Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've understood from reading your work that asking for to-go boxes at restaurants is apparently considered rude. Could you please explain why? I've heard this from other sources as well, but it doesn't make any sense to me, nor align with my own experience.

I care very much about the issue of food waste, and try to let as little of my own go to waste as possible. I also paid for the food and don't like to waste money, either.

Moreover, portion sizes at American restaurants are notoriously huge, and I get the impression that the waitstaff doesn't expect you to finish them. They will actually offer to give me boxes for the remainder when they see me slowing down. I rarely have to ask.

On the rare occasions when I don't finish my meal and have to refuse the to-go box -- for example, if I'm traveling and don't have access to a refrigerator -- I always get the impression that the waitstaff are a little offended. I feel the need to explain that the food was delicious, but that I'm not equipped to store the leftovers.

I once overheard two restaurant employees complaining to each other about customers who don't take their leftovers home, and how sad it is that this delicious food has to go to waste. (That they were having this conversation within earshot of the customers is another story, but I couldn't help but notice that they seemed to care about food waste just as much as I do.)

So, can you enlighten me as to why some consider this behavior rude? I know the term "doggie bag" has weird connotations, possibly because people don't like to think of a dog eating the nice restaurant food, but I do not own a "doggie" and almost never hear this term anymore. Is there a deeper reason that doesn't have to do with dogs? Please help me understand.

GENTLE READER: You should begin by reading more carefully. Miss Manners has no objection whatever to asking to take home food one has bought.

What is objectionable is doing this when one is a guest. The tendency to confuse that commercial transaction with social conditions has unfortunately led to the rude practice of asking hosts for leftovers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About 10 years ago, my mother-in-law passed away. We had a wonderful relationship, and on her deathbed, she gifted me with her wedding band. I told her that I would "cherish it forever."

Fast-forward 10 years, and her son and I are going through a divorce. Am I obligated to return the ring to him or his sister?

GENTLE READER: Legally? No. She gave it; you got it; it's yours.

Morally, Miss Manners is inclined to say yes. This was not an ordinary present. Your former mother-in-law thought it would remain in the family, and unless you can pass it on to one of her grandchildren, it should be returned.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I am a woman over 60 with graying hair, people constantly ask if I have grandchildren. I don't, nor do I have children.

I realize these people are just trying to make conversation, but when I answer in the negative, the conversation stops dead and makes for an awkward silence.

I've tried changing the subject or talking about my pets, but the uncomfortableness usually remains and prevents further discourse. How else can I answer this question?

GENTLE READER: Are you under the impression that people who ask that question are eager to talk about your presumed grandchildren?

Not likely. As you say, they hope to start a conversation. Miss Manners assures you that they will happily embark on one if your reply is, "No, do you?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received a wedding invitation with an RSVP card directing us to a website with info on gifts. When we went to the site to research what gifts were desired, the only gift listed was cash. There were also boxes to check off in $50 increments.

I thought this was tacky. Am I a dinosaur that should be fossilized?

We never even receive acknowledgments or thank-yous for gifts given to these relatives. Thank you for educating me on the new etiquette.

GENTLE READER: What do you mean, "the new etiquette"? You know perfectly well that it will never be proper for solvent people to beg.

Miss Manners would think that their not even expressing gratitude is another reason to direct your charitable funds to the needy, rather than the greedy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it still proper to address a 2-year-old boy as Little Master So-and-so?

GENTLE READER: No, we have retired that custom. Miss Manners need hardly explain why.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I acquired, I don't remember how, a spoon with teeth at the front. I don't see how it could be useful as anything but a grapefruit spoon, but it is twice as wide as any grapefruit spoon I have ever seen, and it is spade-shaped.

I have found no use for it except spading the window-boxes containing my wife's herbs.

Is this a very poorly designed grapefruit spoon, or can Miss Manners tell me that it was properly made for some other purpose?

GENTLE READER: What you have is a runcible spoon, lucky you. It is used to eat mince and slices of quince.

Or so Edward Lear tells us, in his immortal poem "The Owl and the Pussy-Cat." And he ought to know, because he made up the word. He also acknowledged that a duck might use it to spear spotted frogs.

You, however, are entitled to use yours as a spade. Miss Manners also suggests that it serves well as a terrapin fork or a dessert fork for something with both gooey and dry elements.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend has a dreadful habit of always mentioning, as an aside, how wealthy -- or strapped -- someone is when their name comes up in conversation. Some of these people I know, some I do not.

I wish I had addressed this habit when she was still merely an acquaintance, but it's only now that we often speak on the phone that it is glaringly obvious to me.

I would really like a good response other than my silence or changing the subject, which has had no effect. Perhaps something gentler than my inclination to blurt, "You know, that's rude."

GENTLE READER: "How fortunate you are to have friends so close that they even share their financial information. I am shy about such things and would never talk about it to anyone except my accountant."

If you are feeling bold, Miss Manners will allow adding, "... for fear of its being passed along."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a social event, and a dance teacher I have taken a few classes with was also attending as a guest. She came over to say hi to the woman sitting next to me, and gave her a big hug.

As the teacher turned away from her friend, her head and body were pointed towards me, less than 4 feet away. I said, "Hi, Delia." She looked through me and walked away. I know for a fact that the teacher knows my name and face.

I believe this is called a cut. I have done it to someone myself, once in my life.

Now, I know why Delia is mad at me: A couple of years ago, I spoke out of turn in her class, uttering a single, ordinary word that was interpreted (probably correctly) as critical of her teaching. When I returned to her class on a later date, she allowed me to attend (after telling me off) and encouraged me to participate, so I thought we were OK.

Apparently not. So, what is the correct response? Should I refrain from saying hi in the future? Keep saying hi to see what happens? Avoid her classes? (I think I will have to, as that was just too awful.) Also, I should not discuss this with anyone who knows her, right?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps she missed it, but Miss Manners sees no mention of an actual apology anywhere in the above exchange. She suspects that Delia similarly missed it. If you do not think she is a good teacher, then do not attend her classes. But if you choose to, you must be respectful.

To repair the current situation, you might say, "I thought we had resolved the unpleasantness from before, but I do not think I ever properly apologized. I am sorry that I was disrespectful in your class and I hope that you can forgive me."

And then please refrain from any more single, ordinary and/or offensive words in the future, unless your plan is to be cut again -- socially or permanently from the class.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)