DEAR MISS MANNERS: We lost everything (including our pets) in a house fire two years ago. We were devastated, as nothing was recoverable. Many people helped with money, blankets, clothing, a GoFundMe page, etc.

Then my husband lost his job in early June, and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

Was I supposed to send thank-you notes to all who sent money and provided financial help during the time after the fire? It went from one bad event to the next. Are there some circumstances where a thank-you card can be overlooked? Am I ungrateful?

GENTLE READER: Apparently. With all the terrible luck you have had, you are ignoring your good fortune in having people who care enough to help you.

Are you truly not grateful to them? And do you not want to encourage such kindness by telling them how much it meant to you?

Miss Manners can understand that you are focused on the bad things that have happened to you. But it would do you good to look at the kinder side, as well. Expressing thanks is not just a chore to repay a debt, but a reminder of not having to suffer alone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some time ago, I received a letter from a friend stating that she was hurt that I did not attend her wedding. She wanted an explanation of why I didn’t attend, especially since she had attended my wedding several years before.

I replied with a letter of apology, noting that traveling for her wedding was not feasible at that time in my life due to a number of factors, including limited finances. The friend accepted my letter and apology, but told me that I “owe her a trip to visit her next year” and to “start planning.” I told her that I very much want to visit someday in the future, but did not commit to a time frame.

What do I say when she comes calling next year to ask me to make a trip to see her? Amidst other family travel obligations, her trip is low on my priority list and unlikely to happen in the next couple years -- especially with a new baby in my household. I feel as though I am being held hostage until I prove my friendship with an expensive visit.

GENTLE READER: Your friend is trying to say that she has forgiven you and wants to resume the friendship. It is just that she has chosen a particularly awkward way to do so.

That baby is a long-term excuse, which Miss Manners recommends pairing with another expression of interest in the friendship: “It’s been far too long, but Dalia makes travel complicated [insert amusing story of tending to Dalia’s needs on a family trip]. Any chance of you and Lyle coming this way? The guest room is now the nursery, but I’d love to see as much of you as I can.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should misgendering be treated the same as using an incorrect name?

If I slipped and used the wrong name while speaking to or about someone, I would apologize and correct myself. If I were to accidentally misgender someone in conversation, is simply acknowledging and correcting the mistake sufficient?

I try very hard to use requested pronouns, but I have occasionally slipped regarding a person I’ve just met (as I have occasionally done with names) and feel terrible. Surely misgendering, which is commonly done as an insult, is a more egregious offense than saying “Anne” when I mean to say “Amy.”

What is the best way to address this unintentional rudeness?

GENTLE READER: The emphasis on suiting pronouns to identity has to do with tolerance and acceptance. Therefore, Miss Manners trusts that those who expect these virtues will also practice them.

That means there should be a reasonable acceptance of the nearly universal (with the exception of successful politicians) problem of remembering names correctly, and tolerance for the difficulty, now, of the correct pronouns. It should not be assumed automatically that mistakes are --well, not mistakes, but deliberate derogatory judgments.

An apology ought to be enough to establish one’s goodwill when mistaking a name or a pronoun. However, there is a limit. You can’t keep doing it to the same person and expect it not to be considered intentional. This makes it hard on people with bad memories, who will have to develop more extensive and self-abasing apologies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an area where the residents have been ordered to stay at home because of COVID-19, and I’ve spent more time recently communicating with my friends and family through phone calls, emails or text messages, as most are in the same situation.

It has been a good opportunity to reconnect and catch up, swapping stories and comparing our similar tales of inconvenience and adjustment. However, a friend who is also in confinement, and who usually phones once a month, now calls four times a day. Her conversations range from her impassioned views on news and politics to her running low on toilet paper.

At first, it was nice to hear from her more frequently, but now it’s becoming a nuisance. What can I possibly say to make her limit her calls? There’s no sense telling her that I’m too busy to talk or that I have somewhere else to be, because obviously she knows that neither excuse is true.

GENTLE READER: It is a sad situation, and if you and your friend have any mutual acquaintances, you might suggest that they check in with her. But Miss Manners does not expect you to devote your days to endless socializing with one person.

You do have things to do: keeping in touch with other people, and perhaps that dreaded fallback of the quarantined -- household organization and chores that you had always claimed never to have the time to perform. And only under these special circumstances -- namely, that your devices are currently your only way of making sure everyone is all right -- Miss Manners will allow you to sign off on one rambling call to take another.

However, the best excuses are always no excuses. That way, there is no danger of being misbelieved or found out. So you need to learn to say, “Sorry, can’t talk now.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I made friends with a single father. He has an 11-year-old daughter who is an angel (except that she’s glued to my hip whenever they are over, taking any adult time), and a 3-year-old son who craves attention in a reckless way.

I love kids and have a knack for them, but don’t have any yet. Neither of these children has a mother figure, and they bid for my attention. I find myself essentially babysitting his kids whenever he’s over for my own peace of mind.

The little boy is a terror. On his first visit, he tried to smash a piece of electronics. But I’ve come to find him extremely intelligent, and see that he’s being destructive as the only way to get attention.

We had several conversations, and he no longer tries to smash my things; he pets my dogs nicely, instead of trying to hurt them; he won’t go near the wood stove, and is, for the most part, a little angel -- here, at least.

But I think I offended his dad. I’m aware it’s rude to parent other people’s children, but the only alternative would be to end the friendship, which I find extreme.

There has been an ongoing issue with the child touching kids at preschool. So I sat him down, explained to him how it’s disrespectful (we went over respect when he was smashing my stuff), and his dad cut me off, saying that talking to him about an issue for more than a moment makes it worse. (I’ve never seen him speak to the child except in a disciplinarian tone.)

I haven’t seen or heard from him since. It hasn’t been that long, so I doubt he’s absolved the friendship, but how do you suggest I proceed if we continue to be friends?

GENTLE READER: When it comes to the rearing of children, outsiders (those who do not live with them -- inclusive of, but not limited to, friends and grandparents) are usually only seeing part of the situation. What has worked for you and the child may not be working for his father, and vice versa.

You should, however, be able to dictate decorum in your own house, especially when it comes to the preservation of your furniture, dogs, the little boy’s life and your own sanity.

Still, you would do well to make amends proactively: “I am afraid that I have offended you when I thought I was helping. Darwin has responded so well to the chats about respect that we have had that I thought it would help him to understand how it transfers to his friends at school. But I am not the parent and I did not mean to overstep. I hope that we can continue the friendship, as we have come to love you and the children like family.”

The “like” is a critical qualifier, Miss Manners points out. It ensures that you do not cross boundaries -- and that your guests eventually go home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to drink coffee or tea during an office meeting?

GENTLE READER: On the contrary, it may actually be a requirement.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)