Miss Manners^®

GENTLE READERS: You give and collect “Likes” and comments on social media. You are not able to buy a tube of toothpaste without being asked, by the business selling it, to evaluate the experience. So you understand the importance of feedback.

Why, then, do you resist writing letters of thanks? That is feedback. Miss Manners would not think it much of a leap to realize that people who take the time and trouble to send you presents want to know how you reacted.

Well, not exactly, which is undoubtedly part of the problem. They do not want to hear that it is the wrong color, the wrong size, something you already have, something not on the list of things you ordered, or something for which you have no use. They want to know that their effort has been successful. They want a Like.

That, too, is part of the problem. You cannot accomplish the task with one click, although some have tried that. You must compose some sentences.

But that, too, should be a concept with which you are familiar: personalization. If, for example, the presents are for your wedding, you will have spent months fussing with ideas of how to personalize the event. How much time did you spend just on deciding what your personal cocktail (whatever that means) should be?

Of course, that experience might have misled you to believe that personalization was all about displaying yourselves. And that therefore, what your generous friends need in return is a photograph of you at the wedding they attended (whenever those come back from the photographer).

Really, all you need is a plain sheet of paper. Cards printed with “Thank you” only point out the fact that thanking is a chore done by rote. So does opening with “Thank you for the ...”

Then you must write something personal -- no, no, not about you again, but about the recipient of the letter and the present that person sent. How kind that person was to think of you, and how thoughtful the present.

Yes, it was, even if you didn’t like it. Your benefactor had to think of you, even if guessing wrong about what would delight you. Letters of thanks are not the occasion to unload your complaints. Everyone needs some positive feedback, and it is in your interest to encourage generous people, who at any rate deserve it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband loves to talk to people. When he talks with men, it doesn’t bother me, but when he talks with women, I feel self-conscious. I would like you to tell me the proper way to act when this happens.

GENTLE READER: What you should do is to act delighted that your husband is enjoying himself and either join the conversation, if it interests you, or drift away and talk to someone else, male or female.

But Miss Manners supposes that before you are able to do that, you must examine the source of your discomfort. What harm do you think he is causing? Do you have experience or serious reason to believe that he is betraying you during these conversations?

If so, you should deal with that. But if not, you are the one who is harming the marriage by seeking to curtail his innocent enjoyment.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the parent of a vivacious, bright, delightful toddler. She just celebrated her second birthday at a small family get-together (five adults, including myself, as well as my daughter and toddler niece). A not-insignificant part of the decision to skip a large party was that I would rather mark occasions with experiences, rather than things. The party, and playing with her cousin, was a blast!

The issue arose when we had cake and gifts after dinner. My mother loves her granddaughters, but by her own admission does not relate to them very well. As such, she tends to overindulge them a bit. This is fine by me occasionally, but I strive to make sure that my daughter is not materialistic; her gift from me was a baby doll she’d been coveting.

So I was a bit surprised when she opened a gift (one of seven) from my mom and it was a tablet! I politely thanked my mother, as did my daughter, who had no idea what it was, and promptly asked to be excused to go play with her doll.

While I respect people’s choices to give their toddlers technology, it’s not the way I choose to raise mine. She watches TV, but it is always with one of her parents, and it is never used as a babysitter. There are times when I come home after work and would love to disappear into my smartphone and shut out the world, but I work hard to teach my daughter that our time together is precious and remain fully engaged.

My mother meant well with this gift, but she went way overboard, and I am unsure how to handle it. Is there any way to bring this up to her without coming off as incredibly ungrateful? I worry about this becoming a precedent, and what future Christmases and birthdays will bring!

GENTLE READER: How adorable. Miss Manners is, of course, talking about you, not your daughter, although she is sure that your daughter is, too.

Congratulations on encouraging your child to socialize, rather than being dominated by technology -- and in foregoing materialism in favor of ... baby dolls? (Rather than what, Miss Manners is not sure. What would be more material for a 2-year-old? A car?)

Forgive Miss Manners’ cynicism. She is in total agreement with you that these are worthy goals for child-rearing, and sincerely hopes that you will be the first parent in the history of modern America to enforce them successfully.

Barring that, however, she reminds you that grandparents do not take kindly to being told what they may or may not buy for their grandchildren -- and will likely share Miss Manners’ cynicism about your rearing a child who completely eschews technology in favor of socializing.

Miss Manners warns you that these conversations will likely be irksome to you, if you choose to have them. She recommends instead that you spare all parties, thank your mother, and make rules about technology that you have the ability to enforce when your daughter is old and aware enough to show interest -- which she soon will be.

In the meantime, enjoy your new tablet. Miss Manners is certain that your gratitude to your mother will be genuine the next time you are on a long journey with your child and find yourself suddenly eager to share it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My pregnant daughter and her husband live in my backyard, in a charming but tiny apartment they made out of my office and garage. My son-in-law’s parents recently visited from out of town, and subsequently sent the kids a gift of a toaster, a microwave and a coffee machine.

They can’t have missed the lack of available space in the kids’ apartment, so I assume they intended these objects to stay with me, in my house. I was not pining for these appliances, wouldn’t have picked them in this color, and suspect they’ll get little use by me.

Must I thank his parents for the gifts? Or is the kids’ thanks adequate? I am a poor liar.

GENTLE READER: Then do not poach your kids’ presents.

As these appliances were given to them, it is up to them what they do with them -- and that might be returning them for something more practical, cramming them into their tiny home or putting them in storage until they have a bigger one.

Thanks are required only from the direct recipient of presents. And that is just as well, because stating that you appropriated theirs and being unable to disguise your dislike are not seemly ingredients for a letter of thanks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I received an emailed wedding invitation from someone whose email address was not familiar to me. The wedding date was almost six months away.

There was no mention of any name in the invitation, just a photo of the couple, then the place, date, time and a link to click to reply. I had no idea who this person was, and puzzled for a few seconds, before enlarging the photo and seeing that the future groom looked vaguely familiar. I figured it must be the son of a friend who I heard was engaged.

Since I would be on vacation at that time, I sent my regret. Later, a few friends mentioned that they’d had the same difficulty figuring out who the wedding invitation came from. One of them contacted the father of the groom and was told that the invitations were sent early because the families wanted to weed out the ones not coming so they could invite the next “wave.” She was discouraged from accepting the invitation, because “the overnight stay at this remote location might be a bit much for her and her husband.”

She said she decided not to go because she felt a bit insulted, but will send a gift. My feeling is that the whole thing was an insult, and I would not feel obligated to send a gift. Do you agree?

GENTLE READER: If the “first wave” friends do not recognize them, Miss Manners is baffled by what the second one will look like. But that is not your problem. Neither, you will be pleased to hear, is getting a present for an event that you are not attending and involving people you hardly know.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)