DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is punctuation in text messaging necessary?

GENTLE READER: Onlyifyouwanttobeunderstood

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My employer texted a photo of a woman he's seeing while he was out on a date with her. This isn't the first time it's happened.

I know the woman through him and like her, but it's not like we're family. I don't know if he asked her permission. I feel like there's something manipulative about this behavior, and I don't want to be involved. Any thoughts on how to gracefully handle this uncomfortable situation?

GENTLE READER: There are so many things that are improper about this situation that Miss Manners hardly knows where to start. That your employer may not have asked the subject's permission actually seems the least of his offenses, although still great.

Whatever his ulterior motive with you might be, it is certainly not professional. If you wish to keep the relationship so, try saying, "Oh, you must have accidentally sent your dinner date's picture to me. Did you mean to text me a work question instead?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I stayed with my parents for a week during vacation. I moved out years ago and no longer have a room, but stayed in the guest room.

My family took no time off for my visit and made no special efforts to spend time with me, despite the fact it had been years since I had been home, as my job keeps me out of the country.

At the end of the visit, even though it felt as if I was an imposition and not a daughter coming home, I thanked my mother with a massive hug and some flowers, and my father as well, before I left to return overseas.

Months later, my father calls to tell me my mother is angry with me for not sending a thank-you note. I was shocked that this was even an issue. If I were staying with friends or even other family members, yes, I would absolutely write thank-you notes, but to my own parents? For a week visit during which they didn't even make time for me?

This caused a huge rift in the family, and I understand that I could have just written the note, but it's the principle of the matter that I'm their daughter, it wasn't a special occasion and I didn't see the point. Was I wrong in thinking a thank-you note was inappropriate?

GENTLE READER: You are not wrong in thinking that written thanks for going home are not mandatory. Flowers and a hug are an acceptable response after visiting one's own parents.

Forgive Miss Manners for being suspicious, but your family's behavior seems so insensitive and yours so impeccable that she wonders if the family has an additional grievance. That, whatever it is, might be unfair or unwarranted. However, a note that is part thank-you, part inquiry into the reason that your parents are so distant, might pacify your mother and help repair the rift.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are preparing to celebrate my daughter's fourth birthday and are hosting her first party. We don't expect any gifts. The invitation is extended for them to come celebrate with us, no gifts expected.

Lately, on half the invitations we've received, there is a statement about "your presence is the only present required." But if we show up empty-handed, there still appears to be a pile of gifts, and we feel embarrassed. When there is no mention on the invite, people still seem to bring gifts.

Is it better to put the "no gifts" disclaimer on the invitation, or just say nothing and hope they know that it's not expected? It seems tacky to mention gifts, but might it appear that we expect them if nothing is said?

GENTLE READER: When you say that "we" do not expect any gifts, Miss Manners would be delighted, if surprised, to hear that the pronoun includes your daughter and not just you and your spouse.

Denying, convincingly, that your child is counting on a present, and yet showing enthusiastic gratitude when one arrives, is good manners, but it would require an emotional dexterity that challenges even adults. Although hypocrisy in the name of good manners can be a virtue, telling people on the invitation that a present is not expected at the birthday of a 4-year-old strains credulity beyond reason.

Better to omit any mention of presents, accept the gifts that do arrive with a smile, a thank-you -- and, of course, a subsequent thank-you card -- and put them away quickly, for later consumption.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why are cuss words, cuss words?

GENTLE READER: By general agreement, arising from usage, that certain words are offensive. Miss Manners is therefore puzzled that people who enjoy shocking others sprinkle them around so freely as to nullify their effectiveness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very dear friend of the family has passed away. He will be cremated with a memorial service in the future. I would like to do or give something to his widow, but I'm not sure what would be appropriate.

GENTLE READER: Gift-giving in connection with funerals has a long and troubled history, tied up as it unavoidably is with the feelings of the survivors. But death should not be automatically considered a fundraising opportunity.

Until recently, gifts tended to flow from the bereaved family to other mourners. Victorian widows provided mourning clothes to their servants, who were allowed to keep them, presumably because they already fit, and in the expectation that the staff might be affected by financial consequences resulting from the loss of family income. Modern widows sometimes give personal items belonging to the deceased to relatives and friends as tokens of remembrance.

Gifts to the principal mourner raise different issues. The desperate family whose source of support died may be discreetly helped by friends financially, although good taste precludes this from being preceded by active solicitations by the recipients.

Whether or not the loss was economic, death is inevitably a loss of company and companionship. Miss Manners therefore observes that unobtrusive but ongoing attention is often the most welcome present.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a male member of a popular dating website. When I read the profile of someone I'd like to meet, I write them a personalized letter pointing out some of our common interests, adding a bit of levity where I can, suggesting we meet for coffee and conversation. These letters generally run from five to eight sentences. In other words, I've put some effort into it.

I rarely receive any response. Since we are both members of this group seeking the same goal -- companionship -- doesn't social etiquette require some acknowledgment of receipt and a response?

Even if there is no interest on their part, what is so difficult in responding, "Thank you for your interest. While I enjoyed reading your profile, I do not see us as a couple. Best of luck in your search"?

I think it's very rude to ignore someone's personal communication to you. Jane Austen would be aghast at the behavior of her gender in the 21st century!

GENTLE READER? Do you think so?

Could you be confusing her with Lady Catherine de Bourgh, who allows no room for context when she issues directives?

The Miss Austen that Miss Manners knows is uncannily alert to the subtleties in any social situation. She gave ample evidence of being familiar with the tendency of eligible ladies to put themselves forward, as well as that of eligible gentlemen to examine the field.

Still, there is a significant difference between an Assembly at Bath and a flier that is advertising goods to the general public. Online solicitations, where no response need be made if there is no interest, are equivalent to the latter.

Although your tactful wording could serve as a model for rejecting an acquaintance, there is really no charming way, other than silence, to express, "I can't imagine that it would be worth my while to meet you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I can't wrap my mind around those who find it acceptable to attempt to coerce their friends and family members into footing the bill for some unreasonable and ridiculous event that they have planned for themselves.

For instance, my brother was "invited" (if you can call it that) to his roommate/"friend's" wedding, which he would have had to pay $1,200 to attend -- in Mexico. My brother was to be one of the "best men" in the wedding, to top it off.

Oh, but the weirdest part is yet to come: This "friend" tracks my brother's finances via snooping and eavesdropping, and when my brother declined, citing a lack of funds, Adam said, "Well, what happened to the $( ) you got from selling your car?"

After picking my jaw up off the floor, I told my brother to not-so-politely tell Adam to stick the wedding invitation where the sun doesn't shine, move out as soon as humanly possible and distance himself from this person immediately.

GENTLE READER: How shocking of you. Miss Manners would have found a decent way of expressing that thought.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)