Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am not an ugly man, but my appearance is far from normal. Now, what I mean by that isn’t that I’m bald or overweight or anything, but if you’ve taken a look at college-age men these days, they tend to have a certain *look* about them. That curly hair, the same completely clean-shaven body, they’re all wearing the same damn athletic wear, it’s a type. And it’s the vast majority of em. 

Unfortunately for myself, I do not fit that type. I’ve got long(ish, like halfway down my neck) hair, it’s red(which never helps) and a goatee. I would have a full beard, but genetics have decreed it only grows thickly around my chin and mouth, the rest is too scraggly. Otherwise, I’m a fairly hairy individual. My hands, arms, chest, everything is a veritable forest. Even on my feet, my friends say I have Hobbit feet for how much hair is on em. Now, I’m confident in my appearance. I like how I look, I wouldn’t want to change it, I think I look the best I can for my face and so forth. I stay groomed and hygienic, I always wash my hair, and so forth. But women just don’t dig it. I’ve tried dating apps, and I get like no likes. I’ve tried all sorts of profiles, I even have had my friend (who is a master of the stuff) make one, and nothing. No likes, not even matches, no likes. Clearly something is off. Not to mention no woman I’ve ever known has shown interest in me or (to my knowledge) been interested in me. 

So, what do I do? I’m worried if I make a big change to my appearance, then it won’t reflect my personality and identity, and any woman who ends up coming on to me won’t be attracted to the real me. On the other hand, I’m a senior in college, and despite my best efforts, I’ve not had so much as a kiss in four years. It’s getting grim! What do I do?

Misty Mountain Man

DEAR MISTY MOUNTAIN MAN: A couple of things right off the bat, 3M. First: you say it yourself – you don’t know that people have or haven’t shown interest in you. Whether you would recognize when women signs of interest – or believe them if you did – is very different from them not happening.

You’re also working under the assumption that women who are attracted or interested in you are going to be overt about their interest or that they’re going to express it in some way that you would recognize when, quite frankly, many women have reasons to be cautious in how they behave or express interest in a stranger. A lot of signs that someone is interested in you tend to be subtle, especially if they don’t know you. If you’re looking for the sorts of behavior you might expect to see from the female lead in a romantic comedy, you may be looking for a long, long time… even when someone with a massive crush on you is standing right next to you. 

Second: You can’t rely on dating apps as an objective measure of anything other than your ability to craft a good dating profile, which is a skill in and of itself. What responses you do or don’t get aren’t measures of your looks, your desirability or the likelihood of anyone ever wanting to date you.

You have no idea who’s seen your profile, what about your profile that isn’t resonating with them or even if you just haven’t written it to appeal to the people looking for someone like you. Among the many things to keep in mind: there is a massive gender imbalance on most dating apps – up to 70/30 for men to women (with wiggle room for apps that include non-binary, agender and other options), which already limits the potential reach, while the algorithms that run those apps mean that you very well may be not showing up in people’s lists with any frequency. It’s best to think of dating apps like Candy Crush; you can try to push through and with determination you may get somewhere, but they’re designed to frustrate you until you shell out money to not be frustrated.   

In both cases, you’re making these assumptions based on how you feel about yourself, not on actual data or objective reality. You assume it’s true because it feels true. It makes sense to you because this is how you feel right now. That’s not the same thing as actually being true. And if you don’t know it’s true, you also don’t know that it’s not true – that is, you could very well be wrong about people not liking you. You could have more admirers than you realize, even if they don’t shout it from the rooftops. And since both could be equally true, so far as you know, you may as well believe and behave as though it is. Faking it until you make it works, in part because you’re hacking both your brain’s responses and your confirmation bias. Since you’re more likely to see what you expect to see and confirm what you already believe, you may as well believe in things that help you.

But let’s talk about your appearance and where you’re getting some things wrong. And we can start with the idea that you don’t look “normal”. You’re mistaking looking “normal” for “following the popular trends”. Those other gen-z dudes you mention and that “look” they seem to share? That, my guy, is just a fashion trend. The broccoli hair, the athleisure-wear, the lack of body hair is just what’s the latest popular trend. It’s the look that’s everywhere and being promoted as The Latest Hot Thing, so everyone is copying it. This is something that happens so consistently throughout human history that I’m honestly kind of surprised you never noticed it before. For some fun, go and ask your mom, aunts and elder millennial women in your life if they ever had “The Rachel” – nothing else just “The Rachel” and see what happens.

Hell, trawl through recordings, photos and videos of every decade – old MTV broadcasts are especially good snapshots of what was trendy between 1981 and 2017 – and you’ll notice lots of people wearing similar styles of clothes, similar hair and make-up and even body hair.

