DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have, over the past few years, applied to a number of academic appointments in English departments across the country -- and, like an unfortunate number of people in the humanities, I have not been able to secure a position. This means I have become, at least in the eyes of my in-laws, the living cliche of the graduate student who simply will not graduate.

I know there are worse existences. My advisers in my department have done their very best to assure me that eventually, with time, patience, and some luck, I will secure a job, and I have some hope that this will happen.

In the meantime, I now have to look forward to yet another holiday season and the requisite barrage of job-related questions from family and friends who are not so well-acquainted with the humanities and its job market killing-fields. Indeed, what often begins as a series of friendly questions or innocuous observations from relatives soon turns into a not-so-friendly inquisition, which invariably ends with some flavor of the questions: “Have you ever considered other options?” and “What would those be for you, exactly?”

I prevail on your expertise, Miss Manners, in dealing with lines of questioning that are at once sympathetic and invasive. I’m doing my best to maintain my temper for now.

GENTLE READER: The trick is not to let it go beyond the innocuous stage. And you should learn this now, as the problem will not cease when you do get a job. Only then, it will be about suggesting more lucrative fields.

The easiest way is to give a simple answer and immediately start questioning your interlocutors about themselves. Not only is that distracting, but it is considered charming.

For hard cases, Miss Manners suggests a soulful look and the cheerful declaration of, “I know it’s hard, but I’m not going to give up pursuing my dream.”

You will recognize this as a popular cliche of child-rearing. For that very reason, anyone who tries to advise you to give up and settle for less is going to look bitter and bad.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a river cruise with friends, they each ordered an entree first, but no soup. When it came to me, I ordered soup, so they changed their orders and all ordered soup. They said they did not want to sit while I had my soup.

I said, “Why can’t you just converse with each other?” but they didn’t want to do that. So I said, “Then you order things to eat you really may not want, just because others do?” They said yes, and that they felt it was rude not to follow this procedure.

I said I thought it was crazy. Am I the crazy one, and being rude?

GENTLE READER: Maybe just tedious. If we could revive the old rule against discussing at the table what everyone is eating, the world would go around a lot faster. That exchange does not meet Miss Manners’ definition of conversation.

Furthermore, she confesses that she is one of those people who listens to others’ orders, thinks, “Oh, that sounds good,” and orders it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you speak to the etiquette of costume party dress?

I’ve been invited to a party for adults with a “Christmas pajama contest.” It’s a church group of relatively close acquaintances and friends.

I assume that about 75% of the people will come in their pajamas or a “traditional” Christmas pajamas look; however, a few people are not participating (based on online RSVP messages).

What do you think? Is it proper to come in your pajamas -- whatever they might be? Or should the “red onesie with reindeer” be the goal? And in general, are there standards of dress that supersede any costume party dictums?

GENTLE READER: Yes: One must be fully clothed.

As it is a church group, Miss Manners is assuming that this is implicit. But she has been fooled before -- and the precarious closure on the back of that onesie is just asking for trouble.

However, this is also a contest, so it is likely that most attendees will not be wearing what they wore to bed the previous night. That is both a blessing and not.

Festive but sturdy cotton or flannel pajamas seem safe. Just know that you will likely be competing with electrified Christmas wreaths and inexplicably sexy yule logs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a nanny and really enjoy the family I work for. I do not own a car and commute almost exclusively with my bicycle, which is therefore very precious to me.

Unfortunately, the other day, Baby’s papa was doing some home projects and left the garage door open, and my lovely bicycle was stolen. Today Mama and Papa gave me a sum of money nearly equivalent to the original cost of my lost property and apologized for their carelessness.

This was very generous and will help me get back on the road soon, but I am wondering what my obligation is in thanking them. I am usually very good about writing formal thank-you notes for gifts, but since this was a reimbursement for an accident and not a gift, one part of me thinks my verbal thanks is enough and we can leave it at that.

On the other hand, I love this job and these people, and not everyone would have been so generous in their apologies (or even apologized at all!). I would, of course, love to show my appreciation. Can you help me out with this one?

GENTLE READER: What a relief. Miss Manners was fully expecting you to tell her that Papa’s reaction was more like, “It’s my garage door and I should be able to open it whenever I like!”

She is pleased to see that all parties are behaving civilly, and that you are only asking how to make the situation even better.

As the transgression was on the part of the family, a profound verbal thank-you is fine, and a written one not strictly necessary. However, an abundance of gratitude, as well as the reinforcement of gracious and proper behavior, is never remiss, and this is an opportunity to tell your employers how much you value them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I host all holiday celebrations. This is because I have the space and the cooking skills, and for the most part, I enjoy spending time with family and friends and preparing a huge, elegant meal for them. With one exception, the crowd seated around the table always seems to enjoy the feast very much.

However, we have one family member, an older woman, who acts like a spoiled toddler at the table: making faces, gagging and spitting out any food that is not to her taste, then loudly announcing the specific reasons she does not care for the food, and what I should have made instead. She has even gone as far as to remove family favorites from the table, throwing plates full of food in the trash, yelling that she is protecting everybody else from being made ill by that horrible slop!

What she does like are instant foods and canned goods that are doctored up with sugar, garlic, prepackaged seasoning mixes and sometimes bacon. I cook from scratch and have a lighter hand with the seasonings. I try to make sure there are things on the table that she will eat, but she is the only one who wants that stuff, which also makes her very angry. Otherwise, I do my best to ignore the insulting and childish behavior.

My immediate family and I have had a terrible year, full of grief, stress, physical pain and illness, with more troubles on the horizon. I am having difficulty dealing with this extended family member’s outspokenness at times that are not so emotionally loaded as holiday celebrations, and have, on a couple occasions, snapped at her. If it were possible to be out of town for the holidays to avoid the unpleasantness, that is exactly what we would do, but we have obligations at home.

How do I keep my temper in check and create some boundaries while still being a good hostess? Do I somehow find the energy to cook her a big, separate meal in an attempt to keep the peace? Do I do it her way to shut her up, and let everybody else complain? Do I suggest that she go to the Asian restaurant down the road, the only business open over the holidays, if she cannot eat what is on my table? Do I confront her about her behavior? If so, how do I do it in a way that does not make others uncomfortable?

I need a plan, or I am afraid I will be unable to keep from sharing a few honest opinions of my own, and things will get ugly!

GENTLE READER: Take the family member aside -- privately and well before the appointed meal -- and ask how you can help. “I do not seem to be able to please you. I know you have your favorite dishes, but the rest of the family does, too. Perhaps you can help me with a few things that everyone will like.”

There are no guarantees in managing someone whose bizarre hostility has gone untreated. But in Miss Manners’ experience, there is nothing quite so disarming to a tantrum-prone individual than to be spoken to calmly and rationally -- and more important, to be taken seriously.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)