DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a reasonably empathetic person. I'm not a sob sister, but I do feel true sympathy for other people's misfortunes. But I have reached my limit.

If someone tells me that a family member has died, and I respond with an "I'm sorry," the rejoinder is often, "Not your fault." If a friend mentions her recently broken bone, her divorce, her speeding ticket or broken fingernail, I obviously say that I am sorry. Again, the response is, "Not your fault."

I agree that I was not the cause of any of the aforementioned disasters; I was not indicating my guilt. I am certainly old enough to say "You have my sympathy," but I am not formal enough to pull it off. "I see" seems heartless. "Imagine!" seems cruel. "That is so sad" sounds sarcastic.

In this age of online trolls, rudeness passing as humor, and constant hate speech by politicos, what does one say to show empathy with a friend's or acquaintance's tale of woe, discomfort or loss? I need an appropriate response or I'm going to start saying "huh."

GENTLE READER: Not your fault -- that the objects of your sympathy don't understand the simplest conventional expression, and the need for them to reply graciously.

Miss Manners would suggest "I'm sorry to hear that," but those literal-minded folks might respond, "Then I guess I shouldn't have told you." How about "I'm sorry for your loss"? But the response might be that the person "didn't get lost, just died."

Oh, well. Just keep remembering that other people's deflecting sympathy is not your fault.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For a 2 p.m. wedding (party lasting until midnight), the bridesmaids will be wearing burgundy dresses, and the groomsmen will be in blue military uniforms (except the best man, in a tux). The fathers are to wear black tuxes and the mothers of the bride and groom were told to wear long black dresses.

Are the mothers no longer allowed to pick their own dress colors? Is it OK to wear full-length formal dress at 2 p.m.? Is black appropriate for a wedding?

Just trying to understand if this is the new way clothing is handled for a wedding party. I never would have dreamed of telling the mothers what to wear, but this has become a big deal.

GENTLE READER: What has become commonplace is the theatricalization of the wedding. Rather than thinking of it as a tradition that participants follow, it is framed as a show with particular roles to be performed. So costumes are dictated as part of the overall "look."

It's too bad that the director of this show wants to make it an occasion for flouting all the normal little social conventions, such as the ones against wearing evening clothes during the day and wearing black dresses at a wedding -- and most of all, against bossing around the mothers, as if they can't be trusted to dress themselves.

Whether you want to obey these dictates depends, Miss Manners supposes, on whether your life will be easier if you placate the dictator.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been cleaning houses for many years, and I have become close with one of my clients. I have been working for her since 2003. She has been very good to me over the years and has been a great inspiration, although she can come across as a little uppity.

This year for Christmas she bought me a sweater. When I opened it, my first thought was, "What was she thinking? It looks like it would fit someone three times my size."

Unfortunately, she asked me how I liked the sweater, and I didn't really know what to say. So I told the truth: I thought it was way too big for me.

She said it was supposed to be big, and, laughing, she said it was what they call "hobo chic." I said it was really ridiculously big for me. She seemed to be upset at that, and told me that maybe I could just donate it to someone.

She told me where she bought it, and it was at a very upscale shop. I know that it was probably pretty expensive. I want to know if it would be rude of me to go to that shop and see if they would exchange it for something else. They know her very well because she shops there all the time, and they will have a record of the sale.

GENTLE READER: The shop will not report back to your client, as you will be the one getting the refund. Anyway, it is too late to shield her from knowing you didn't want the sweater, because you told her yourself.

Yes, you told the truth, but you needn't have told the whole truth. It is also apparently true that you appreciate her, which was the appropriate truth to be spoken.

What you should take back now, in addition to the sweater, is the impression of ingratitude toward the donor. Miss Manners suggests first saying how much you value the lady's generosity, and then admitting that while you admire her fashion sense, you cannot hope to keep up with it. If that is kindly said, the two of you will be able to laugh together, and then you can go out and buy whatever you like with the refund.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a number of friends and acquaintances who I've met through various volunteer organizations and on social media. I'm very fond of many of them, but I don't know where they live.

I'd like to send them cards, letters and postcards, but I don't know their mailing addresses. Is it weird to ask on social media or in an email for their addresses?

GENTLE READER: Yes. You are surely aware, and they should be, too, of how information is plucked from the internet for commercial and criminal use.

Miss Manners does not dispute that you mean well. Your in-person friends may tell you their addresses if you ask, and those volunteer organizations may give out rosters.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several months back, I reconnected with an old friend from my hometown whom I had not seen in many years. We both expressed a desire to see each other again the next time I returned to visit family.

Fortunately, COVID travel restrictions have eased, and I was recently able to visit my sister's home. Shortly after I settled in, my sister posted a photo on social media happily announcing my arrival. She tagged me in the photo (a practice I find presumptuous and annoying) and my old friend commented on the picture, wishing me a nice stay.

While I had intended to contact my friend personally, telling him I had arrived and that I was still interested in meeting up, I now felt that since he clearly knew I was in town, he would have extended an invitation or reiterated his desire to get together.

He has not done so, and I am fine with that, as I understand he may be busy or is limiting his social contacts during the pandemic. My sister, however, thinks I should reach out and invite him out for lunch. I am in a quandary as I don't want to appear pushy.

Was it appropriate of me to not pursue a meet-up after my friend's "Have a nice visit" comment? In the future, when I am visiting from out of town, what is considered proper etiquette for arranging a get-together?

GENTLE READER: It is generally the responsibility of the visitor to inform the locals of their arrival. This should be done by calling friends personally, not by public posts, which are social media's equivalent of saying "nyah, nyah" -- showing unsuspecting friends the events to which they have not been invited.

No doubt, your friend is waiting for your call. And, Miss Manners fears, his comment was disguising hurt feelings or even betraying sarcasm, since you did not reach out as promised but are obviously in town.

He has no way of knowing that your sister posted without your consent, so in his eyes, you were the one doing the "nyah, nyah" and did not want to see him. Please stop this passive cycle and call him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been married for over 30 years now. However, my mother-in-law thanks my husband, and not me, when receiving gifts (even in person).

I have not brought this up with my husband, but feel unappreciated, since we are equal wage-earners and jointly decide on family gifts. How should one deal with this situation?

GENTLE READER: Bring it up with your husband: "Your mother does not seem to think that I had anything to do with picking out that silk robe we got her for Christmas. Do you mind mentioning that we both decided on it -- or at least giving me shared credit for the next present? Unless you would prefer to undertake the task of picking out gifts for her on your own from now on."

Miss Manners suggests that you say that last bit sweetly and as a genuine request. She assures you that the threat part will be implicit.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)