Yes, body hair. These go in and out of fashion, the same as everything else. For the 70s and 80s, hairy men were the thing, epitomized best by Burt Reynolds’ famous bear-rug photo. So were mustaches, power suits, slicked back hair and rampant cocaine addictions. In the 90s, men had hair drapes, high-top fades, oversized jeans and offensive graphic tees, questionable goatees and started waxing everything but their chests and forearms. In the 00s there were SO many chain wallets, fauxhawks, soul-patches, overly decorated jeans and graphic tees and dudes going as hairless as dolphins because trends in gay porn took over straight dudes ideas of what they were supposed to look like. In 5 years, people will look at the broccoli hair as cringe and some new look will have taken over. As Oscar Wilde once said: “fashion is merely a form of ugliness so absolutely unbearable that we have to alter it every six months!”

(Those of us who remember the days of Members Only jackets, Hammer pants, JNCO, raver-ware and Affliction and Ed Hardy are now pointing out that we don’t need to be lectured about the Old Magic…)

The fact that you don’t follow the trends, in and of themselves, is neutral to verging on good. Not in the sense of “don’t be a sheep, maaaaaan”, but in the sense of “there’s no point in trying to follow a trend that won’t look good on you”. Just as importantly, following your own style and look makes you stand out in a sea of near-identical dudes. Having your own sense of style and identity and being uniquely yourself is a good thing. Not only does this play well when it comes to developing attraction over time, but it also means that the people who are right for you are going to have a much easier time findingyou. You want that. Being polarizing and standing out from the crowd is handy for a very simple reason: broad appeal is shallow appeal. This is why I tell people that you don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea, you want to be a few people’s shot of whiskey; you don’t want a lot of folks who think you’re alright, you want a few people who crave you.

That’s a lot harder to find when you’re following the same trends as everyone else.

Now with that having been said, it sounds to me like you’re ultimately looking for a change. In fact, I suspect there’s a part of you that’s actively looking for permission and that part of you is warring with the side of you that says “this wouldn’t be the real me”. Except… it actually is the real you.

Nobody is going to think you’re lying to them about your identity if you decide to try a different hair style or shave, and they’re not going to feel betrayed if they find out you used to have a more dwarf/viking look. Hell, sometimes the contrast can work for you. Think of how people respond to dudes who look like Dave Bautista or Danny Trejo when they turn out to be sweet, softspoken guys, or some unassuming nerdy-looking dude takes off his glasses and reveals he’s got some serious basketball chops. Contrasts and playing with expectations can work in your favor and make you more interesting than others.

Changing up your style is a matter of self-expression; you’re choosing different aspects of yourself to highlight or bring forward, or even experimenting with who you could be.

None of that is a betrayal of your true self or who “you” are. “You” are a concept that’s always in flux; after all, you’re not rocking the same hair and clothes you were wearing in the 8th grade, are you?

(If you are… well, there’s your problem.)

And as it is, you’re already complaining that “people don’t like your look” so why not change it up a little? College is a time to experiment with different styles and presentations and ideas of who you are. You’re in a position where you have more flexibility and freedom to play around and find what works for you – considerably more than if you work in an office with a dress code or a customer-facing job that may have restrictions on things like facial hair, visible piercings or tattoos, hair length, etc.

There’re a lot of things you could try. You’re a hirsute man, but waxing and manscaping are options. Even if you don’t necessarily want to go smoother than a baby’s butt, you could still grab a body-hair trimmer (not a beard or head trimmer; your body hair is a different thickness and texture), set it to a one on the guard and tame the various thickets you’ve got going.

Similarly, there’re a number of options for fixing a patchy beard. One is simply to let it grow. You may not grow a beard that Ragnar Lothbrok or Thorin Oakenshield would envy, but giving yourself three months will fill in a lot of blank spots and result in a perfectly fine beard. Dev Patel is among those who can’t grow a full wizard-beard, but his facial hair looks great on him when he gives it time to grow in. Alternately, you could go the other direction and go with carefully maintained stubble. You’ll want to keep it soft and supple with a little beard oil and moisturizer, possibly even using some beard conditioner and something like Soft Goat to smooth down the prickly parts, but it’s an option that works for a lot of guys.  

Or you could just say “f--k it” and rock a mustache or goatee because why not?

The same applies to your hair; you can try different cuts or styles without losing all the length but still staying true to the general look you want. You can also try different long cuts to keep the length but change up the overall look. You may find a new look that really works for you, or you may decide that this didn’t really click and go back to what you were doing before… or you may even find a hybrid style between the two. That’s the nice thing about stuff like beards and hair: the changes are rarely permanent. If you don’t like it… you can go back to what you had before (with time) or just say “screw it”, shave it all off and start over from scratch. God knows I’ve done that more than a few times in my life.

And to be perfectly honest: a simple haircut and beard trim can be transformational, as can changing up your wardrobe. You don’t need to abandon your sense of self, but you also don’t need to stick to something just because you’ve been doing it for a long time. Varying your look isn’t abandoning or betraying your “personality” and it’s not going to magically trick people into thinking that you’re actually someone diametrically opposed to you. It may, however, make people give you a second look, simply because you now look different from what they’re used to seeing.

