DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our elderly mother just passed away. My siblings and I live far from the town where we grew up, which my mother refused to leave. Between our frequent visits home, we had to rely on cousins to help with our mother. One family had her over to dinner weekly.

How do we thank them now that she has passed? She left a considerable estate, and we thought maybe to thank them monetarily, but that may give offense as we know their assistance was given out of love. A charitable donation in their name seems not to the point. As for a personal gift, we do not know enough about their individual tastes to buy something meaningful.

How can we express our deep gratitude and not give offense?

GENTLE READER: By expressing it. By writing an effusive letter -- on paper -- saying how grateful you are, and how much you know your mother appreciated their great kindness.

Miss Manners is surprised that the last thing people seem to think of in expressing gratitude is to offer warm written evidence. Surely a testimonial to their great kindness will be more valued than any trinket.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just before the onset of the pandemic, my wife and I realized a longtime dream and bought a vacation/retirement home in a popular community. We bought it as a warm-weather refuge from northern winters, and also as a fun gathering place for family and friends when we are down there.

Due to pandemic limitations and work commitments, we haven't spent much time there, and wish we could go more often. Now, with vaccinations and boosters, we are comfortable flying, and try to go there every couple of months for a week or two.

We've started to get unsolicited requests to use our place "since you're not there" from different individuals -- not family or close friends. While we have had family visit us there, and are having friends come down during our next trip, we didn't buy the house to rent or loan it out when we are not there. The thought of having a bunch of people there without us kind of grosses me out; I never wanted to be a B&B owner.

I have three questions. 1. Are my wife and I being rude or unkind by refusing to let people use our place in our absence? 2. How are they so comfortable asking an acquaintance for free lodging? I can't imagine doing so.

3. How do we politely turn down these requests and not come across as unkind or unwelcoming?

GENTLE READER: 1. Of course not. 2. But you have nervy friends. 3. "Sorry. The house is closed when we're not there."

Miss Manners can provide a fourth answer if there are follow-up questions: "Because that's the way we like it."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son will be graduating high school and I'm thinking about how to celebrate. When his sister graduated years ago, we had a nice party at our home: Her friends, past teachers, church families, neighbors and everyone in between stopped by to wish her well.

Little bro doesn't have many friends, and hasn't found any teachers he connects with. We no longer go to church, and have moved 45 miles from our previous hometown. I worry a party just wouldn't go well for him. He says he doesn't want any acknowledgment, but this is a huge milestone, so I want to do SOMETHING.

He suggested a trip, which I have agreed to. But I had an additional idea, and want your advice on it. I thought about sending out graduation announcements with a little card for the recipient to send back. On the card, I would have them finish the sentence, "If I could go back and give my 18-year-old self one piece of advice, it would be ..." or something along those lines. I think it would be neat to hear what advice my older family members have to offer.

My thought is that this would be a way for extended family and old friends to recognize his accomplishment, and maybe also for him to receive some monetary gifts to use on the trip.

What are kids doing these days instead of graduation parties?

GENTLE READER: In order to extract money from relatives and their parents' friends?

Miss Manners was with you until you mentioned that. How nice to celebrate your son's graduation, and in a way that is tailored to him. A family trip sounds like a lovely idea. The idea of soliciting advice for him was undoubtedly well meant, although that might not be on a teenage boy's wish list. And the people you ask might resent being given homework.

It may be a good thing that the pandemic partially halted those grown-up parties for graduates. Guests tend to interpret them as -- well, what you also suggest: gift-grabs. Graduation announcements are also interpreted as such in these crass times, although surely all that is necessary for a recipient to do is to offer congratulations.

Send the announcements if you like, but please only to people you have reason to believe would be pleased to be notified. Excitement about the high school graduations of acquaintances' children tends to be somewhat limited.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I spent a year in England as a transfer college student. I met a nice guy and I'm planning to move there to be with him.

The only thing is, he has requested more than once that I start using their lingo instead of the typical American phrasing. Like saying "loo" instead of "bathroom" or "lift" instead of "elevator." That kind of thing.

He said some English people he knows have an unfavorable view of Americans and it makes me stick out in a negative way. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That it would be helpful to know what the English gentleman thinks before committing yourself to him. Is it pride in his nationality? Or shame at yours?

Miss Manners would consider it reasonable of him to expect you to use the language of the country you are visiting. But if he is embarrassed at your being an American, and is choosing to cater to the prejudices of others, you should reconsider.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I started my current position, I shared an office with a co-worker who was constantly asking me personal questions. One in particular really chafed me.

We were required to put our out-of-office time on the office calendar, and I had noted an upcoming doctor's appointment accordingly. She asked me, "What is your doctor's appointment for?" This was within days of starting my new job. I did not know this woman well at all.

I was taken aback. The appointment was of a personal nature and I didn't want to share it with her. In my former workplace, medical matters were never discussed unless brought up by the afflicted.

Being put on the spot and not having a good alternative answer, I told her the nature of the appointment. I suppose I could have lied, but I wasn't thinking quick enough. I felt strongly (still do!) that it was not any of her business, but I didn't want to offend my new officemate so early in my new gig.

She later asked another co-worker a similar question, in my presence, and was quite offended when they told her it was none of her business. Do you have a suggestion for how to respond to such an inquiry in the future?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps this co-worker will learn from your officemate's response, who was conveniently rude in your stead.

If she has not, and still insists on asking you the purpose of your doctor's visits, Miss Manners permits you to answer, with some surprise, "To see the doctor, of course."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 6-year-old daughter received an invitation to an indoor/outdoor birthday party at a friend's home. The invite says "masks at your discretion," and more than 25 people have been invited with no mention of the vaccination status of guests.

Regionally, our COVID positivity rate exceeds 25%. It's incomprehensible to host a masks-optional party under these circumstances.

The invitation came via evite, and I want to be delicate about our choice not to attend so as to avoid offending other parents. I also don't want to lie to the host. Part of the reason we find ourselves in this ongoing pandemic is due to individuals not considering the collective.

Do I RSVP with a note explaining why we won't be coming? Or just say "thanks, sorry we will miss it"?

GENTLE READER: If they have not gotten the health message from the rest of the world, it is unlikely that they will receive it (kindly) from you. Miss Manners suggests that you simply say that you are busy -- without adding "... not getting COVID from you" to the end of the sentence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I was eating lunch with my father today, my stomach began making some very loud noises. We began to discuss other instances in which our stomachs have rumbled or when we have gotten the hiccups in public settings (e.g. a funeral home, a classroom, etc.).

When these scenarios happen in a formal setting, what is the proper etiquette for addressing it?

GENTLE READER: "Excuse me."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)