Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A couple I know is expecting their first child. Their announcement stated "We're pregnant," and was followed up with regular updates using collective phrasing, such as "We've felt the baby kick" and "We're starting to show."

I know that this sort of inclusive approach to pregnancy is now popular, but frankly, I don't know how to phrase questions for the person who is actually carrying the child without slighting the co-parent.

They're both very excited and eliciting feedback and comments, but I feel a little silly commiserating with both of them on morning sickness and nausea, which I experienced when I was pregnant, when clearly only one person is enduring those conditions.

How would Miss Manners approach this?

GENTLE READER: With tolerance and an effort to keep from having a patronizing tone.

It is, after all, a good thing that the partner identifies so strongly with what the prospective mother is going through. And for all you know, her morning sickness may ruin breakfast for them both.

Oh, dear. Miss Manners' tone still needs work. But she does appreciate such sweetness in expectant couples. As for inquiring about them, it is useful that in the English language, "you" is both singular and plural.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it in bad taste to post photos online of loved ones lying in state?

GENTLE READER: Do you really mean "lying in state"? Was your loved one a high-ranking government official whose casket was on display in the United States Capitol or another government building?

If such was the case, you need not post it, because everyone will already have seen it on the news. Publicly displayed elsewhere, a deceased official would be "lying in repose," and one who was not a member of the government would be "lying in honor."

But Miss Manners suspects that you mean a more usual situation, where the casket is on view at a funeral home or place of worship. And she trusts that you mean a closed casket, and that you would limit access to the image to those who cared about that person.

Then you would have to ask yourself whether the deceased would have wanted that, and whether it would be upsetting or comforting to those who saw it. The safer choice would be not to post it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never been very good at remembering names. There is this sweet lady couple one block over, and they have always called me by my name at neighborhood events and in casual encounters. They are lovely, and I would like to make our acquaintance a step closer.

The problem is that they have been here for 20 years and I cannot remember their names. Twenty years of smiling, waving, greetings -- but I just do not know their names. Should I hire a private detective?

GENTLE READER: Only if you are not up to noticing which house they enter and looking it up in an app that allows you to enter an address. Or asking the mail carrier.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter has been dating a very nice young man for a couple of years, and it appears that a marriage proposal is forthcoming. If and when they decide to marry, we would be very happy for them.

But the hints that are being dropped leave me with one huge concern. I have always had a terrible relationship with my mother-in-law, who I find to be an overbearing, obnoxious bully. Of course, in her turn, I suspect she considers me cold, withdrawn and stubborn, and I am certain she does not understand that there is anything at all wrong with her own behavior.

Though my mother-in-law and I have very different personalities, and I cannot imagine that I would make the same mistakes that she does, I am sure that I have some traits of my own that could make me unintentionally annoying.

Would Miss Manners have thoughts on how to create a warm, comfortable, respectful relationship with a new member of the family?

GENTLE READER: "One can learn as much about parenting from a bad example as from a good one." So said a wise relative of Miss Manners.

And while it cannot guard against minor annoyances or major personality differences, your being aware of possible pitfalls most likely means that you and your potential son-in-law will get along fine.

Beware, however, of bombarding him with more than the occasional, "How am I doing? Are we OK?" lest you create an entirely new, and possibly worse, source of irritation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have often found that in workplaces, people make harsh criticisms about others -- whether they are working hard enough, what their motives are, or that they are making errors.

I talk to people, so I often know the background in these situations. So I gently say, "They are working really hard; the reason for doing it that way is that their profession requires it," etc. Or, "Everyone has a reason for what they do, so why don't you talk to them?"

I am a bit on the sensitive side, and the culture of negative talk brings me down. Standing up for other people often results in better working relationships between others, but at the same time, I also get the distinct feeling it does me no favors. Do you have any suggestions for how to handle this?

It happens in social situations too, and I don't appreciate people complaining to me, in public, about people I have had a completely different experience with. I dislike this both for the recipient's sake, and also because I would be horrified if people thought I agreed with such comments.

GENTLE READER: "That is not my experience, but if it is yours, then you should talk to them about it."

Of course, there are situations in which you will want to stand up for others, but Miss Manners recommends that you reserve your energies for only those -- and not waste them on people who choose to make snap judgments without sufficient context.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, my husband and I, along with his parents, his sister and her husband, decided to go to a lake resort for a week this summer. Each couple paid for their accommodations separately.

My husband's sister married into a very religious family with a strict "modesty" dress code for women. When we are with just her and her husband, I don't have to comply with it (they're more liberal). But if her in-laws are there, my in-laws ask that I do comply.

I have done so when we visit this family, when we attend events hosted by them, and when my own in-laws host events to which they are invited. The reasoning is that I need to do so because their children will be present, and I should set an example (even though everyone knows I'm not a part of this religion). I am fine with this; these are not my events, so I follow the rules or stay home.

However, several members of this family, who live near the resort, have now decided they would like to come, too. My MIL texted me, "Sorry! But you'll have to dress modestly!" And then my SIL followed up with a link to where I could buy a modest "bathing dress" with sleeves, a long skirt and "swimming leggings."

For the record, their dress code is quite strict. Women cannot wear pants, only skirts and dresses. Tops must cover shoulders and elbows. Necklines must be at the clavicle. Skirts must extend past the knee.

I was looking forward to this vacation. I don't want to buy a week's worth of modest clothing. I don't want to wear a bathing dress. I want to wear my chosen clothing. My planned wardrobe for this trip is far from risque (my own in-laws are going to be there, after all!). But my one-piece swimsuit, sundresses (even with a shawl) and jeans/shorts/hiking pants still violate all their requirements.

My husband says he'll "back me up," but he's not going to "start anything." So it's up to me.

Am I being rude for not abiding by modesty requirements on a trip that I'm paying for, and using my vacation days for? Should I give my MIL and SIL fair warning that I'm not going to comply (so that this family can decide accordingly if they want to come)? Is it best to ask forgiveness rather than permission and wear the clothing I'd planned? Or must I cancel and stay home?

GENTLE READER: Surely, this family must visit establishments where people do not abide by their dress requirements.

Miss Manners suggests a compromise: "I am afraid that I won't be able to purchase an entirely new wardrobe for this trip, but will do my best to comply with the dress standards when we are visiting their rooms or are invited out by them."

If the family insists that this is not sufficient, then they will have to make their own arrangements not to see you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)