DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son and daughter-in-law are expecting our first grandchild. On the shower invitation (hosted by her sister), it listed stores at which they have registered. As a frame of reference, I decided to see what type of things they were requesting.

To my horror, they were requesting an $850 stroller, a $900 crib, a $1,100 baby dresser, an $800 rocking chair and many other high-priced items to furnish their baby’s nursery.

I realize things have changed over the past 20 to 30 years since I had children, but I found it classless and greedy. I mentioned it to my son, and he said that he “sort of participated” and “this is what everyone does.” He said they were encouraged to register for everything so they could receive a discount on items they didn’t get from the shower.

Needless to say, I have had differences with my daughter-in-law’s casual attitude when spending and speaking for other people’s money. She doesn’t seem to have any qualms about asking for everything she wants.

Unless they are flowing in money we don’t know about, or have a very skewed perspective of what’s important, I’d be hard-pressed to believe they would spend $1,100 on a baby dresser if they don’t get it as a gift. What is the etiquette on baby registries?

GENTLE READER: Your son is about to get first-hand experience in why neither his nor his wife’s behavior makes for a comfortable home.

Let us assume that your son meant that he “sort of participated” in the selection of the registry items, and not in creating the impending grandchild. He will not be charmed when little Liam is himself old enough to avoid responsibility by saying he wasn’t there when it happened, that “everyone does it,” and that it was his sister Olivia’s (in this case the store’s) fault.

As to your daughter-in-law’s behavior, Miss Manners considers baby registries to be the etiquette equivalent of childish grocery store demands for chocolate breakfast cereal, ice cream and checkout-line candy. Being the grandparent, it is your prerogative to be blissfully unaware of all these newfangled ideas and to bring whatever present you think pleasing and appropriate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother lives in another state, about three hours away. His father-in-law, a man I have spent time with on a number of occasions, has died after a lengthy illness. My brother never called to say that he died, or when or where the receiving hours or funeral were. But his wife did post information to her Facebook page. What is my responsibility in this situation?

GENTLE READER: In an ideal world, you would express your condolences on your brother’s and his wife’s loss, apologize for missing the funeral and excuse yourself by explaining that you were unaware of the death -- all without implicitly criticizing them for failing to inform you.

The last is particularly challenging, because your brother’s wife may believe that the social media posting was the announcement, a point on which Miss Manners and she disagree. However, since one generally wishes to comfort mourners, not make them feel worse, she advises you to stick to the first two and let items three and four pass without comment.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My nephew and his friend planned to drive to another state for a college dance when the friend’s mother came forward with airplane tickets for both boys. After they’d accepted, the mother requested $200 from my nephew to cover the cost of the ticket she’d bought for him.

He paid her off in installments, but I found this profoundly unfair, since she presented him with the bill after the fact. While his friend is quite wealthy, my nephew is working his way through college.

I wanted to give him advice on how to handle such a situation, if he’s unlucky enough to have it happen again in the future, but I was at a loss.

GENTLE READER: It is rude to inquire of a would-be gift-giver if one should expect a bill. This is unfortunate, given how many people these days appear to be confused about the underlying concept.

But Miss Manners has a simpler solution. When asked about the airplane ticket, your nephew should have politely refused on the grounds that he could not accept such an expensive gift. This would have clarified the terms of the proposed gift, while preventing him from being tricked into an expense he could ill afford.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother-in-law passed away suddenly, and his wife is planning to have a “celebration of life” memorial. That’s fine.

However, she and her husband were party people, and so are their friends. The memorial she is planning is described as a “happy” party.

Most of the extended family are not drinkers and prefer not to attend an event that will consist of what we anticipate will be heavy drinking. I think we should attend, sit in the back with our sodas, and remember my brother-in-law more quietly, just by being there.

Much of the rest of the family doesn’t want to drive all the way there and back (six hours each way) just to sit around watching people drink. There’s some discussion of having a more somber (and sober) memorial closer to home for the family.

I think this shows disrespect to our lost loved one and his wife (though I’d prefer to attend that myself). Suggestions on what we should do?

GENTLE READER: Picking a fight with the principal mourner after a funeral is no more productive than picking a fight with a bride. Less so, as the mourner is often more sympathetic -- and more likely to burst into tears.

This is not to say that the mourner is acting intelligently or responsibly. The increasingly common practice of throwing a party smacks of celebrating the death, and while this may not bother your brother-in-law’s wife, it understandably grates on other relatives’ nerves.

The distant relatives may send heartfelt condolences -- and apologies -- in place of themselves. As a closer relative, you may have to frown and bear it, especially if your brother-in-law’s wife is also your sister.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a stay-at-home mother, and I also care for my aging mom. I consider it a great blessing to be able to do this.

Why is it anyone else’s business, other than my husband’s, about when I sleep or don’t sleep?

I am awake at 6 a.m. to get breakfast ready for my husband and daughter. I get them off to work/school, then I walk down the street to check on my mom. Then, sometimes, I go back to sleep till late morning.

I am very organized, so my day runs smoothly. Chores, housework and dinner are always done. Yet when I turn my phone on silent to nap, between 8-11 a.m., I will miss calls from different family and friends. These are always met later with, “Wow, I can’t believe you slept so late! Why do you sleep so much?”

Why is it their business when I sleep? How do I respond to this without being rude, or going into detail that everything is getting done -- I just choose to nap?

GENTLE READER: For some years now, young people have been using their telephones for just about every activity in their lives except one: the one for which this handy instrument is named. They don’t use it to talk, in real time, to real people.

Miss Manners may not be quite used to this, but she understands it. As she has long noted, the telephone is inherently rude. It demands that you stop whatever you are doing and respond instantly to its demands. And robocalling is rampant, despite government attempts to stop it, which makes the telephone even more of a nuisance.

But your callers are used to being able to reach people by telephone, and their comments sound less like worry about your well-being than peevishness at your temporary unavailability. You must wean them from that expectation by announcing that you often don’t answer the telephone -- do not specify the time, as this should apply to any uninterrupted time you may want -- but that they can reach you by text or voice message. Explain that you will eventually get back to them, by calling if they prefer, or by texting.

Of course, they will declare this to be dangerous in case of emergency. People always do, as if we all lived on red alert, expecting catastrophe. But if you will also turn off your telephone when you are with your children, your husband or your mother, and when you are cooking, eating or driving, they will eventually get used to it.

Should they continue to ask what you are doing with your unplugged time, Miss Manners suggests, “I was in the hammock, eating chocolates and reading a racy French novel, and I couldn’t tear myself away.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are the rules of etiquette the same for invited houseguests vs. self-invited houseguests?

GENTLE READER: The only difference is that you needn’t let self-invited guests cross your threshold. However, once you have let them in, Miss Manners will not allow you to classify first- and second-class guests.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)