Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I started attending a new church recently, and everything was wonderful. After a couple of visits, Pastor Kyle announced that the church was in dire need of volunteers to work the holiday snow-cone booth. So, right after church, I was the first to sign up. I even sent a follow-up email.

On the day of the event, I showed up early, ready to volunteer. Pastor Kyle told me that there were already enough people working the booth. Then he handed me some tracts that I could go pass out.

I tried to be a good sport and hand out the tracts, but I felt terrible and went home early. Pastor Kyle sent me a text last week inviting my husband and me to a cookout, and thanking me for helping out.

What should I have done when I showed up at the booth, and how should I respond to his text?

GENTLE READER: Volunteering is an important, but somewhat misunderstood, endeavor. The volunteer is something more than a customer (in your case, a parishioner) and something less than an employee.

Pastor Kyle acknowledged this in announcing the nature of the work in advance, so that parishioners would know what they were volunteering to do. But he presumably asked for volunteers because there was simply too much going on for the regular staff to handle everything.

What then, should he, and you, have done when the help needed changed? The answer is for Pastor Kyle to treat you more like a parishioner and for you to treat him more like a boss. He should have apologized for the change and asked if you were still willing to help. You might have smiled and cheerfully agreed. Miss Manners reminds you that a volunteer who increases, rather than decreases, the work for the staff does not generally earn the gratitude of a more selfless volunteer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should criticism be received? A post on social media by a friend of mine included the word “it’s” when the possessive “its” was needed. I commented with “*its.”

She sent me this message: “STOP the English corrections!!! I find this offensive because 1. I type fast and don’t stop to edit every damn word, and 2. of course I DO KNOW English construction quite well!! Stop the nit-picking -- enough!”

I thought the woman’s reaction was an overreaction. I have known her since high school, which is more than 60 years ago. I think her belligerence may be an early sign of oncoming dementia. She will be 80 years old this year.

In any event, I replied: “I am sorry that you are so easily offended. I am unable to send you a message online. Apparently, you have blocked me. I do think that someone who is a professional writer should take care with his or her writing -- and editing.”

GENTLE READER: The internet has indeed been hard on spelling, grammar and etiquette. Eighty-year-olds have been known to write and behave like ill-bred teenagers. But without going so far as to defend your friend’s behavior, Miss Manners reminds you that correcting another person’s grammar is also rude. And, of course, it discourages further communication.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have seven 6-foot-tall bookcases full of books, DVDs and CDs, with much spillover. Many of the items are rare, out of print and/or unique.

All too often, friends want to borrow this or that, which I hate. In the past, I’ve had items lost, loaned to a third party or come back damaged. Should I cover up my library, place NO LOANS signs or demand a cash deposit? I’ve even had people ask for decor items on display.

GENTLE READER: Being a good host does not require you to hand over everything that is not nailed down, but it does prevent you from slapping guests’ hands when they reach for a book (an act that, Miss Manners notes incidentally, requires permission).

Signs and receipt forms are therefore out of the question. The next time a request is made, smile sadly and apologize, saying that you just cannot part with that item. But it might be less trouble to move the bookcases out of the living room, rather than the guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few days ago, I stopped at a small local restaurant for lunch. The place is takeout only, no tables. I placed my order at the counter, waited, and was soon waved over by the cashier.

My meal was just under $7. I handed her a $10 bill. She handed me my food, rang up the bill, then promptly deposited the entire amount of change into the large tip jar next to the register.

I asked her what she was doing and requested my change. She said it was “policy.” I asked for the manager. The manager said that while it wasn’t a formal policy, they’d been doing that “for ages” and “nobody’s really complained.” (Something I highly doubt.)

I again asked for my change, pointing out that taking the money without my consent was stealing. Both the manager and cashier became somewhat surly, but returned my change.

The next day, I was discussing the incident with a friend. She was horrified, and said I was completely out of line to request my change, because one must always tip for service. This started a bit of an argument, since I don’t consider handing me a bag and taking money on par with, say, actual table service in a restaurant. She countered that once the money was in the tip jar, it was no longer mine and I had no right to demand it back.

Was I rude in asking for my change? And are we now required to tip everyone we do business with? Grocery cashiers, gas station attendants ...? This friend is still berating me for my “embarrassing” lack of manners.

GENTLE READER: Too many bosses see tipping as a way to underpay the staff, and therefore remain passive about how aggressively tips are collected. Most -- but not, apparently, all -- draw the line at theft.

Expecting a cashier to make correct change is neither unreasonable nor unmannerly. While Miss Manners shares your friend’s distaste at actually reaching into the tip jar, the fact that your money made it that far does not absolve the manager of his responsibility to make you whole.

Tipping is, by definition, not mandatory. If the boss is concerned about his cashiers, then he can make change for you out of the register -- or raise salaries.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You maintain that “Thanks for the invitation, but I think I’ll pass” might be one of the rudest things you have ever heard.

First: What a protected life you must lead! Second: What is a good alternative?

I live in a retirement community and receive frequent invitations to go places (sometimes months in advance) that I just do not want to attend. That doesn’t mean I want the person to “take a pass on extending future invitations,” as you’ve said, but I don’t want to attend that particular cultural event or movie. I usually respond with the exact thing you said was rude, though I do add “this time” to the end.

So my face is red -- I was unintentionally being rude. Now I’m in need of a better way to turn down a particular invitation.

In college, I was very close with a couple. After we graduated, we drifted apart, but I later discovered that one of them was enrolled in the same graduate program.

I got in touch and inquired about getting together. On two occasions, she agreed, but both times, she left a voice message for me at the last minute saying that she was unable to make it. She did not give a reason for canceling either time. I made another attempt, but she blew me off.

After that, I threw in the towel and gave up. I was more than a little hurt that she canceled at the last minute with no reason offered and that the attempts to get together were completely one-sided. I came to accept that we had grown apart, and that she had no interest in rekindling our friendship, not even for coffee.

Fast-forward 11 years, and I received an invitation to their wedding. The invitation brought up those old hurt feelings. My inclination is to trash the invitation and move on.

My partner says that I am being petty, and that I should at least offer congratulations and my regrets for not being able to attend. Such a response seems entirely fake to me. I suspect you may tell me that decorum dictates such a response, but under the circumstances, I am not sure that decorum should prevail. What is your view?

GENTLE READER: That your attempt to undercut Miss Manners is at the expense of your own interests. You don’t much like it when other people blow you off, but consider that in the name of retaliation, you are entitled to a free ... ahem ... pass?

To reiterate, Miss Manners has difficulty with the phrase “I’ll take a pass” -- whether it is accompanied by “this time” or not. (In fact, “this time” reinforces the subtext that one is not impressed by what is currently being offered, but holds out hope that something more appealing will come along in the future.) She does not, however, require attendance to every proffered event, or even invented excuses. Further, she does not defend treating rudeness (or unkindness) in kind.

What your partner suggests is the right thing to do. After all, even though you understandably did not like its timing, your former friend did at least let you know before the fact that she was not going to show up. You must do the same in return, resisting the urge to mirror the behavior you so disliked by doing it last minute -- or pettily.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)