thursday, but will come on Friday," etc.

I was taught that it was not polite to ask the menu (absent some real medical issue), but simply to accept or decline with regret the invitation as presented.

I would like to avoid the "second seating" option. Is there any good way to respond and stop the negotiations?

GENTLE READER: Remember the children's table? That was once a staple of holiday parties, to separate civilized diners from not-yet-civilized diners. It seems to Miss Manners that your stepson meets the latter qualification.

She understands that for family reasons you do not want to use the legitimate option of saying that you understand that they will not attend. But you can meet the unwarranted demands while still holding the meal you had planned for others.

If the times coincide, you can hold your meal in the dining room while providing room and turkey-free plates elsewhere, in acknowledgment of their not wanting to sit down. If they arrive at a different time or a different day -- well, everyone knows how good holiday leftovers are.

And as you will graciously point out, you will be doing this to comply with your stepson's stated wishes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I was addressing our gift card and package to an out-of-state relative of my husband's, I noticed an extra card in the wedding invitation with hotel options, day-of logistics, etc.

At the bottom of this card was the strangest statement and something I have never seen on a wedding invitation. It said, "In Lue (sic) of Thank You Notes, we are making donations to (two very reputable charitable organizations)."

I just don't understand. How am I to know if they received and liked our gift? This seems very odd to me.

GENTLE READER: The oddest part is that these people believe that they will appear to be generous while exhibiting a stunning lack of respect for your generosity. And Miss Manners bets that they expect the charities to acknowledge their donations, with the documentation necessary for them to get tax credit.

Have you sent that package? If not, you might want to write them that you appreciate their interest in those charities, and therefore are donating to them in lieu (maybe they will learn to spell that) of sending a wedding present.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)