Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every year I invite a longtime friend for Thanksgiving, because she is not close with her family. The one thing that annoys me is that she always demands leftovers.

I prefer to give the leftovers to my family, but I always save her some turkey -- even if it means we don’t get any turkey sandwiches the next day, which upsets my husband. I don’t want to upset my friend. What should I do? He thinks I could just say no!

GENTLE READER: He’s right. If you had wanted to feed her leftovers, you could have invited her to lunch on the 24th.

Still, you can stick your husband with some responsibility. Miss Manners suggests your saying, “I’m so sorry, but I’m afraid that there won’t be any leftovers after Charlie has his favorite sandwiches.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to eat French onion soup? Sometimes I feel as if I need a pair of scissors on hand to trim all the long strands of cheese!

GENTLE READER: Back in the days when silver manufacturers’ idea of fun was to invent new utensils and insinuate that it was gauche not to buy and use them, silver melted-cheese snippers would have been a good idea.

Too late, Miss Manners is afraid. The age of specialized flatware is past. The best you can do is to wind the cheese strings around your spoon while you are still holding it over the bowl.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband hosts Thanksgiving dinner for around 20 family members each year. I like to use place cards at the table, because while most diners are family, others will join us, too.

Two years ago, our son brought a new girlfriend -- both in their 30s. Neither are wallflowers, and they were both staying with us for several days. I arranged to have them sit beside others at the meal.

Last year at Thanksgiving, she told me that the previous year, they’d both been upset they couldn’t sit together, and I was surprised at this revelation. I don’t want seating arrangements to upset people, but have always split couples up.

How should I approach it this time? Ask if they mind the arrangements?

GENTLE READER: The rule about separating couples at the dinner table has practical reasons. Not only is it to get the guests to mix, but it avoids the tedium of listening to spouses correcting one another’s stories.

Miss Manners has no patience with couples who claim that they are too much in love to be separated for an hour or two. The only excuse she accepts is the absolute necessity to assist a partner with the meal.

But the rule refers to long-established couples -- the definition of which, perhaps, could be that they know each other’s stories. Traditionally, engaged couples were allowed to sit together, although nowadays they may qualify as thoroughly established.

So as a new addition, one in the delicate position of meeting the whole family at once, the young lady could have been seated next to your son without violating the rule. Two years later, you might gently tell her that others in the family would enjoy getting to know her better.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What’s the protocol on appetizers at Thanksgiving?

GENTLE READER: No one knows.

If you provide enough to stave off your guests’ hunger until everyone arrives, those on time will complain of feeling stuffed halfway through dinner. They will keep eating, but the insinuation that you are force-feeding them will be annoying, considering all the work you did on their behalf.

However, if you skip appetizers (or have very light ones), the turkey will not be done when expected and your grandfather will need extra time to get there. So those who arrived on time will still get cross. Despite it being the middle of the afternoon, someone will ask, “Do you have any nuts or anything?” and others will wander into the kitchen hoping to take some advance pokes into the pots.

Miss Manners wishes you a happy Thanksgiving.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a normal sized mouth -- but on the smaller size. I cannot reasonably fit any soup spoon in my mouth. It is beyond awkward and uncomfortable, and also likely to cause a spill. Therefore, I use a teaspoon, which I unobtrusively request, if necessary, at restaurants. What is a polite person to do when etiquette requires something that is not possible?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette accepts valid excuses, although it is sick of people claiming dubious medical or psychological reasons for omitting common courtesies or just behaving rudely.

But in your case, there is no such problem. Miss Manners is happy to assure you that etiquette does not require you -- indeed, forbids you -- to put a soup spoon into your mouth, whatever the proportions of either. Soup is properly eaten by gently tipping the side of the spoon toward the mouth.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find myself caught somewhat off guard. I’ve invited a friend, her adult child and his college roommate to Thanksgiving dinner. We’ve planned this for some time, and I purchased food according to the guest list. Now, just before Thanksgiving, my friend has asked to bring an additional four college students to the meal.

Of course I said OK, but I am really feeling the crunch. My house and dinner table are not large. I will need to set an additional table, have had to borrow china, since I only have eight place settings, and will need to purchase food and beverages to feed four more people.

I like to think of myself as a generous hostess, but am feeling a little put out. My friend lives on a shoestring, so I’m not good with asking her to provide the extras needed. I hope my feelings don’t inadvertently show through. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Don’t let your feelings show through.

There is no “of course” about accepting additional last-minute guests. You can agree, or you can say, with gracious regret, that your party is full, but that you would love to meet them some other time.

Yet to comfort you for failing to do so, Miss Manners would like to point out how kind you are to go to the trouble of welcoming your indigent friend’s guests at Thanksgiving, of all holidays.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On three separate occasions during the past month, my husband and I have come across somewhat elderly gentlemen who have been eager to share their life experiences. Two of these were volunteers at historical sites, and one was a neighbor who approached us in the driveway.

In each instance, it quickly became apparent that the person was so interested in sharing his experiences that our interaction was not so much a conversation as it was a monologue. Each seemed oblivious to the fact that we might have other needs to attend to after awhile, such as (literally) having a plane to catch.

Even after several attempts to jump in with a comment of my own, followed by a “Goodness, look at the time!” it seemed impossible to get away without being quite abrupt. I feel rude just cutting someone off and walking away, especially when it involves an elderly person, but after 20 or 30 minutes of a one-way information session, I find myself at a loss as to how else to respond.

GENTLE READER: Being on the elderly side herself, Miss Manners will try to keep her answer brief. But if you find yourself drifting off in the middle of it, you only have yourself to blame for asking.

If reasonable attempts to interrupt politely do not work, that sudden gasp at the passage of time, with a flurry of apologies, might. Just be careful not to alarm the stranger to the point that the need for medical attention further delays your retreat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My youngest son and I have our birthdays at the end of the summer, two weeks apart. My mom and I are very close and have a good relationship.

Last year on my birthday, she booked and attended an event for the entire day without checking with me. I was really hurt, and she was unapologetic. This year, for my son’s birthday, she will be gone the entire weekend and will miss his birthday.

Am I wrong in expecting her to reserve these days for family, or to expect her to check with us before making other plans? My children are her only grandkids and we regularly see each other.

GENTLE READER: At a certain age (yours), it should no longer be expected that everyone in one’s family and life will stop everything every year to celebrate every single birthday. If it were, Miss Manners feels certain that families, particularly large ones, would do little else.

And while she concedes that a young child has a little more leeway to be annually feted, it should still not be considered a mandatory standing date for adults.

Miss Manners is not surprised at your mother’s reluctance to reserve two full weeks when she sees you regularly anyway -- and there are your other children to consider later in the year. If you have specific plans to celebrate, then alert your mother well in advance -- and preempt her likely assumption that if she was not invited to a specific event, her life is hers to schedule as she wishes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)