DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think even you, Miss Manners, might blanch at this problem. My friend's husband is a refugee, and I imagine he is obligated to pick up his English wherever he can. He is kind and obliging and adores his wife, but nobody seems to have told him about "language." His conversation is riddled with four-letter adjectives.

He doesn't seem to realize, for example, that over tea with his wife and her guests, he simply mustn't say that he "went to get some *@$*ing lumber to build the window, but left his *@$*ing measurements at home, and was *@$*ing annoyed with himself."

His wife is used to it, or has given up trying to improve his English. I am both mildly amused and mildly offended, and have no idea what to do.

GENTLE READER: Any blanching Miss Manners might have done was diffused many years ago by an old family story. Bear with her while she guesses that your friend's husband's habit might be explained without prejudice to the speaker, potty-mouthed though he might be.

It seems that a cousin of Miss Manners' was fortunate enough, as a very young man, to be befriended by the great Italian conductor Arturo Toscanini and his wife. Then during World War II, the cousin, as an American soldier, was assigned to be a guard at an Italian prisoner of war camp, where the prisoners taught him to speak Italian.

On his return, he said nothing about his new skill, hoping to surprise the Toscaninis by conversing with them in Italian.

Well, he certainly surprised them. Apparently it took Mrs. Toscanini a while to recover to the point of being able to explain to him what he had actually said.

The point here is that one should be careful when selecting language teachers. Your friend's husband must have learned from people who are in the habit of lacing their talk with expletives, as many people are nowadays. He may think it is ordinary speech, or perhaps he believes it is amusing or daring.

And unless his wife thinks so, too, she is the one who should tell him that others may find it offensive. If you mention it to her, it should be in the style of Mrs. Toscanini -- complimenting him on his skill, while gently saying that he might not realize the effect on others of his choice of words.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When dinner at home consists of an entree and also a salad on a separate salad plate, sometimes I prefer to finish the main course and then eat the salad.

It is rude for me to place the salad plate more conveniently on top of the entree plate while I enjoy the salad? I don't do this when others are around, but I always wonder if it would be gauche.

GENTLE READER: The lovable thing about etiquette -- perhaps one of its few such attributes -- is that it doesn't spy on you when you are alone. But to make this habit presentable in front of others, you need only remove your dinner plate, replacing it with the salad plate instead of balancing one on top of the other.

Miss Manners hopes that you will be happy to hear that in the traditional formal meal, salad is a separate course, served after the main course. Just the way you like it -- but without stacking the plates.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine from school loves to post pictures of her 15-year-old daughter doing cheerleading poses. I get it, she's very proud of her daughter -- there's nothing wrong with that.

But I've noticed she likes to post pictures of her teenage daughter doing jumps in the air with her legs wide open, practically over her head -- zoomed in, front and center. These aren't faraway shots from the bleachers, but extremely up-close.

The problem is, you can clearly see her daughter's crotch up-close and personal in each of these pics. And she's always wearing her cheerleading outfit.

I'm not a prude at all, but find this to be very inappropriate. Why does she think this is OK? She has over 500 friends on social media, both male and female, and her account is public. Should I just ignore this, or bring it to her attention?

GENTLE READER: How about bringing it to the attention of the daughter? Or at least emphasizing that your friend should be asking for her consent to post these pictures? "Is your daughter really all right with you getting so many ... ahem ... close-up shots of her?"

Miss Manners realizes that this may well spark friction in the family -- or worse, it may not -- but at least all parties will have been warned of what exactly is on display. And if the social media platform takes them down for lewdness, they will know why.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My great-aunt passed away earlier this year. I am the executor of her estate.

I have started to receive communications from people who knew her and who had given her Christmas and birthday gifts over the years, asking to have these things returned to them.

I'm at a bit of a loss here. I've never heard of such a thing! When I give a gift to someone, it's theirs to do with as they wish. I have no further claim to it.

I have had to explain that the estate has gone through probate, all bequests have been honored and their name was not included in the will. Some become very insistent that I contact whoever has the item in question and ask them to "return" it. I decline.

I think this is incredibly tacky. Am I wrong? Is there a better way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: What a lovely way to express condolences: "Sorry you're dead. Now gimme back my stuff."

Of course you are in the right. And since this is a legal matter of possession, Miss Manners finds it perfectly within your rights to say so. Or to pass the unpleasant task off to the estate attorney.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister has five kids. Four are lovely: They each have their own quirks, but have always been polite and helpful.

Her fifth child is a terror. He is now a teenager and he has severe food restriction issues, for which my sister refuses to get him consistent help.

My sister and I each host three family events per year, and we have lots of food restrictions in the group (pescatarian, no sugar, gluten free). I am always able to do something creative that hits all the restrictions, or I do easy side accommodations (e.g., gluten-free bread for some of the bruschetta).

Accommodating the teenager's restrictions is difficult. There can be no vegetables or herbs. Chicken fingers, pizza and plain meat are the only options. I make entirely separate meals that meet his limits for events, but I am still met with rudeness and anger.

We recently had this 15-year-old demand specific brands of hot dogs, buns and mustard. That meant I had to juggle two different hot dog orders, buns and condiments on a grill in 90-degree weather -- none of which were materially different (beef hot dogs, white buns, yellow mustard).

I was screamed at because the chips my sister brought were not put in the right place on the buffet: The teenager had to pass by a plate of vegetables to reach the chips, which caused a fit. Clearly this is an illness, but he also never says thank you, never offers to help, and is aggressively rude.

I feel the need to have a stern talk with the kid next time he is rude with me. I wasn't born with a saddle on my back, and this kid wasn't born with spurs to ride me. Is it OK to give a 15-year-old the straight feedback that he is being rude?

GENTLE READER: Since you are aware it is an illness, you might approach your sister before attempting a more radical approach: "I don't seem to be able to please Damian, but I don't want to risk angering him further by pointing that out. What methods have been successful for you?"

If she comes up empty and you want to try being more direct, Miss Manners suggests you take the boy aside and kindly say, "This may work in your house, but it will not in mine. I'm afraid that when you are here, as long as we are meeting your medical restrictions, you will eat what we offer in whatever manner it is laid out. A vegetable never scared a donkey away from riding it."

Perhaps Miss Manners had better leave the folksy proverbs to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a party is being held in someone's backyard, unvaccinated people could just show up. What does one do when uninvited guests show up at a party?

GENTLE READER: "I am so sorry, but for the safety of everyone, we are limiting our gathering to a certain number of people. We would love to see you another time."

This, Miss Manners assumes, is in the case of uninvited neighbors or friends brought by your guests. If they are strangers, then you have her permission to call upon higher authorities.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)