And if they do act surprised or feel betrayed by discovering that you usually wear a beard and long hair, or you go to an aesthetician to keep your chest-thicket under control… well, that’s someone who probably doesn’t understand where Clark Kent goes when his glasses come off.

But more than anything else, your confidence in your appearance needs to come from within, not from other people’s expectations. As long as you’re coming to this from a position of needing other people’s vocal approval to feel comfortable in who you are, you’re never going to actually be secure in yourself. You’ll always be at the mercy at the tides of fashion and the whims of random people. Finding your true self, polishing it up and expressing it, regardless of whether it’s of the moment or not, is how you build confidence. That’s what people respond to, far more than whether you’re successfully matching whatever the latest look TikTok spawned.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Since I found your site I’ve read a number of your articles, especially the ones about fear of failure and rejection, the abundance mindset, your deconstruction of male beauty standards and “what women want”, and overall, I think you give good advice. My problem is this: it feels like I can’t apply any of it to my dating problems because I’m trans and only cis people have the luxury of being picky about who they want. I’ll read your and similar articles and my mind immediately goes “yeah, but that’s for ‘normal’ people who have options”.

Take height and 6 6s rule, for example. Yeah, of course it’s toxic, but the fact remains I’m 5’6 which is not gonna match anyone’s height filter on apps (I mean, why bother setting one up only to include such below average heights), but the height is the lesser of my problems next to having the “wrong” genitals for straight women and no ability to have kids. I absolutely resent not having the CHOICE to decide whether I want kids or not, it’s been decided by random biology and now it’s yet another thing to be excluded for. Sure, cishet couples can use assisted reproduction but they don’t enter into the relationship already knowing it isn’t possible to have kids with each other. I struggle to see how any woman who wants kids would choose me over the millions of single guys who can provide the goods, so to speak, so… I can’t have preferences about children either. I have to look for women who don’t want kids and just hope the body is tolerable to them.

Speaking of tolerable, I’m not as conventionally attractive as cis men who didn’t go through feminizing puberty (I came out too late for blockers to ever be in the equation), I still have a round chubby face despite literal years on testosterone, I’ve already mentioned my short height, and then there’s the unexpected surprise of what’s in my pants. Unfortunately, I’ve also put on some weight from stress which will be clear below, so I’m not even skinny anymore. I pass with clothes on, so people expect me to be cis, which in most situations doesn’t matter to me one way or the other, but when it comes to explaining to a potential partner “so about how you think I have a penis, well psyche, I don’t! Still interested?” That gives me panic attacks to even imagine.

I’ve tried doing all the commonly advised things to improve body image like going to the gym (otherwise I exercise by cycling, hiking and swimming when possible), but I always give up after a short while because even if I managed to put a bit more muscle on my body, it would still not be the “right” body for women to be attracted to in a man.

I’ve also tried some of your other mindset tips, like noticing couples in public spaces and how many of the guys aren’t textbook attractive, but then I again think yeah, but they have the right parts. For me it’s not just a question of shallow appearance points, I don’t even meet the most basic societal definition of what a man IS.

I have never used dating apps, partly for all the usual reasons you hear from men and have covered in your column, and because I don’t know whether I should put that I’m trans up front and instantly be judged on it. If I don’t, I’ll just get rejected face to face which would destroy me since it would confirm how undesirable I am because of this. If I do, probably no one will message me at all. I hear constantly about how much cis men struggle to date and then I look at myself… If the “normal” people who meet all the stats can’t find partners, what chance could I possibly have. I don’t even qualify to be judged on one of the mythical 6s, falling short would be an improvement!

My only long-term relationship happened by complete luck by meeting someone on LiveJournal (yes really) and ended in a traumatic discard 10 years later (calling it a breakup would be too nice). And by the way, in the last year of the relationship my ex did triangulate me with celebrities, did blame me for not looking like Chris Hemsworth, wanted me to lose weight even when I was 62kg, blamed me for every issue that ever happened to the point I walked on eggshells, and when dumping me (out of the blue) gave a bunch more superficial reasons like not earning enough for the right “lifestyle” and made a lot of statements about how I wasn’t good enough and “every girl” wants what she wanted. So you see, it’s not men who have given me this sense of defectiveness and inadequacy, it was an apparently lovely long-term female partner. But she didn’t technically say I should be cis… So despite this trauma and what I now believe was narcissism (there’s a lot more to that story I don’t want to get into here, I’ve been in therapy for it several times), I was still devastated to lose this person I was genuinely in love with, who did accept my “dealbreaker” physical characteristics at least on the gender front.

