DEAR MISS MANNERS: While dining at a restaurant, my husband signaled our server to our table by saying, “Oh miss, I’d like more coffee.”

I told him that addressing her in such a manner was no longer appropriate, but he countered that calling her by her first name or her job title, such as “Oh waitress,” was even worse.

How exactly does one address a server these days, particularly those who are female, without wandering into a minefield of words that could be considered outdated at best and offensive at worst? Normally, I ask people how they’d like to be addressed, but doing so while being served dinner does not seem appropriate, either.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette exists to solve such problems, which is why Miss Manners slaps the hands (metaphorically) of people who actively seek reasons to be offended. A waitress who takes offense at being called “miss” -- a perfectly proper and respectful form of address -- should steel herself for less pleasant alternatives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to the wedding of the daughter of a close friend. A card was enclosed with the invitation that stated that the couple had everything they needed for their household, and directed guests to a website to help pay for their honeymoon excursions.

The website listed the events the couple requested, with each payment “slot” costing from $100 to $518. Some of the events listed were: room service, spa treatments, private candlelight dinner, “scents of love” couples massage, souvenirs from their honeymoon, coffee and brown sugar “skin wraps” or Caribbean seaweed wraps -- “to firm, hydrate and remineralize environmentally damaged skin.”

First of all, the couple have been living together for two years. Secondly, they went on a trip very much like a honeymoon when they became engaged, and posted the pictures on social media for everyone to see.

My friend let her daughter plan her own wedding and takes no responsibility for anything she decided to do. She has never crossed her daughter, and finds it’s easier to just buy her things in hopes of winning her love.

I chose to send a check as a present, but I am still very upset about this tacky request. Is this an accepted practice in today’s world? Am I that out of touch?

GENTLE READER: You are indeed out of touch, but Miss Manners encourages you to consider the advantages of this condition:

All these newfangled things (in this case, websites) are simply incomprehensible to you -- so, in your quaint, old-fashioned way, you sent a present instead. This allows you to have a private laugh at your friend’s daughter’s expense while avoiding the rudeness of telling her that while she may be up-to-date, she is also rude and grabby.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was having a sad and difficult time, a not-close relative through marriage reached out to me, told me she loved me like a sister, and “wanted to help.”

She asked me many questions, while also saying several times that she would not repeat anything I said. I now hear, through old friends, that she has spread what I told her as gossip, along with her own demeaning spin, to everyone in my hometown.

I’m horrified, and my reputation is damaged. She has now contacted me, saying that she’s available if I “need to talk.”

Obviously, I am not interested. I want to never see this woman again, and will proceed accordingly. But if she continues to contact me, or if I were to run into her, is there an appropriate way to alert her that I know, and that she should stop?

I don’t want to get into any in-depth discussion with her, and my instinct is to simply turn my back if I see her.

GENTLE READER: Not having to speak with her again and alerting her that you know what she did are understandable goals, but contradictory. If you turn your back or angrily confront her, it will surely lead to more words; if your response is a mildly cold, “Thank you,” she may not realize she got caught. Miss Manners can endorse either course of action, once you decide which goal is more important to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I borrowed two propane space heaters for a two-hour party. I filled them up prior, and not much of the propane was used. When I return them, do I fill them up?

GENTLE READER: As a rule, Miss Manners does not look to rental car agencies for etiquette advice. But in this case, she makes an exception. Such companies do not measure the difference between a full gas tank and an empty one in tablespoons -- nor need you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice, when different friends have invited me and my husband for dinner, the conversations went something like this.

Friend: “We would love to have you and John over for dinner next month!”

Me: “That would be great! We have no plans on our calendar right now.”

Friend: “Let me know what day and time you want to come over, and what you would like to eat.”

I am confused. Isn’t the host supposed to set the date, time and menu? Are these friends being overly accommodating, or are they trying to push some of the responsibility for the evening onto us?

Or were they not serious about an invitation in the first place, like when you run into an old acquaintance in the street and say, “We must catch up sometime,” when you know you never actually will?

I haven’t responded because I feel weird calling them and saying, “We’re coming for pasta on the 15th at 7 p.m.!”

GENTLE READER: Although she cannot tell what your friends are thinking, Miss Manners can tell you how to respond: “We are free the evening of the 15th, if that works for you. We have no dietary restrictions and are sure we will enjoy whatever you serve.” How your hosts respond will reveal their intentions.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We lost everything (including our pets) in a house fire two years ago. We were devastated, as nothing was recoverable. Many people helped with money, blankets, clothing, a GoFundMe page, etc.

Then my husband lost his job in early June, and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

Was I supposed to send thank-you notes to all who sent money and provided financial help during the time after the fire? It went from one bad event to the next. Are there some circumstances where a thank-you card can be overlooked? Am I ungrateful?

GENTLE READER: Apparently. With all the terrible luck you have had, you are ignoring your good fortune in having people who care enough to help you.

Are you truly not grateful to them? And do you not want to encourage such kindness by telling them how much it meant to you?

Miss Manners can understand that you are focused on the bad things that have happened to you. But it would do you good to look at the kinder side, as well. Expressing thanks is not just a chore to repay a debt, but a reminder of not having to suffer alone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some time ago, I received a letter from a friend stating that she was hurt that I did not attend her wedding. She wanted an explanation of why I didn’t attend, especially since she had attended my wedding several years before.

I replied with a letter of apology, noting that traveling for her wedding was not feasible at that time in my life due to a number of factors, including limited finances. The friend accepted my letter and apology, but told me that I “owe her a trip to visit her next year” and to “start planning.” I told her that I very much want to visit someday in the future, but did not commit to a time frame.

What do I say when she comes calling next year to ask me to make a trip to see her? Amidst other family travel obligations, her trip is low on my priority list and unlikely to happen in the next couple years -- especially with a new baby in my household. I feel as though I am being held hostage until I prove my friendship with an expensive visit.

GENTLE READER: Your friend is trying to say that she has forgiven you and wants to resume the friendship. It is just that she has chosen a particularly awkward way to do so.

That baby is a long-term excuse, which Miss Manners recommends pairing with another expression of interest in the friendship: “It’s been far too long, but Dalia makes travel complicated [insert amusing story of tending to Dalia’s needs on a family trip]. Any chance of you and Lyle coming this way? The guest room is now the nursery, but I’d love to see as much of you as I can.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)