DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, we bought an old house Dracula wouldn't have been willing to live in, tore it down, and replaced it with a spiffy modern house. The next-door neighbors were enraged at this and did their best to block our plans. When that failed, they continually called the city to complain about the inconvenience to themselves of our project.

Now we are done, and these same neighbors have embarked on an extensive renovation project. They are doing the same things they complained about us doing: starting work too early, storing materials in the street, workers playing loud music, and so on.

I don't want to be difficult the way they were, but I can't help wanting to ask them why this is OK when they do it. Yet I also realize saying this would make a bad situation worse.

GENTLE READER: Tell your neighbors that you completely understand, from experience, that neighbors get upset because sometimes homeowners do not realize that workers are being inconsiderate -- but could they please ask the contractor not to block the driveway?

Miss Manners does not promise this will be effective; the only guaranteed solution is to wait it out. But it may embarrass them. And even if it does not, it will be satisfying to demonstrate how a good neighbor behaves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An elderly friend has given us a gift, in appreciation for things we've done for him over the years, of two ivory bracelets he bought at a craft fair. We do not want to wear these because of the ivory problem. We cannot give them to a charity for a "white elephant" (yes, we note the irony) sale because it's illegal to sell ivory with no authentication of its being acquired pre-1976. So the charity would be stuck with it, even though we would no longer have to worry about it. What can we ethically do with this gift?

GENTLE READER: Put it in the closet. Miss Manners realizes this is tantamount to sticking the children with it in the distant future, but one problem at a time.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work out at lunchtime in the gym located in the building where I work. I’m always in a bit of a rush to get my workout done during lunch hour, and really value the time to myself away from work.

The problem is a man who is also in the gym typically at the same time. And who likes talking to me.

I don’t want to spend time chatting during my workout, but so far, he has not picked up on my wearing headphones or being on equipment doing heavy cardio work, or the lack of interest on my part. He will come talk with me whether I’m doing yoga, lifting weights or running on the treadmill.

Any suggestions on what to say to this person without offending or embarrassing him? I realize I will continue to see him rather frequently, so do not wish to hurt his feelings, but obviously what I’m doing is not working and he does not seem to know gym etiquette.

GENTLE READER: It is no more polite to pester a stranger on the street than one at your gym, but being in the gym gives you several unique ways to fend the person off.

The next time he approaches, pretend not to hear him. You are, after all, listening to music and working out. Once you do see him, stop your workout, take off your headphones and ask him to repeat what he said. This disengagement from your workout is for demonstration purposes and should be slow and methodical.

Answer whatever he says with as few words as possible, excuse yourself, and then go back to your headphones and your workout. A few repetitions should be enough to convince him that you are not available for chitchat. If not, you can always smile, apologize, and say that now is not a good time to talk, as you only have a limited time and you promised yourself that you would do this workout.

You can also do that in the first place, but Miss Manners rather likes the idea of dramatizing the disruption.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending an annual event that changed venues, as well as dress code, this year. Usually the event has been very casual, where even heels were judged too much.

This year, the event details say “cocktail attire encouraged.” I always err on the side of dressier in my everyday attire anyway, but I worry I’ll be way overdressed (even though it is better to be overdressed, of course). Generally, what does this dress code mean?

GENTLE READER: Cocktail attire, now that nobody changes clothes for an afternoon drink, indicates something sloppily between formal and business dress, whatever that might mean. And what the authors of the invitation, the guests and Miss Manners believe it to mean may not, alas, be the same.

Encouraging, rather than requiring, such an unhelpful standard is merely the coup de grace. For this reason, she begs all parties to refrain from judging the guests (even while she encourages judging the hosts). Dress as you intended, keep your head up high -- and ignore criticisms.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was called too sensitive by a close relative. The relative then explained to me that there is a way to cure being too sensitive. Then the relative said it was just a joke, which I clearly did not find amusing.

As a guy, is there anything wrong with being overly sensitive? I have always found this relative to be a kind and caring person. It is situations like this that make me question my impression, as it's not the first time something like this has occurred.

GENTLE READER: Allow Miss Manners to translate for you the current use of the accusation of being “too sensitive.” Although it is a strange accusation to make in an era that values sensitivity, it is a common one. What it generally means is, “You are not supposed to object to my being offensive.” So perhaps the response might be, “Well, I suppose you can show me how to be insensitive.”

That your relative then used the also-common joke defense makes Miss Manners reasonably sure that you were responding to an insult or otherwise offensive remark. In that case, you would not need to question your reaction.

But it worries her that this is not the only instance, and that you know your relative to be kind and caring.

Is it possible that you have a habit of insult-collecting? That you examine ordinary conversation for hidden digs at yourself, or presume that general observations are meant to be taken as being about you?

That would be insensitive.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We frequently dine out with another couple who pride themselves on cultivating close relationships with our food servers.

We have always maintained friendly but businesslike relations with the waitstaff, but this couple will carry on conversations even on our way out of the restaurant, so that we have to wait for them at the door. Is this chumminess appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Why don’t you go in separate cars, so it won’t hold you up?

Otherwise, it doesn’t bother Miss Manners any more than it should you. If the staff feels trapped, they have the polite excuse of saying that they must get back to work. And you may say that you have to run along.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My in-laws are visiting us, and their very old friend was invited to visit us while they are here. It was an open-ended invitation -- come on a weekend, not specifically this weekend, or the next, or the one after.

Since there was no response in terms of day of the visit, my husband and I ended up making separate plans for him and myself for the weekend. Late on Friday night, the guest asked about our plans for Saturday. Would it be OK for me or my husband to still go out? Or should we both be home when they come over?

GENTLE READER: You can be both absent and polite, Miss Manners assures you:

“I’m so sorry, but when we didn’t hear from you, Roy and I made other plans. His parents will be here, and I know they would love to see you, but we are sorry to miss you.” Accompanied by a pretty platter of food, obviously left by you, that should do it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)