DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been given a lovely cut-glass butter dish. It is the type that holds one stick of real butter. It is an elegant piece, and I would like to use it every day, but I am somewhat at a loss of how to use it properly. I buy my butter in wrapped sticks, so should I unwrap the butter before putting it on the butter dish? Should I leave the butter wrapped, but the wrap loosened? What is proper?

GENTLE READER: Although proper etiquette has no objection to practicality or efficiency, they are not, as Miss Manners often has to point out, etiquette’s primary concern. It is, however, pleasant when they find themselves all rowing in the same general direction.

Etiquette removes the wrapper prior to putting the butter in your dish because it is more formal. Efficiency points out that this is easier on the guests. And practicality observes that guests who have to juggle both cut-glass dishes and wrappers, which tend to stick to the butter, are more likely to have an accident, shortening the life of the wrapper, the butter and the cut-glass dish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to stare at someone to read what his or her shirt says?

GENTLE READER: It is -- more so for a her -- which will frustrate the pedants who then ask why one would write something that cannot be read. Miss Manners answers that there is a difference between reading and staring, a point that is obvious to anyone who has been on the receiving end of the latter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Months ago, my brother and his wife invited us to attend a comedy show, and dinner beforehand, in the town where they live (about two hours away). They suggested we ask my parents to babysit for our children, which we often do, and my parents were happy to do so.

Unfortunately, something has come up and my parents can no longer babysit. My brother does not have kids, so we asked him if any of his local friends with kids could recommend a sitter.

He said he’d put a post on social media asking people in his town for recommendations. I asked him not to do this, as we weren’t comfortable having a complete stranger alone with our kids. Since at this point we are likely going to be asking friends to watch the kids, we are probably going to have to skip dinner.

My mother has told me that they complained to her about our not wanting to see what came from their social media post. Is it rude to back out of our plans, or part of them, because our babysitting plans fell through and we haven’t been able to get new ones we are comfortable with?

GENTLE READER: Lack of adequate babysitting is a legitimate reason for canceling plans, so long as it does not become habitual and a genuine effort was made to find a replacement sitter -- greater effort being required for more formal events.

Miss Manners realizes this will be disappointing to your brother and his wife. She would have consoled them by giving them leave to think that your parental concern is overly fussy -- if only they had kept those thoughts to themselves.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would appreciate some direction about what an appropriate response would be for someone who congratulates me when they hear that my daughter got married.

Unfortunately, I find this comment very annoying, even though I know that it is meant to be positive. I suspect that my interpretation of the comment is based on the following:

1. A rather contentious divorce after 28 years of marriage;

2. I’m really not sure exactly how much involvement I had in my daughter’s ability to get married;

3. In my current situation, not being married, being congratulated on a marriage is not such a good thing.

Perhaps after some time, when I’ve had a chance to decompress and the acknowledgments decrease, this whole thing will subside.

GENTLE READER: Yes -- stop, take a deep breath and decompress. Please.

You seem to believe there should be trigger warnings before well-intentioned people utter simple pleasantries. Remarking “Nice weather we’re having” might set hearers brooding about how that brings on their allergies.

So should the well-intentioned person who thought you might enjoy your daughter’s happiness instead keep in mind that you are only focused on your own divorced state?

Miss Manners should not need to tell you that this was not about you. Nor that the world is rude enough without you nursing insults where none were intended.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A married couple who I consider friends of mine, and who live in Europe, were the unfortunate victims of a pickpocket on a train. They were heading out to a vacation in a nearby country and lost cash, credit cards, identification, etc. This event forced them to cancel the trip. Apparently some of their reservations were nonrefundable, so now they are out of a tidy sum of money.

The only reason that I am aware of this whole situation is because they posted about it on social media and then set up an online fundraising page seeking donations to recoup their losses.

This couple travels and dines out frequently, and regularly shares all of their adventures on social media. Needless to say, I do not feel compelled to donate, as I feel that this fundraising appeal is a tacky money grab, and I would rather give to an entity that I feel is sincerely deserving or in genuine need.

Past experience tells me that these friends are likely to write and inquire if a donation will be forthcoming. What is the best way to respond? I don’t want to be callous or dismissive of their loss, but I cannot in good conscience provide a donation under such circumstances.

GENTLE READER: Your obligation is to commiserate with your friends, not to insure them. So your response should say how sorry you are for their loss, ignoring any pleas for money.

Should they pursue this, Miss Manners recommends that you react as you would at the approach of anyone else intent on picking your pocket -- by keeping your hand over your wallet.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette around accepting parcels for neighbors? Should the original recipient come to pick it up, or is the onus on the person who accepted the delivery to then drop it off at its intended destination when the recipient appears to be home?

Due to my working hours, I am often home during the day and happy to accept deliveries for others. However, these often end up sitting in my hallway for days. Most notably, a neighbor’s flat-pack furniture boxes were partially blocking my door for over a week, until I managed to catch the neighbors outside and politely request they come get their stuff.

Sometimes I’ll pop over and drop deliveries off later (if I can carry them), but shouldn’t the recipients be making the effort to reclaim their property (assuming they received delivery information)?

GENTLE READER: It still counts as a good deed if you set the terms. A good neighbor need not be confined to her own house in the space left by other people’s purchases.

One problem may be a common attitude by commuters toward people who are at home: that they are always there, with nothing much to do. To squelch that, Miss Manners suggests that you require everyone to give you good estimates of when their packages are expected, so you can say whether you will be there, and also to say when they will pick up the item. This can be phrased in a cheerful, considerate way, because you wouldn’t want to miss the delivery, or for them not to be able to retrieve their packages when you are away.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have read that forks should be placed in the order in which they will be used, which presumably means that if salad is to be served after the main course, the salad fork should be to the right of the dinner fork.

However, I have never seen a table set this way, and it looks odd and unbalanced to me. I will be hosting a formal dinner soon where this is an issue, and I would like to get it right. Can you help me?

GENTLE READER: What strikes Miss Manners as odd is that correctness, in matters big and small, is now rare enough to seem odd.

You are quite right that flatware should be positioned, outside to inside, in order of use. This gives the lie to that canard about which fork to use being a snobbish etiquette test.

Restaurants usually serve salads before the main meal, in which case the salad fork should be on the outside. But in formal service, the salad comes afterwards, and its fork is positioned accordingly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do “black tie optional” and “black tie invited” mean?

GENTLE READER: That the hosts are giving a black tie party, but understandably do not want to hear silly complaints about that being uncomfortable (usually from those who only want to declare what regular fellows they are), nor to exclude people who cannot manage that for one reason or another.

If you have received such waffling instructions on an invitation, Miss Manners hopes you will make the effort to observe the real dress code.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)