That was several years ago and I’m only putting it for context, I don’t want to give this person any more of my time which was clearly not valued to begin with. But now that I can finally think of being with someone else conceptually, there’s no one interested at all. I don’t struggle to socialize and make friends, but that’s all it ever is, and most people are already partnered. I’ve lost all the time when people are normally looking for partners by sticking with my ex despite the issues, so now I’m 36, still single, with all these undesirable traits, watching people 10 years younger get married and feeling awful about myself. It’s all well and good if Gen Z are supposedly more open-minded but I can’t go around dating literal 20-year-olds. I don’t want to be alone forever, and I’m fed up with being told to “enjoy” not having a partner. Also, despite the dysphoria (mostly social, based on being excluded from people’s attraction), I still have the sex drive of the average cis guy and having nothing but myself and fictional fantasies on that front for over 3 years is torture at this point. Especially when I can’t see anyone finding me sexually attractive

As for going outside and improving myself, like I said I go to interest-based groups, I can make friends, I have two university degrees (and working on a third since I changed careers), a stable job, just became a homeowner and actually have a supportive family unlike a lot of people in my situation. But I just feel like I have abilities, not any inherent desirability as a partner. It feels like all my accomplishments are to “make up” for this massive shortcoming of being in the “wrong” body. I can talk about that being a social construct all day long, but if most people still believe that man=penis, that doesn’t really help me find someone.

In fact, people can’t even tell I’m trans at first glance and I still haven’t had any romantic interest since my ex, so that’s less than once a decade. How can I apply any of that advice when there is nothing to “pick” from, and even if someone did become interested from say a shared hobby, it would probably go nowhere once they discovered my “secret”. (I’ve had someone I wasn’t even interested in rant at me in public about how if she found out a guy she was into had a vagina she would “freak out”, so this isn’t some hypothetical.)

And before you suggest it, I have been to many trans spaces and it always goes the same way: half the people there act as if I’m being transphobic for struggling and take offence at me presenting with this problem, the other half are as hopeless as me and can’t advise me anything, and then the occasional person tells me to change what I want and become poly (which I could not deal with emotionally) or only date other trans people (never mind that’s a tiny fraction of the population and most of the trans women I’ve met in the wild weren’t into men at all). A lot of people in the LGBTQ+ community also act like you have to be trans AND some other queer identity to “count” (even though all my discrimination has always stemmed from gender, even back when I thought I was bi). Rarely there is someone who gets it, but then I don’t believe them anyway because it feels like what you’re “supposed to” say in a trans space and what do they know about how cis women would react. I don’t identify as queer myself now, I’m just a straight guy who wants a monogamous relationship and maybe kids but doesn’t have the equipment. So I don’t fit in queer spaces or cishet spaces. Still, I’d rather have your advice as a reasonable cis person who might have more insight into “mainstream” society. Are my odds simply too bad? What do I have to do for someone to look past this glaring issue?

With best wishes,

Abnormal Normie

DEAR ABBIE NORMIE: I’m going to be honest: this is a rough one, AN. It’s really hard to say “everything will be ok” under the best of circumstances when trans people have a rough go of things and understandably fear for their physical and emotional safety. It’s even rougher now, at a time when forces in governments in the US and the UK are doing their best to erase trans people’s rights as well as their very existence.

But as hard and scary as things are, there’s still hope. I know it feels like the darkest night is upon us, but there’s still light holding back the dark. Love and joy still exist and are part of what holds the dark at bay and that makes it all the more important to look for it, find it and nurture it, in defiance of everyone who tries to snuff it out.

So I’m going to agree with you right at the top: yeah, you’ve been dealt a s--tty hand and circumstances have made it even s--ttier, through no fault of your own. This really is a case where a lot of the s--t you’re dealing with is entirely outside of your control, and I won’t sugar coat it: it’s going to make things a lot harder for you.

But a lot is not the same as “all of it”. You’re already coming from a difficult place, especially these days.

That’s why I think it’s important that you don’t make things even harder on yourself.  

I think you’re carrying around a lot of understandable pain and trauma and that’s playing into much of what you’re feeling, but I think it’s also causing you to focus so narrowly on the assumptions you’re making about folks and about yourself.

Defining yourself as abnormal is part of it; as soon as you start setting yourself apart like this, you create a mindset that ends up reinforcing the idea that there’s something inherently wrong with you. There’s a world of distinction and divergence between being “abnormal” and just being different. You may not be typical, but you’re not flawed, no matter what bigoted f--kheads say. And to be clear, I am absolutely including your s--tty, s--tty ex, whose opinions should be disregarded with such prejudice that you could safely assume the opposite of literally anything she believed, up to and including her opinions on cheese.   

It seems pretty clear to me that part of this is directly because of the abuse you endured in your previous relationship. Just because someone was accepting of your being trans doesn’t mean that everything else was hunky-dory or that the rest of the relationship was acceptable and normal. Because HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S--T it absolutely wasn’t. Your ex may have accepted you as a trans man, but she was still more toxic than the Bhopal leak and subjected you to all kinds of emotional abuse. Everything you describe about how she treated you and the things that she blamed you for – for not being a Marvel Chris, for not making enough money to support her in the lifestyle to which she intended to become accustomed – was abusive as f--k and was very much about making you take responsibility for her bulls--t. And I think, to a certain extent, you took it to heart that she had a point. Even though that point was on the knife she kept stabbing you with.

