Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should I respond when thanked by a third party for helping another person? I am happy to say "You're welcome" when someone thanks me on their own behalf, but I feel terribly awkward when it is a third party, particularly when I don't feel my efforts are at all above and beyond.

While the issue isn't a critical one, I would like to come up with a better response than trying to change the subject, which has been my response so far.

GENTLE READER: "I enjoyed being able to do that." Or, if you want to be wicked, "I'm sure you would have done the same."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My now-husband and I were set to have our wedding (planned and hosted by us, in our town of residence) and reception (planned and hosted by my father, in my faraway hometown) in May of 2020. As you might expect, we canceled.

We notified our wedding guests of the event's cancellation -- not its postponement. I was not involved in the planning of the reception, so I don't know the state of the invitations and guest list, and I don't know what my parents told those guests. We had asked them to cancel the event and told them we were not making any future plans yet.

We later wed in September with a few friends, and sent out wedding announcements to our original wedding guests. We sent my father a packet of wedding announcements to distribute as he saw fit to reception guests.

When we visited my side of the family recently, a few extended family members gave us gifts and expressed hope that there would be a reception to attend in the not-too-distant future. As we were far removed from the planning of the reception, we felt uncertain as to how to respond. I think I said something like, "Oh, thank you -- well, hopefully!"

Do we have more responsibility to the original reception guests, besides sending thank-you notes for gifts given? What should we say about the sentiment they expressed regarding future events?

GENTLE READER: Technically, your father was the host and was therefore responsible for the cancellation notices. But think of parties given in your honor as blank checks against your good name -- if anyone remembers what those are. (By which Miss Manners refers to blank checks, not good names.)

You will not be able to disavow responsibility for what the host does in your name, and you therefore want to keep an eye on him. It would do no good, and some harm, when your extended family members ask about the reception, to turn to your father and say, "Dad!! Didn't you tell people it was canceled!?"

The correct answer is, "Thank you. We have been thinking about it, but so much time has now passed." The next step is to find out what your father's guests were told, while hoping that your instructions were followed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my son (now a young adult) was a young teenager, he met a very prominent musician. He was quite kind to my son, and inadvertently helped set his path to being a professional musician. My son wrote to him shortly after the meeting, thanking him for his time and kind words.

The musician has now died, and I want to send a condolence note to his widow -- who had helped arrange the long-ago meeting -- to express my sadness at his death and to thank her for the consideration they both gave to a young person to whom they owed nothing and from whom they could gain nothing. What they did was charming, gracious and generous, and we have not forgotten it in all these years.

I'm wondering about the appropriateness of using black-bordered stationery for the note. I have read that the border denotes the writer's, not the recipient's, mourning. Is it appropriate to use it in this instance, since I am sorry that the musician has died?

Obviously, I am not a primary mourner, since I was not a family member or close friend, but I want to be respectful. I am not sure if black-bordered stationery is over the top in this case.

GENTLE READER: When mourning customs were observed, there were specific rules about which ones applied to which mourners, and for how long. There were elaborate codes depending on the relationship to the deceased: One would mourn years for a spouse, but mere months for a distant relative -- or forever, in the case of Queen Victoria mourning Prince Albert. These codes applied not only to clothes, but to jewelry, handkerchiefs, wreaths on the door, and straw deadening the noise from the streets.

The system got so complicated that people simply dropped it. In Miss Manners' opinion, it should just have been simplified, because those symbols served as useful warnings about the state of the bereaved -- presumably preventing busybodies from telling them that they had grieved long enough and must start dating or having more children.

She doubts that the survivors here are using black-bordered paper, and would be surprised if you could even find any. But you need not try. Using it would be the written equivalent of showing up at the funeral covered in black veils.

What would be of comfort to the widow is a heartfelt letter testifying to her late husband's kindness and expressing your last appreciation. Surely your son will also write such a letter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When seated at a restaurant at which one's cutlery is wrapped in the napkin (linen or otherwise), does one unwrap the cutlery upon being seated, upon ordering or when the food is served?

I unwrap when seated, in order to place the napkin on my lap, but others have stated that is incorrect.

GENTLE READER: Who are these "others" who sit around concocting ridiculous etiquette rules, unsupported by either practicality or common sense?

Of course you put your napkin on your lap after being seated, even though it requires you to set your own flatware. There is no point in waiting until you have something to mop up.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have two sons in their 30s who were taught at a young age to say "thank you," and were encouraged to write thank-you notes to the senders of gifts they received. We modeled gratitude in our behavior, as well.

Fast-forward to the past few years. They have both moved many states away, so gift-giving is remote and we are rarely present when gifts are received. Sadly for us, we get no acknowledgment or any form of a thank-you.

In every other way, they are loving, caring people. Whenever we receive a gift or card from them, we promptly thank them, whether verbally or in writing.

We're really at a loss for what to do. We give gifts with an open hand and have no expectations that they will like the gifts, or even keep them. I honestly don't feel we're giving just to get recognition. Saying something to them about this issue might be misconstrued as us asking for a thank-you, rather than a request to look at the broader issue of being grateful for others' thoughtfulness.

The real issue is that it pains us to think that they are equally ungrateful to others; I would like to encourage them to be grateful in all ways to all people.

Do you have a suggestion for broaching this subject in a loving and nonjudgmental way?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Feedback.

Miss Manners would prefer to frame this issue in terms of gratitude and empathy, but that tends to make people's eyes roll or glaze. Yet they understand feedback, and feel that it would be rude to ignore the self-advertisements of people they have never even met. A photograph of someone's lunch prompts more politeness than -- well, actual presents from people they profess to love.

So please tell your sons that you expect feedback, and that they might remember what form you expect that to take. Hint: not emojis.

You are not helping by claiming to be nonjudgmental and not caring on your own behalf. It is a just judgment to declare that generosity and gratitude are a paired couple, and one must inspire the other, even in regard to parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We always write thank-you notes for gifts, lovely evenings at someone's home, and so forth. When someone comes to our home and brings flowers or a bottle of wine, we don't write a note since that gift is, in a way, a thank-you to us for hosting.

But as that gift gets larger, does it cross the line into thank-you note territory?

We hosted my sister and brother-in-law for a weekend, and they sent an enormous basket of goodies afterwards. It was impressively large, and will last us quite some time. Even though it was itself a thank-you for the weekend, do we send them a thank-you note for the basket?

GENTLE READER: Yes. That qualifies as a present, no matter what the motivation for its being sent. To avoid this becoming an endless exchange, Miss Manners advises you to thank them with words alone -- unaccompanied by a gift of your own.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)