DEAR MISS MANNERS: While at a restaurant, I needed to leave the table to use the restroom. I left my napkin on my chair. When I returned, my husband informed me that our waiter had picked up my napkin, refolded it, and left it on the table.

Now I had to figure out which side had been against my lap, and which against my mouth. If I guessed wrong I would have ended up with grease stains on my nice slacks. I figured it out, but not without some work.

Several nights later, while dining in what is reportedly the best restaurant in this particular city, I observed a waiter refolding the napkin of a patron who had temporarily left the table, so this refolding thing is obviously not just a quirk in one restaurant.

That this is gross and distasteful should not even need to be stated. If this should happen again, I will ask for a fresh napkin. But I will want to convey my distaste and displeasure that this has occurred.

What does Miss Manners suggest? And will she please ask restaurateurs to end this distasteful practice?

GENTLE READER: Right after she gets them to stop asking, “Are you still working on that?”

Such unfortunate practices seem to spread rapidly around the restaurant industry. And yet many people still regard expensive restaurants as models of formal service. It is not up to you to retrain the staff. Asking for a fresh napkin should make the point.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is the purpose of a wedding reception to “pay back” the guests for coming?

My niece is getting married soon. The couple is in their early 20s. They would like to have a small reception with just snacks, punch and cake. My niece’s parents are unable to help financially, and my niece is fine with just a small reception because that is what they can afford.

She is getting a great deal of pushback from others, who say that they “owe” their guests a big party to thank them for coming. I feel that guests should be there to share in their happiness and their day.

GENTLE READER: “Pay back”?

That’s one way of putting it, and making it sound crude. Another way would be that wedding guests would like to be able to congratulate the couple after the ceremony.

But Miss Manners is unclear about what you consider a “small” or “big” reception. If “small” means the simple fare you describe, the guests are crass to complain. But if it means that some guests will be dismissed while a reception is held for others, it will be the hosts who are callous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should a gentleman go before or behind a woman ascending stairs?

I’ve always been taught to follow a woman descending and ascending stairs, in the unfortunate case that she slips. I occasionally feel self-conscious, not wanting the woman to be paranoid with my face in her lower back.

GENTLE READER: The deciding factor here is not whether you go before or behind the lady, but that she should have a nice soft gentleman to land upon if she should stumble. Miss Manners notes that you have it half right: You should follow her going up, but precede her going down.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman of a certain age, the mother of a millennial child, and I am confused about texting etiquette.

Can one send a text at any time of day or night, as one can with emails? Must one always type out long forms for every word on the excruciatingly small keys, or are abbreviations acceptable? When referencing a book title, are ALL CAPS acceptable when underlining is not available?

I first became familiar with this form of communication when my daughter was in high school. Although I frown on the abbreviations commonly used in texts, I would use them for time’s sake or to keep me from going mad trying to touch the correct tiny key, and not the one crammed up beside it.

Even with the high school years behind us, writing “How r u?” remains temptingly convenient, but do you think it is too silly for adults to use?

GENTLE READER: Yup.

It is with reluctance that Miss Manners acknowledges that tiny keys require tiny compromises. The idea is to maintain your dignity while embarrassing neither your millennial nor your English teachers.

Capital letters are permissible in place of italics, if you promise not to use them for regular correspondence, where it just comes across as yelling. Abbreviations are allowed in limited, identifiable quantities.

Good luck keeping up with acronyms, which have crept into the regular conversation of the young. (Do they not recognize that it usually requires the same amount of vocal effort as full words?)

And although many people silence their phones at night, others keep them on “for emergencies,” so reasonable texting hours are preferred -- to avoid inciting one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a baby shower, the mom-to-be happily opened the baby gifts. Contrary to the usual custom, no one appeared to be writing down the names of the gift-givers and the nature of the presents.

Shortly before the shower broke up, a friend of the expectant mother passed around identical postcards to everyone. One side was blank except for pictures of various baby items, and the other had a close-up photo of the soon-to-be mom’s hands cradling her tummy with the upcoming dad’s hands over hers. No faces, no names, just a line saying something like, “We’re happy to welcome a new addition to our family.”

It turned out that this was the only “thank you” card that anyone received. Have you ever encountered something like this before?

GENTLE READER: Providing a graphic visual that details the purpose of the occasion seems to Miss Manners an active discouragement of further presents, not an expression of gratitude for those received. She supposes that she should be grateful that the postcards did not also depict the means.

Handwritten, personal letters without any “show and tell” are still -- and always will be -- the only proper way to express such thanks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My hair is long and quite thick, so it takes several hours to dry after I wash it. Usually I wash it at night so it’s dry by morning, but occasionally I have to wash it shortly before going somewhere.

What is the etiquette about going in public with wet hair? I wouldn’t go to a formal event that way, and I imagine that actively dripping hair would be universally frowned upon. However, is visibly damp hair OK otherwise?

GENTLE READER: Couldn’t you just walk faster, creating some wind?

Barring that, and as this is a relatively short-lived problem, Miss Manners will overlook the occasional wet head -- and hope that onlookers will have the grace to do so, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife’s parents are lovely people and I’ve enjoyed a wonderful relationship with them for decades. However, they are longtime members of a private country club, which is unofficially “restricted,” having no members of certain races and religions.

I’ve always found this abhorrent, but over the years have agreed, for harmony’s sake, to attend functions there as their guests. The club is the mainstay of their social life now, and they claim that they are not bigoted or prejudiced, but simply joined innocently long ago when such exclusionary practices were routine.

As times have changed, I’ve finally reached a tipping point, no longer willing to be complicit in attending a place that discriminates against others. However, my absence from family events like birthday parties, receptions and the like at the club will be awkward for my in-laws, as well as bring me ill will from the rest of the family.

My mother-in-law and father-in-law understand my position, but they are elderly and, after all, we’ve all shared many good times together there over the years, even as I grudgingly attended.

How do I balance my conscience, which I can no longer ignore, with the feelings of these very close family members, which I am bound to injure by my actions?

GENTLE READER: Family loyalty and social conscience are often in conflict, Miss Manners finds. It is the stuff of great literature and mediocre television movies. Perhaps you can suggest that you give some of the family events at your home, or find another place to have them. Admittedly, this would be only an occasional solution -- but it might make your absences at club events less noticeable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband accepted an award for being an outstanding football coach, he received a standing ovation at the reception.

I am so proud of him that when everyone stood, I, moved with emotion, jumped up and applauded as well. Then I suddenly felt foolish, and wondered if it was inappropriate for me to give my own husband a standing ovation.

However, had I remained seated, I think I would have felt awkward as well. What is the correct response when a close family member receives a standing ovation?

GENTLE READER: To be overwhelmed with emotion and excitement and stand up with the others. No decent person could fault you for being overcome by spousal pride. Staying seated in the face of everyone else’s enthusiasm, Miss Manners notes, would make a stronger statement.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)