“Every girl wants this” my entire ass. You know how they say “kill the cop in your head?” Well, in this case, it’s more “evict your f--king ex like the illegal squatter she is, toss out all her s--t, change the locks and hire a hazmat team to clean the place out and a priest to perform an exorcism just in case there’s any traces of her left behind.” She’s taken up far too much of your mental and emotional bandwidth and it’s far past the point where every remaining scrap of her should be tossed into the compost where it belongs.

I don’t blame you for the complex feelings you had over the end of the relationship or staying with her for as long as you did; toxic and abusive relationships f--k with your head and they can be incredibly hard to leave. But I think she’s left far deeper scars than you may realize and they’re still affecting you even after all this time. You mention that you’ve sought therapy about this relationship before, which is good. But I’m wondering if you haven’t sought therapy and treatment for what sounds like CPTSD; a lot of the way you describe yourself and the way you feel seem to hit a lot of the commonly reported symptoms. If that hasn’t been part of the discussion you’ve had with your therapist(s), then that’s one of the first places I’d suggest you start.

That, I think, would be an important starting point for you. But the next thing I think that you need to do is to start addressing what are some pretty clear self-limiting beliefs about yourself and about others. There’re a few areas where you’re buying hard into negative assumptions – about yourself and about what others would or could think or feel – that you’re clinging to in no small part because they confirm this idea that you’re flawed or not normal. The way you describe them makes it sound like you believe that they’re correct to be this way, rather than being an extension of how you’ve been made to feel about yourself. And honestly, I’m not entirely surprised; everyone has an inherent negativity bias, where negative beliefs, experiences and feelings have five times the impact of positive ones. It’s an evolutionary hold-over where recognizing negative patterns meant the difference between life and death; knowing that Krog, Grunt and Thud all died because they ate those red berries is an important survival technique.

Unfortunately, that negativity bias continues to work even when we don’t need to be on the look out for poisonous food or hidden tigers. It makes these negative, limiting beliefs and biases a lot harder to shake, especially if it gets tied up with confirmation bias about the worst things you already believe about yourself.

You leap right into this when you say “ok sure, the six sixes are toxic but…”and then miss the point entirely. The idea that you need “the six sixes” (six feet tall, six pack abs, six inch or bigger penis, six figure salary, 600 HP car) to date or find love is a toxic and restrictive belief about masculinity, but it’s also bulls--t. It’s bulls--t sprayed from cholera-infected bovines, and it should be immediately obvious to anyone with common sense and the ability to observe objective reality.

Men who are six feet tall in the or taller make up less than 15% of the US population and barely 5% of the population globally. The number of people who are both over six feet tall and make over $100k is even lower. If any of this were true, the human race would have died out generations ago. But just as importantly: all you need to do is look out the window to see it’s not true. You can go into any Costco or grocery store on any given Sunday and see dozens upon dozens of couples made up of women with men of average height, as well as women with short kings.

It’s easy to believe and use as a cudgel to beat yourself with because it just validates what you already believe, but it’s not even vaguely correct. Rejecting actual reality in order to reaffirm your supposed abnormality or hopelessness is just a form of emotional self-harm.

So, for that matter, is the idea that you’re excluded from relationships because you can’t have children the way someone who was AMAB could. Leaving aside the idea that cis people all go into relationships with the assumption or knowledge that they won’t need some sort of medical assistance to have children (demonstrably untrue), this is something that’s not relevant to you in the first place. Nor are things like “surprising people by having the wrong genitals” or the rest of it. All of this is predicated on the idea that you should be approaching dating as though you’re a cis man, when you’re not and shouldn’t.

The way you describe things in your letter makes it sound like you’re trying to stay under the radar until such a time when you can make your dramatic reveal. Case in point: you say “it would probably go nowhere once they discovered my ‘secret’” and “I have never used dating apps […] because I don’t know whether I should put that I’m trans up front and instantly be judged on it”. I realize that I’m saying this as a straight, cis man but… “well, there’s your problem.”

I absolutely understand why a trans person might want to stay in stealth mode in many situations, especially right as fascistic monsters are trying to eradicate trans people even as a concept. But Jesus f--knuts tapdancing CHRIST I can’t imagine a worse or more dangerous way for a trans person to try to find love – emotionally or physically. Not today, and especially not like that.

The whole “I’d freak out if I found out a guy I liked had a vagina” thing should never, ever be in the equation because the last thing you want is to be dating someone who doesn’t want to date a trans man. You especially don’t want to be making emotional investment in someone – and being invested in in return – when you’ve been concealing this crucial aspect of who you are as a person. That’s a great way to get your heart broken if you’re lucky. It’s an even better way to find someone who’s going to have an absurdly negative response – even if they don’t lash out physically, they can still do so in other ways that could be just as dangerous for you.

