Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My job involves answering a helpline to assist callers applying to a confusing government funding program. I pride myself on not only answering the questions posed, but ensuring applicants get all the assistance they need.

I am thanked often for my work, and I enjoy doing it, hopefully with warmth and occasional humor.

My concern is how to politely end conversations when the business is concluded, but the caller needlessly extends the closing niceties. After certain phrases have been spoken by both parties ("Call me again if you need me," for instance, or "Thank you and have a nice day"), instead of hanging up, the caller begins to reiterate their thanks, continues to wish me well, or even starts an unrelated conversation ("Have I told you that you remind me of my cousin?").

Sometimes I feel my only option is to be direct, but hopefully still kind ("I'm going to have to sign off now" or "I do need to take my next call"). Do you have any other suggestions for how to politely get the message across to those who seem reluctant to disconnect?

GENTLE READER: There is a misconception that being direct is always rude -- no doubt a reaction against the Truth-Telling Crowd who feel compelled to tell you what they think of your weight, your attitude and your sense of style.

But there is nothing wrong with saying, in your kindest tone, that you have to ring off because you have other applicants who need your help. If this still feels insufficient, Miss Manners makes no objection to prefacing it with an apology.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My first name is Eddie. I have a friend who constantly calls me Eddie Spaghetti. It bothers me to no end. I am not a wet noodle. Without offending him, how do I get him to knock it off?

GENTLE READER: Smile wanly and assure him you have never heard that one before.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please please PLEASE say something about the misuse of the word "literally" before it becomes accepted practice.

GENTLE READER: Too late.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a wedding ceremony in a church that could hold 250 people very comfortably, and the attendance was not that large.

A person about five pews in front of me turned and seemed to wave directly at me, but was actually beginning to communicate with somebody three rows behind me. I was stuck in the middle of their conversation.

If this happens again, should I try to move to my left or right if possible? What is the proper protocol in a situation such as this?

GENTLE READER: The proper protocol does not involve other guests conducting semaphore over your head during a wedding, but it also limits what you can do to make them behave.

Miss Manners offers three alternatives: Ignore them; discreetly move away; or ask aloud if they would like to sit together. The latter will bring everyone else down upon the three of you, so remember to use tone, phrasing and body language that you can later defend convincingly as a genuine desire to help.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you tell me what "cocktail attire" means? Can you wear a fancy pantsuit? Can a man wear a sport jacket and slacks?

GENTLE READER: Nobody can tell you what "cocktail attire" means. Miss Manners would be surprised if you could even find anybody who had ever attended the sort of event for which this was named.

The two-hour, stand-up drinking party of the past was dressy -- as dressy as one can get without violating the rule against wearing long dresses and dinner jackets, because those are evening clothes and these parties began in the late afternoon. Ladies wore their fanciest short dresses, sometimes with tiny, frivolous hats. Gentlemen wore dark suits and, of course, ties.

But Miss Manners doubts that this is what is meant in any invitations you may receive now. Rather, she supposes that the hosts are pleading for some small effort on the part of their guests.

Whether your specific suggestions qualify, she cannot say; standards vary in different locations and social circles, and you can always ask your hosts. But it is safe to say that your attire should be as far as your closet will take you from the pandemic uniform of sweatpants, elastic waistbands and those raggedy bunny slippers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter was supposed to get married in November of 2020, and had sent out "save the date" cards in advance. When it became apparent because of the pandemic that she wouldn't be getting married then, she sent cards asking people to save Aug. 15, 2021. But when April rolled around, she decided that the health situation was still too uncertain to get married in August, so she sent "wedding postponed" cards without any specific date.

At this point, she is planning on getting married in August of 2022.

Over this period, my daughter lost touch with a few of the friends to whom she had sent the initial "save the date" cards. They were friends from a job she left over three years ago. Can we not send invitations to those people with whom she has lost touch? Since they have not been in contact since before the pandemic, she no longer feels they are friends worthy of attending her wedding.

GENTLE READER: Worthy? Oh, please.

The rule is that anyone who has received a request to save a certain date must be invited to the wedding. But Miss Manners is wondering if there ought not be a statute of limitations. People who have received three directives over the course of two years are probably not on edge waiting for another.

Still, there is no such statute as yet, so invite them. Chances are they are no longer interested -- perhaps on the reciprocal grounds that your daughter is not worthy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you prefer "gift" or "present" when referring to those items exchanged between friends or family at Christmas?

GENTLE READER: "Present." Blame Nancy Mitford.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are in our mid-30s. My husband has a twin sister who is married with two children. We haven't seen them in some time due to the pandemic, but they called and asked us to come help them redo their bathroom this weekend. They said they were no longer worried about the pandemic, as we live in a very remote area and all self-quarantine.

They then gave us a list of gifts that their children would like for Christmas. When we asked about their plans for Christmas, and offered to either host or go to them, they said that they probably would not feel comfortable getting together due to the pandemic. They said we could drop off the gifts Christmas morning and wave.

Now we are feeling a bit used, as we are going to spend 8+ hours doing their bathroom in close contact. I want to keep the gifts here until they actually want to see us, but my husband thinks we should just send the gifts and get it over with. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That you and your husband should not feel comfortable renovating his sister's bathroom because of the pandemic. Or, for that matter, doing the shopping for people who do not care to see you socially.

No, wait. This is your husband's twin, and it's the Christmas season. Miss Manners should be a bit more charitable.

She suggests you wish them a merry Christmas and say you will postpone the present exchanges until they feel safe. Whether you will feel bound to use the gift list -- or fix the bathroom -- depends on just how charitable you can manage to feel.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have some former neighbors we became friends with before we both moved away. In the past, it was always nice catching up with them through their annual Christmas letter: hearing about their travels and finding out how their children were doing as adults.

A few years ago, they started putting in a paragraph about politics, which I find inappropriate. I'm sure it doesn't help that their political views are polar opposites from ours, but it never seemed to affect our relationship as neighbors. I just don't think a Christmas newsletter is the place to push a political agenda.

It has gotten to the point where we stopped sending them a card at Christmas, but theirs keep coming anyway. We did enjoy keeping in touch in the past, so is there a polite way to address the issue? Or is not sending them a card the best way?

GENTLE READER: What is the issue you want to address? That you find their Christmas letter offensive?

You don't have to read it, and sooner or later they will stop. Christmas letter-senders always keep a double checklist, and two or three unresponsive years should do it.

But perhaps you would like to keep the tie. In that case, Miss Manners suggests waiting a while and writing them a letter or an email that is not associated with a holiday, but simply provides your family's news and asks for an update on theirs.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)