DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I eat out, I’ve noticed that at many establishments, both casual and formal, a server greets us with “How are we this evening?” This question is later followed by “How would we like our steak prepared?” and “Would we like some dessert?”

While no doubt servers are likely attempting to create a friendly rapport, I find the use of this pronoun not only grammatically incorrect but also overly familiar. Thus far, I’ve not commented, but it is becoming quite aggravating.

I’m tempted to respond with, “I would like my steak cooked medium-well, but I cannot speak for you.” Am I being overly sensitive? Am I the only one who is bothered by this trend? What is an appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: Such use of the plural is indeed clumsy, overly familiar and ungrammatical. Miss Manners can find no defense for it, even if it lacks the anger and passion with which the pronoun wars over gender are being fought.

But it is also clumsy and overly familiar to attempt to teach proper speaking to people who are only going about their business. Otherwise, one might be tempted to point out that you mean “irritating” and not “aggravating.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mom’s family likes to invite exes to family events and then act innocent, saying they don’t understand why their relatives get upset. This has been going on for 20-plus years.

I have made the decision that I don’t socialize with my mom’s family at all, because I never know who will be in attendance. My ex-husband is invited for Christmas. My dad, who I haven’t seen in about 10 years, was invited to my mom’s family reunion despite the fact that they have been divorced for 40 years (and by the way, he never went to her reunions when they were married). He even brought his wife.

I understand when there is a wedding or funeral, but for holiday events, it seems crazy. I have decided not to associate with any of my mom’s family, and do not regret my decision. I just want them to stop involving my adult kids into trying to guilt me into attending family events.

My daughter is pregnant, and that side of the family is going to have a baby shower for her that I don’t want to attend. She will also have a baby shower thrown by her sister, which I don’t want that part of my family to attend.

Please tell me what to say or do to make this stop. If these people weren’t related, I would never spend any time with them because I feel that they are bad influences on myself and my kids.

GENTLE READER: Without defending your relatives’ behavior, you must continue to minimize their opportunities to amuse themselves at your expense. If you find yourself at events with already-blacklisted relatives, Miss Manners agrees that expanding the list to include inconsiderate hosts may be all that remains. Comments sent through your children can be ignored.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I run into someone I have not seen recently, we usually have a little chat that invariably ends with my saying “Nice to see you” and the person saying I should call him/her. This happens with acquaintances, people with whom I have lost contact, even sometimes a person I purposely have not contacted.

I am always at a loss as to how to answer this invitation. Usually I just nod and say I will call, knowing full well that I will not.

Do these people really mean that I should call them? Is there a polite way to respond without lying (I do not like to lie)? If a person actually wants to renew an acquaintance, shouldn’t he/she call me rather than exhorting me to make the call? (I am afraid I am often tempted to say so.) Is there a part of modern communication that I am missing?

GENTLE READER: To answer your questions, in order: No. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Miss Manners realizes it is possible she is overconfident by saying “no,” these people do not want you to call. They may simply be indifferent, and therefore unwilling to expend the minimal energy required to call themselves.

The advantage of short answers is, strangely, their ambiguity: By saying “yes” to a suggestion that you should call, you may be lying, or you may simply be agreeing that, in an ideal world, yes, you should call. What you are missing about modern communication is that while technology has made it easier, human nature has not always made it more desirable. There may be a reason you lost touch.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son will marry soon after the one-year anniversary of his beloved dad’s death. Instead of the usual guest “favors,” I would like to have small printed cards on the table that say: “In lieu of guest favors, we have made a donation to (CHARITY NAME), (FATHER’S NAME)’s favorite charity.“

I don’t want to dampen our son’s happy day, but I hate to think of celebrating without some thoughtful remembrance of his devoted father.

GENTLE READER: As an opponent of guest favors, other than for single-digit birthday parties, Miss Manners would not mourn their absence. But the “bait and switch” nature of what you propose troubles her: “No swag for you” strikes her as a less gentle way to remind guests of a deceased father than mentioning (FATHER’S NAME) in a toast.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If the restaurant hostess is leading my wife and me to a table, who should follow behind the hostess, and who should bring up the rear? Not an earthshaking question, just curious what the “rules” say.

GENTLE READER: This being an entrance, at least metaphorically, the rules for passing through a door apply. Ladies first, gentlemen second. Miss Manners notes that the rules allow an exception for particularly crowded restaurants where a lady may require a blocker to clear the way.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are sending out electronic invites to our office Christmas party and would like to express that the invitation is for employees only, not guests.

How do we say that politely? Also, we do not want the invitation to be forwarded to other guests.

GENTLE READER: Then hold it during office hours.

In that case, a special invitation is hardly needed, and everyone is present anyway. But once you place it during the employees’ time off, Miss Manners assures you that you will counter legitimate resentment if you define “happy holidays” as extra hours spent away from spouses, partners and children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I always have a debate around Christmas and birthdays. I tell him that I want gift cards, because I never know what I want and never need anything, but he INSISTS that a gift card isn’t an acceptable gift. I’m not joking, either; gift cards are less stressful than worrying that I’ll get something I really don’t want.

GENTLE READER: Why do you want to discourage the gentleman from thinking about what might please you? Even if he sometimes guesses wrong, Miss Manners would consider thoughtfulness to be a habit you would want to encourage.

All a gift card really says is, “I know where you shop, so go ahead and do your own thinking there, because only you know how to please yourself.” You can do so later by returning and exchanging.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: So, my best friend got engaged. We share mutual friends, and as we have three other friends getting married this year, we have wedding events (engagement parties, bachelorette parties, weddings) in the next two months.

My birthday is the week before one of the out-of-town weddings (at which all our friends will be in attendance). I wanted to throw a birthday party for myself (since my friends are too busy planning weddings), until my best friend with the wedding asked me if I would be interested in having a joint birthday/engagement party.

I am single and turning 25. I don’t know how to tell my friend that I want one evening about me, even though I know how selfish that sounds. All of the same friends that would be in attendance at the engagement party would be at the birthday party, but that doesn’t include the bride/groom’s family, and anyone else who is part of the wedding and would attend an engagement party.

Am I in the wrong to want to say that I want a party that is about my birthday solely?

GENTLE READER: Well, let us rather say slightly childish.

Miss Manners realizes that adult birthdays have turned into major occasions for “selfie” parties. And for that matter, weddings are also approached with the notion that the guests will serve as an audience to a biopic, rather than as witnesses and celebrants at a ceremony.

If you confess your feelings to your best friend, she might be able to indulge you by changing the date of her party. But if not, weddings take precedence over birthdays -- you will have a birthday every year, whereas we hope your friend will not have multiple weddings.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)