Even if they didn’t, the last thing you want is to date someone who’s with you despite this defining aspect of who you are; even under the best of circumstances, that’s someone who’s unwilling or unable to accept the sum totality of you and treats this foundational part of you as though it were something that could be ignored or even excised. That’s not about being abnormal or flawed, that’s just basic compatibility. Much like your abusive ex, you don’t want someone who is magnanimously “overlooking your ‘flaws’”, you want someone who is with you because they want to be with you, specifically. They are with you because they love your holistic self and understand that even parts that they may not prefer are part of what make you uniquely you.

I could keep going, honestly, but it sounds to me that the issue here is your treating your being trans as something shameful that you need to hide or make up for instead of accepting as who you are. I think this feeling may tie into the issues you’ve had trying to find acceptance and community in queer and LGTBQ spaces; it’s hard to find love and family when you refuse to listen to them or refuse to believe them when you do. And yes, I do mean refuse. That’s very much a choice on your part, in no small part because you seem to want to disbelieve them.

You ask “what do they know about how cis women would react”, but the answer is “quite a lot, from experience”. I can guarantee you that everyone in those spaces has dealt with cis women and cis women learning that they’re trans – as friends, frenemies, foes, co-workers, comrades, opponents, competitors, sisters and lovers, and their experience is no less valid for not being as relentlessly negative as you expect. Or that you seem to want to see, for that matter.

So like I said: I’m a straight cis guy, so my insight into this is going to be limited. But while there are very real challenges and limitations that you would face on the dating scene as a trans man, they’re not insurmountable, even in the “mainstream”, as it were. However, I think the question is ultimately moot because it doesn’t sound to me like you’re in a good place, emotionally, to be dating. You’re carrying around a lot of pain and self-loathing and I think you need to address that before you focus on trying to find a partner. Until you do, I think you’re going to have an exceedingly difficult time meeting people, actually forming a relationship or making it work; I honestly think there’s a better-than-average chance that the people you’d be most likely to find would be echoes of your abusive ex.

I said earlier that I hope you talk to your therapist about CPTSD from your abuse. I hope that you also talk to them – or another, LGBTQ-affirming and trauma-informed therapist about your feelings about yourself, your body and your identity. In the meantime, I think it may also help to read some more about queer and trans life, love and joy; I think it’ll help you find peace and acceptance with yourself as well as help you see that things aren’t as dire as you think.

There’re a few titles that I think might be helpful to you here: “Love in a F*cked-Up World: How to Build Relationships, Hook Up, and Raise Hell Together” by Dean Spade, “Blood, Marriage, Wine & Glitter, The Nearest Exit May be Behind You”, and “Special Topics in Being a Human” by S. Bear Bergman, “Gender Outlaws” by Bergman and Kate Bornstein and “Gender Failure” by Ivan Coyote & Rae Spoon. While it’s not necessarily about love, relationships or gender identity, I’d also suggest Charlie Jane Anders’ “Never Say You Can’t Survive” for how creativity and storytelling can help with emotional resilience and hope in these times.

I know the world feels dark and all seems lost right now, but I promise you: hope burns brightest, even during the darkest night.

And seeing as I’m a cis man, I wanted to follow this up with a reply from a friend and reader, who’s a trans man with some advice for Abnormal Normie and other trans readers who feel the same way:

Dear Dr. NerdLove, but really Abnormal Normie and other trans men in the same boat:

Hi. I’m a middle-aged trans dude about to get married to a lovely woman. You got this, despite the world being on fire. Doc’s advice was pretty good but as he often reminds us he’s a cis dude so I wanted to follow up with some suggestions.

1) It’s ok if you’re not bi or pansexual or gay, but your best bet for romantic/sexual partners is still going to be in the queer community. We trans people are queer by virtue of our gender. Being queer doesn’t mean you dress in rainbows and pride flags, I dress like it’s 1992 and grunge is still a thing. It’s a political label about who your community is. Het women are in my experience likely to get freaked out by us if we haven’t had phalloplasty or meta because our genitals challenge their ideas about their own sexuality. Queer women, cis and trans, who are attracted to men are way less likely in my experience to have those hang ups.

2) Doc was dead on with be up front about being trans. My most successful relationships post-transition (which I didn’t start until I was in my 40s) came from OKCupid, where I could list being trans and screen people carefully for being chasers, or from social media where I am extremely out.

3) You don’t have to be all “TRANS PRIDE” 24/7 but you do have to at least be comfortable with being trans as a characteristic as neutral in value as your shoe size. Honestly being trans is probably one of the least interesting things about you as a person. I know it is for me. It sucks and it’s unfair that cis people, particularly now, are treating it as this big political deal to the point that even some allies are being really freakin weird about it. But that doesn’t require us to obsess over it or treat it like a big deal. I promise you it is not, and even when I was living in the rural south and transitioning it wasn’t a big deal to the cis people around me. I lost fewer friends for transitioning than I did for getting divorced.

