Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have a 20-year disagreement on how to properly handle the situation when someone has food on their face.

We both agree that you would begin by discreetly and gently telling the other person that they have something on their face. The disagreement arises in how to tell them WHERE the food is.

When directly facing the person, I have always pointed to the spot on my own face, as if looking in a mirror. This has worked for me for years -- with everyone except my husband. He insists that if I am pointing to my left cheek, he should reverse what he sees (thinking about which side of my own face I am pointing at) and subsequently try to remove the food from his left cheek. He claims that his way is more logical and that he does not have to think about it consciously.

We have agreed to let Miss Manners settle the case, should she choose to do so. Please tell us: Does etiquette dictate whether to “mirror” or not? Which does Miss Manners do?

GENTLE READER: There is no agreed-upon convention, but even if there were, the awkwardness of such exchanges almost guarantees some period of fumbling.

Miss Manners therefore applauds your attempt to limit what follows from devolving into, “No, you haven’t quite got it. No, almost, but it’s still there. No, a little lower. No, your cheek.”

However, she would adopt a somewhat more direct approach: Lift your hand in front of you, on the side that needs to be cleaned, but without extending your fingers. By thus pointing without pointing, you will clarify your intent without the rudeness of sticking a finger in someone else’s face.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law recently brought her dog to stay in my home for two months while her family relocates. She also brought a cute, sturdy canvas tote stitched with the dog’s name, holding an extra leash, two harnesses and assorted treats and meds.

When we send the dog back to her, she asked if I would mail the bag of supplies as well. Like most dog-related goods, the bag and harnesses have gotten muddy and haven’t been washed in a while. I’d love to toss it all in the laundry as I do routinely with my own dogs’ things, and send it all back fresh.

If Miss Manners will take me at my word that I have absolutely no double intent, other than making my SIL’s move a little easier, I would appreciate it. But will my SIL find some offense?

GENTLE READER: Expert though she is on all things etiquette-related, Miss Manners has long ago given up trying to predict what will cause people to take offense when they are determined to do so.

That said, there is a simple solution to your problem. Call your sister-in-law and tell her what you intend to do. When you explain that the purpose of the call was to check if there was any reason to be concerned that the tote’s stitching might be damaged in the wash, you will have removed even the indefensible reason for her to take offense.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have cancer. I live in a fairly small town with a fairly small hospital. There is only one oncology practice, with only one oncologist. The next town is not close.

At my last appointment, the doctor and I were both wearing masks. The hospital does not let anyone into the building without a mask and temperature test. I said something that was a little muffled that I had to repeat. Pointing to his mask, the oncologist said, “These masks don’t do anything anyway. They don’t help; they’re just for show.”

This is a doctor whose patients are virtually all immunocompromised, since most cancer drugs wipe out our white cell count. If this man doesn’t believe masks work, why would he take precautions outside of the hospital?

Gossip spreads easily around here, and I am afraid to say anything to anyone about this for fear he would likely find out who “complained.” As I said, there is no other oncologist in town.

GENTLE READER: Doctors and hospitals are supposed to be more discreet than the average resident, but Miss Manners understands both your concern and your urgency. As the goal is to hide in plain sight, she can offer two solutions: sharing all of your concerns with someone in authority whom you trust -- your general practitioner, perhaps -- and asking that person to act, discreetly, on your behalf; or mobilizing fellow patients to crowd the hospital administration with multiple, identical complaints.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I get a co-worker to wear a mask in our workplace, which supposedly requires masks at all times? I’ve already complained to her supervisor and the HR department.

GENTLE READER: Co-workers -- by which Miss Manners means workers of equal rank, not the faux charm with which the boss who just gave you a bad performance review introduces you as his co-worker -- have limited authority, either from HR or Miss Manners, to boss one another around.

They have still less ability to enforce behavioral changes. If neither the boss nor HR are willing to address your understandable, and serious, concern, then they should be asked if they can relocate you to a safe (not, please note, “a safer”) environment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a not-for-profit agency that provides grants to health care facilities to assist uninsured patients. I just received a lovely holiday gift from a group that we fund.

Although I am appreciative, I am somewhat offended by the gift, because the money used to purchase it could have been used more wisely. How can I graciously thank them and request that I not remain on their gift-giving list?

GENTLE READER: Given the gifting group’s dependence on your agency’s generosity, Miss Manners is not concerned that they will not listen when you object. She is concerned that they will hurt themselves in their haste to reassure you that they are neither misusing the funds you provided nor attempting to bribe your future generosity.

Call your contact at the group and say how much you appreciated the present. Then explain that your call has a second purpose: to suggest that they think of a way to express gratitude that does not cost money -- perhaps a handwritten letter, signed by their patients who have benefited from your agency’s largesse.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is getting married soon. Due to COVID, the wedding has been scaled down from 75 people to 20, and from four bridesmaids to one maid of honor.

After the wedding, my daughter wants to have her bridal bouquet dried and preserved. She was told to save as many flowers from the bouquet as possible, in order to ensure enough flowers make it to be preserved.

The bridal and maid of honor bouquets will look the same, so after the wedding, the bride wants to take both to ensure she has plenty of flowers to get preserved.

I feel the maid of honor’s bouquet belongs to her maid of honor and not to the bride, but my daughter says it belongs to her because she paid for it. I feel her one and only attendant will be hurt if she is not allowed to keep her own bouquet. Your thoughts, please.

GENTLE READER: Those thoughts are all with the poor bridegroom, about to join his life to that of someone who is ready to grab things away from her presumably best friend, and believes that money justifies her doing so.

Traditionally, it is the bridegroom, and not the bride, who buys the bride’s bouquet. So Miss Manners suggests that you tell him the problem. He can then order an enormous bouquet for her, presuming he does not run for the hills.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to simply stop responding to invitations from a group of friends after I have consistently declined over a period of time?

I’ve never felt close to a particular group of my high school friends, but they have get-togethers eight to 12 times per year, which I have attended on and off the 40 years since graduation. I would go, hoping I’d enjoy it “this time,” but rarely did.

I’ve been declining lately, but would rather just bow out completely and forever. I’m not doing them any favors with my halfhearted presence, and I’d rather just focus on the friends I am close to. At what point can I just ignore the email invites, if ever?

GENTLE READER: After your 40 years of infrequent attendance, your high school friends have been talking about dropping you from the list, Miss Manners assures you. But they are afraid that might hurt your feelings. And surely you do not want to hurt theirs.

So the easiest thing is to keep declining those invitations. No excuse is necessary. But if that is really too much of a nuisance, you could write to the organizer, saying that it is unfortunate that you keep missing their gatherings, but want them to know that you wish them all well -- a statement that is clearly associated with a lengthy departure.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it more personal to use “to” or “for” (as in “A Gift For You”) on a gift tag?

GENTLE READER: Although she prefers to write “for,” Miss Manners is not one to quibble with good intentions and generous actions, especially those directed toward herself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)