DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work out at lunchtime in the gym located in the building where I work. I’m always in a bit of a rush to get my workout done during lunch hour, and really value the time to myself away from work.

The problem is a man who is also in the gym typically at the same time. And who likes talking to me.

I don’t want to spend time chatting during my workout, but so far, he has not picked up on my wearing headphones or being on equipment doing heavy cardio work, or the lack of interest on my part. He will come talk with me whether I’m doing yoga, lifting weights or running on the treadmill.

Any suggestions on what to say to this person without offending or embarrassing him? I realize I will continue to see him rather frequently, so do not wish to hurt his feelings, but obviously what I’m doing is not working and he does not seem to know gym etiquette.

GENTLE READER: It is no more polite to pester a stranger on the street than one at your gym, but being in the gym gives you several unique ways to fend the person off.

The next time he approaches, pretend not to hear him. You are, after all, listening to music and working out. Once you do see him, stop your workout, take off your headphones and ask him to repeat what he said. This disengagement from your workout is for demonstration purposes and should be slow and methodical.

Answer whatever he says with as few words as possible, excuse yourself, and then go back to your headphones and your workout. A few repetitions should be enough to convince him that you are not available for chitchat. If not, you can always smile, apologize, and say that now is not a good time to talk, as you only have a limited time and you promised yourself that you would do this workout.

You can also do that in the first place, but Miss Manners rather likes the idea of dramatizing the disruption.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending an annual event that changed venues, as well as dress code, this year. Usually the event has been very casual, where even heels were judged too much.

This year, the event details say “cocktail attire encouraged.” I always err on the side of dressier in my everyday attire anyway, but I worry I’ll be way overdressed (even though it is better to be overdressed, of course). Generally, what does this dress code mean?

GENTLE READER: Cocktail attire, now that nobody changes clothes for an afternoon drink, indicates something sloppily between formal and business dress, whatever that might mean. And what the authors of the invitation, the guests and Miss Manners believe it to mean may not, alas, be the same.

Encouraging, rather than requiring, such an unhelpful standard is merely the coup de grace. For this reason, she begs all parties to refrain from judging the guests (even while she encourages judging the hosts). Dress as you intended, keep your head up high -- and ignore criticisms.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was called too sensitive by a close relative. The relative then explained to me that there is a way to cure being too sensitive. Then the relative said it was just a joke, which I clearly did not find amusing.

As a guy, is there anything wrong with being overly sensitive? I have always found this relative to be a kind and caring person. It is situations like this that make me question my impression, as it's not the first time something like this has occurred.

GENTLE READER: Allow Miss Manners to translate for you the current use of the accusation of being “too sensitive.” Although it is a strange accusation to make in an era that values sensitivity, it is a common one. What it generally means is, “You are not supposed to object to my being offensive.” So perhaps the response might be, “Well, I suppose you can show me how to be insensitive.”

That your relative then used the also-common joke defense makes Miss Manners reasonably sure that you were responding to an insult or otherwise offensive remark. In that case, you would not need to question your reaction.

But it worries her that this is not the only instance, and that you know your relative to be kind and caring.

Is it possible that you have a habit of insult-collecting? That you examine ordinary conversation for hidden digs at yourself, or presume that general observations are meant to be taken as being about you?

That would be insensitive.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We frequently dine out with another couple who pride themselves on cultivating close relationships with our food servers.

We have always maintained friendly but businesslike relations with the waitstaff, but this couple will carry on conversations even on our way out of the restaurant, so that we have to wait for them at the door. Is this chumminess appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Why don’t you go in separate cars, so it won’t hold you up?

Otherwise, it doesn’t bother Miss Manners any more than it should you. If the staff feels trapped, they have the polite excuse of saying that they must get back to work. And you may say that you have to run along.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My in-laws are visiting us, and their very old friend was invited to visit us while they are here. It was an open-ended invitation -- come on a weekend, not specifically this weekend, or the next, or the one after.

Since there was no response in terms of day of the visit, my husband and I ended up making separate plans for him and myself for the weekend. Late on Friday night, the guest asked about our plans for Saturday. Would it be OK for me or my husband to still go out? Or should we both be home when they come over?

GENTLE READER: You can be both absent and polite, Miss Manners assures you:

“I’m so sorry, but when we didn’t hear from you, Roy and I made other plans. His parents will be here, and I know they would love to see you, but we are sorry to miss you.” Accompanied by a pretty platter of food, obviously left by you, that should do it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help! We are planning our wedding exactly according to the rules, and now everyone is mad at us! My mother and my future mother-in-law, who weren’t friendly before, bonded over telling us we are being selfish. And it’s our wedding!

Plus, we did everything right. First you are supposed to decide what kind of wedding you want. We want ours in a certain elegant resort. Then you do the budget, right? We did, and at that point, our parents, mine and his, were very generous.

When they got mean, it was at the third step, the guest list. Mindful of the budget, we kept it down, eliminating their friends that we don’t know that well, and some not very important relatives. As advised, we said that they can include others if they pay extra -- just being financially responsible! -- but that made them even madder. Plus, my grandfather can’t travel to the resort, so now they’re even questioning our venue. Where did we go wrong?

GENTLE READER: You read the checklist upside down. Or it was written scrambled.

It should not be necessary to point out that people last longer than flowers or cake, or even dresses. But it is necessary to point out that while the marriage is all yours, the wedding involves two families. Miss Manners doesn’t care for that declaration about “our wedding” any more than the two mothers do.

Yes, yes, she wants you to have a lovely wedding that you enjoy and remember. But as you have discovered, it is not pleasant to set off squabbles among those with whom you want to celebrate.

Here is the proper order:

1. The guest list. Not everyone you can think of, but -- for now -- those whose presence will be truly meaningful to members of the two immediate families.

2. The budget. As you acknowledge, the parents were generous; they are not obliged to pay, and are the sole judges of the amount they are willing and able to give. Then you should figure out what the money will allow.

3. The arrangements, with those two considerations in mind. Presuming that your grandfather is on the "essential people" list of the parent whose father he is, the resort is out. As you are fond of it, go there for your honeymoon. And figure out what you can afford to pay for the venue and the reception.

4. The trade-offs. Do you want to invite more guests? In that case, you might have to scale back on other expenses. You could have a daytime wedding with a luncheon or tea, which would cost considerably less than a dinner dance. Or if that form is important to you, you could stick to the basic guest list. Or cut back on the venue or decorations.

At last, your wishes, as the bridal couple, prevail. Wasn’t that worth waiting for?

Sure it was. The parents are back to rejoicing in your happiness. Taking into consideration the feelings of others is the best preparation for marriage.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you eat baked chicken with your hands? Also, can you use a regular teaspoon for soup when serving several guests?

GENTLE READER: No doubt you can. But please don’t. Your fingers will be greasy, and your guests will take forever to finish their soup.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)