4) If you’re not happy alone, you won’t be happy in a relationship. Also it’s harder to date when you’re miserable, because being unhappy isn’t especially attractive. Cultivate a life you love *for you*. Go to hobby groups because you want to be there, not because you’re hoping to find a date. Learn a skill that involves making something with your hands. Get a cat and learn to teach it ridiculous tricks. Volunteer with Food Not Bombs or at the local food pantry. Figure out what feeds your soul and renews it, because that will get you through the next 4 years and not only is it not fair to expect a romantic partner to do it for you, they can’t.

You got this, bro. Hang in there.

Everyone’s Crotchety Trans Uncle

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (23F) have been dating “Bill” (25M) for almost 6 months. I’ve always felt a little insecure because he’s a bit out of my league and I was the one to first ask him out, back when we worked at the same restaurant. He turned me down at first but about a year later, when we were no longer coworkers, he asked if I was still interested. Well, I was, BUT. In the time in between Bill dated and had a very bad breakup with “Carla.” Carla is a literal Instagram model, so I felt pretty anxious following her up. But I was still so into Bill I decided to give it a shot.

I thought things were going all right until I ran into Carla when I was out with other friends without Bill. She recognized me from online, asked if I was Bill’s new girlfriend and we got talking. She seemed like a nice person, she was happy to hear Bill is doing okay since their breakup. She said I’m lucky to have Bill, she broke up with him because he was too controlling and wanted to be monogamous when she’s not ready for that, but he was the best sex she’s ever had. She went on and on about how big his dick was (which is true), how great he was at oral and willing to do kinky stuff and spend all day in bed. All while I’m smiling and nodding like aren’t I lucky!

But the thing is… Bill has never once given me oral, even though I’ve given him plenty. I wouldn’t say the sex is not good with him, but mostly just because I’m so turned on by him, he seems happy to just quickly get off vanilla-style and has never brought up anything else. I thought that was just the way he was, and I was honestly fine with it. But now I feel like it’s because he’s not as into me as he was into Carla, he’s only with me as a placeholder until he can find someone else on her level.

At first, I had hope Carla was lying, that Bill was the same way with her, she just wanted to make me think he was more into her to ruin our relationship and get back at him. But when I told him I talked to Carla and what she said, he did NOT say she was lying, he just got irritated and said he had a different relationship with her, and I shouldn’t expect it to be the same because people are different. He said what he said before, that Carla was a slut who only cared about sex, which is why they broke up. Which fits with what she said, assuming they’re each going to make the other sound like the bad guy. But he would not deny going down on her when he’s told me he doesn’t like it. And when I asked if he’d want to do some of the other stuff she mentioned, he didn’t seem to at all, just got madder and quieter until I gave up.

That was over a week ago and I have not brought it up again. We’ve just gone on like nothing happened. But secretly I’m wondering where to go from here. Should I stay in a relationship where I feel second-rate? Or would it be spoiled and unfair to break up over this?

Second Rate Replacement

DEAR SECOND RATE REPLACEMENT: OK, I’m going to be honest: there’re a lot of points in this that sound like a creative-writing exercise that got sent to me instead of Am I The A--hole. But as I’m always saying: I’m not really concerned about replying to questions about fictional problems since a) most letters are basically theoretical to most readers anyway and b) there’s often a lesson to be taken from this that may well be relevant to others.

And boy howdy there’re a few things to work over in this one.

So, SRR, let’s start with the most important part: your Spidey-sense is tingling, and with good reason. The problem here is that I think you’re missing why it’s going off like a car alarm at 3 AM. And it ain’t because of how Bill feels about Carla. It’s not actually about Carla at all. It’s entirely about Bill. And to be blunt: Bill sounds like an a--hole.

One of the important lessons one can learn about dating is often the simplest: how someone talks about their ex (or exes) can be a useful insight into who they are as a person, as a partner and what you could expect if and when this relationship ends.

A person who has mostly good relationships with their exes, especially after a breakup, for example, tends to be pretty emotionally mature. While yes, there’s the occasional person who can’t get over them and let go, for the most part, someone who’s genuinely friends with people they used to date is someone who’s usually had good relationships and stuck the dismount when it came to the end of things. While the end of the relationship may have been tumultuous, they worked through their issues, were able to maintain respect and consideration, even affection for their ex and they’ve successfully transitioned to a new relationship with them. I would actually call that a successful relationship, even though it didn’t end with one or both of them dying in the proverbial saddle.

By the same token, someone who has a negative relationship with their ex isn’t automatically a bad person. A lot depends on how they view their relationship, how they describe it, if they understand where things went wrong and why, what their part in the breakup was and so on. If they’re someone who can take ownership for their side of things and seems to understand what happened and learned from it, that’s a good sign.

On the other hand, someone who seems to have nothing nice to say about any of their exes is giving you valuable information about them – at the very least, this is how they’ll be talking about you when you break up. Similarly, someone whose exes are all crazy tends to be someone who either has a very broken picker or – more likely – never takes any ownership for their own behavior and actions during those relationships.

