Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend who is constantly sharing repetitive photos on social media of her children and grandchildren. Nothing wrong with this. But how can we, as honest and genuine friends, continue to “like” the same photos and give the same accolades, over and over again, without being disingenuous?

I am rarely on Facebook, so when I miss an opportunity to praise this friend’s children’s accomplishments, she texts the information to me, so I feel obliged to comment ... again.

It’s getting tiring and, frankly, I’m feeling dishonest. I have a feeling that I’m asking a question that many honest and caring folks who use social media would appreciate an answer to.

Let me add that I am not in the least jealous or envious of this friend. I am genuinely grateful for all the good that is happening in her family. It’s the constant repetition of the need for praise that’s getting to me.

GENTLE READER: Do you remember when “sharing” was considered an act of friendship?

Neither does Miss Manners. Somehow it turned into nonstop bragging. If you paid the attention that is asked to the narrations others post of their lives, you would not have time to live your own life.

Small wonder, then, that people are starting to disconnect themselves. Many, especially among the young, do not answer telephone calls. An increasing number of people are limiting or quitting social media.

So your friend would not be justified in taking it personally if you confessed to her, apologetically, that you are weaning yourself from your devices, even to the extent that you cannot keep up with the flood of text messages. Just be sure that when you actually see her, you ask to look at pictures of her grandchildren.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents and I went to see an independent film that promotes a political agenda with which I don’t agree. The auteur had set up a table outside the theater and was giving away free T-shirts. Subsequently, my parents offered me one if I wanted it. When I declined, I think they felt a little insulted.

If they had given me this T-shirt as a gift, I would have thanked them, taken it, and promptly put it in the donation bin when I got home. I felt free to decline because they specified “if you want one.” Should I have treated this like a gift and just taken it?

GENTLE READER: The surface answer is that there was no insult in your declining such an offer. But they are your parents, and Miss Manners probably doesn’t need to tell you that there is a lot going on here beneath the surface.

Here is her guess at what is lurking below:

Your parents are aware that your political views differ from theirs, and hoped that the movie might help change your mind.

You agreed to go to oblige them, and perhaps to gain some insights into their thinking.

They hoped it had worked to the extent that you would wear evidence of having changed to their views. This was a probe, rather than a gift.

But it didn’t work, so they were disappointed.

Miss Manners suggests that you tell them simply that you found the film interesting, and let it go at that.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been married for 46 years to a distinguished professor. Last spring, his academic department gave him a retirement party in honor of his 44 years of teaching, his seven books and his dedicated work.

The party was held at a trendy restaurant, with one room reserved for cocktails, and another for the seated dinner.

When my husband went to the other room, I was slow to follow because I was assisting an elderly woman who had a bad leg. Because of her understandable slowness, we were the last to arrive.

My husband was seated at a table with eight colleagues. The elderly woman and I sat in the very back of the room -- the only place available.

Six or eight people made speeches in honor of my husband, but the acoustics of the room meant that I could not hear a word.

My husband says he was just “going with the flow.” I believe that I deserved to be included in his “flow.”

I would like to know what etiquette prescribes for the treatment of a spouse when a retirement party and dinner is being held for the partner.

I have felt depressed and mortified every day since then. I feel very demeaned and cannot recover.

GENTLE READER: Please do not feel that Miss Manners is unsympathetic because she feels obliged to remind you that this party was not about you.

It is true that in a good marriage, each person contributes, in big and small ways, to the success of the other. When Academy Award winners go on about how they couldn’t have achieved that without (a list of relatives, teachers, colleagues), it is probably true.

And your husband could have given such a speech, mentioning whether he tested his ideas with you, had your critique his work, or simply been able to work because you created a domestic realm in which it was possible. But as he is not a part of an awards ceremony world, where everyone knows that such acknowledgments are expected, Miss Manners would not fault him, much less consider it reason to nourish a grudge.

Etiquette does not prescribe, as you suggest, that public recognition be conferred on the spouse. In that case, there would have been a head table of 18, including the colleagues’ spouses and partners.

Miss Manners deeply hopes that there are occasions when your achievements are recognized, whether these are private matters that should be celebrated by your family and friends, or professional ones that would garner public recognition.

And she would hope that then, your husband would proudly join in the admiration without expecting that he be given credit, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if it is polite to have a clock in the dining room.

GENTLE READER: Yes, if you use it to announce that the souffle is ready. No, if you use it to stare at when the guests have outlasted your patience.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have a new baby, and we also have a bit of a problem. Both grandmothers want to be called “Nana.”

We’ve suggested that one could be “Nana Bea” and the other could be “Nana Joan,” but neither will budge, and each wants to be called just Nana. One other bit of info: Nana Bea already has nine other grandkids and Nana Joan has just this one.

GENTLE READER: Awww. That is adorable.

Oh no, not the names. Nor the silly fighting among grownups who should know better. Miss Manners finds it adorable that both grandmothers think that they will have a say in what they will be called once the baby is old enough to have an opinion about it.

But in order for you and your wife to remain neutral and unbiased (and that one of them has fewer grandchildren is not conducive to that argument), Miss Manners recommends that you tell them both that they can be “Nana.” Then have a good laugh together in a couple of years, when one becomes “Nana Far-Away,” and the other, “Nana Gets-Me-Toys.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attended my best friend’s sister-in-law’s wedding, several years ago, it was during a time of unemployment, and I was not able to buy the new couple a gift.

Instead, knowing that they would be visiting my hometown during their honeymoon, I arranged to have a lovely bouquet of flowers placed in their hotel room on my behalf. I also offered to take them on a tour of a well-known tourist destination, as I had a pass and their tickets would be comped. It was my way of making up for what I felt was the faux pas of not getting them a traditional gift.

Several weeks later, my best friend phoned me. Apparently his sister-in-law and her husband felt very uncomfortable with my gift; my best friend noted that mine was the only present in their suite and that it was “weird” and “super awkward” of me to do that.

Needless to say, I was mortified that my altruistic gesture would be so horribly misinterpreted. While I assured my best friend of the best of my intentions (I fully explained the situation, my unemployment, etc.), and offered my profound apologies to the new couple, I have never fully forgotten this incident.

Looking back on it now, was I wrong to do such a thing? Should I have taken a different route altogether?

GENTLE READER: While normally Miss Manners would have flocked to your rescue to defend the sweet gift of flowers and a tour, she does admit that something is a little weird: the offer to join them on their travels.

In this age, when couples may live together for 10 years before getting married, honeymoons may well have lost their original romantic intent and meaning. But you rather explicitly pointing that out will not likely produce the gratitude for which you were hoping.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)