And to be sure: not every breakup is mutual or an issue of “everyone contributed somehow”. Sometimes, one partner will be the undisputed instigator or malefactor. Sometimes nobody is the bad guy and there was just a fundamental incompatibility. Some break ups come screaming out of the clear blue sky with no warning, and some are entirely one-sided. But as I said: if that’s how all of someone’s relationships end… well, that’s often a very good reason to proceed with caution.

Which is why Bill calling Carla a slut who “only cared about sex” is going to be your first warning sign that maybe Bill’s not such a great guy to begin with. Especially considering that Carla seemed to have much fonder memories of her time with Bill and was actively talking him up to you.

Though to be honest, the part about Bill being controlling would be the sort of thing that maybe should make your Spidey-sense start to buzz a little.

Then there’s the fact that he doesn’t seem to be all that interested in your sexual pleasure. I’m not going to get deep into the weeds about how much oral sex is the minimum or that there needs to be perfect reciprocation or what-have-you; everyone’s got their own preferences for what kinds of sex get them off and what ratio they want or need in their relationships to be satisfied. The important part of that isn’t the number, it’s satisfied. And thus far you seem to be getting by on Bill’s hotness, and if that works for you for now, that’s great. However, I’m going to go ahead and lay my wager that as the NRE starts wearing off, so too will the novelty of bangin’ this really hot guy.

Humans are adaptable creatures and what is new and notable, like someone being a four-alarm fire of hotness, eventually becomes “just who they are”. Physical good looks are great and all, but to paraphrase the sage: it doesn’t matter if you’re with the hottest person in the world, after a while it’s not that different from f--king the couch. You can still appreciate their hotness and find them wildly attractive, but the benefits of the novelty of their hotness tends to fade alongside the initial dopamine hits you get from sex with them. It’s how they approach sex and your pleasure that’s going to make the difference about how good – or not good – the sex is.

It’s a lot easier for someone with a prostate and a penis to get off than it is for someone with a vagina and clitoris, and keeping things in relative orgasmic equity tends to require additional effort and attention for said vagina and clit. Without something that gets you revved up – like the novelty of a new partner, the thrill of banging someone incredibly hot – then a lot is going to depend on whether your partner is committed and concerned with your pleasure and satisfaction.

And when you reach that point in your relationship with Bill, you’re going to be with a guy who, while attractive, seems mostly to want to get off and go.

And therein lies the issue.

See, the important part here isn’t the lack of oral – not in and of itself. That’s more of a symptom than the problem. No, the problem was this part from your letter: “said he had a different relationship with her, and I shouldn’t expect it to be the same because people are different”, which was then followed up by this part: “when I asked if he’d want to do some of the other stuff she mentioned, he didn’t seem to at all, just got madder and quieter until I gave up.”

This is why your Spidey-sense is buzzing like you forgot to turn off the notifications on Snapchat. In the span of a conversation, he’s told you that he’s not interested in giving you oral sex, nor is he willing to discuss the matter. Instead, he’s just going to get angry and give you the silent treatment until you stop bothering him with your silly notions like “I’d like to feel appreciated and that my pleasure is a priority.”

The former is bad enough. Yes, every relationship is different, people are different, and what one person wants or needs can vary. Some people require very specific levels of pressure and stimulus to reach orgasm, and some are easier to get off than old shoes… but that’s very different from “Yes, I went down on my ex, but don’t expect it with you.” Maybe he could’ve phrased it better… but I doubt that the phrasing is the problem.

Now the angry freeze out part? That’s not great. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that this is a significant warning sign that you should be paying attention to. If getting angry and freezing you out is something he’s doing when you’re discussing your sex life, I doubt that’s where it’s going to stay.

Now, maybe things with Carla were especially fraught and he’s got a lot of bad memories or pain tied up in their relationship. But even with that caveat, the way he’s behaving is immature at best and is actively discouraging you from advocating for your own needs and pleasure.

And honestly, I think you could stand to be more assertive about this. I don’t mean you need to pin him down, sit on his face and growl “I don’t get off until I get off” (though there’re more than a few folks who’d probably break down your door to be on the receiving end), but you should be willing to say “hey, this thing you’re not doing? That’s something I want,” instead of “would you like to do that with me?” If it’s something you want or need from your partners, then say that it’s something you want or need, rather than something that’d be nice every once in a while. You need to be your first and best advocate for your needs, especially if you’re feeling a distinct lack.

All in all, SRR, I don’t think the issue is that you’re a possible placeholder. Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t… but that part’s not important. The important part is that you’re with someone who seems to be a Crouching Hot Guy, Hidden Douchecanoe, who treats your sexual satisfaction and your desire to feel appreciated and cared for as second-rate considerations at best. I don’t know if he’s killing time until he finds someone better, but you can definitely do better and probably should.

Give him a chance to shape up by telling him – not asking, telling him what you want and how you want it. Not because Carla got it before you, but because you want it. If he gives you the same line or the same silent treatment, it’s time to drop Bill like fifth period French.      

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com