DEAR MISS MANNERS: My new husband and I are celebrating our marriage with a small reception for close friends. For affordability at a very nice (and very expensive) venue, we agreed to limit the guest list to local friends we both know.

One of my local friends, who received an invitation, presumed that one of my long-distance friends had also received one. She suggested to that faraway friend that she and her girlfriend stay with her when they travel into town for the reception. My husband and I did not invite this friend -- he doesn't know her, neither of us know her girlfriend and they both live an airplane ride away.

My faraway friend wrote to me to ask if the reception was still happening, and queried about the details so she could make plans. After talking it over with my husband, we sent her a formal invitation, addressed to her alone. Her RSVP card arrived back with confirmation that she and her girlfriend would both be attending.

Now I am resentful and annoyed: at myself for not clarifying our invitation parameters to my friends (although, why should I have to?), at my local friend for her inappropriate and costly presumption, and at my long-distance friend for imposing herself and her girlfriend on us.

What would have been the right response? Is there any way to let the presumptive friend know that she committed this costly faux pas? I fear I have lost some desire to be as friendly with her after this.

GENTLE READER: It is true that everyone in this food chain -- a term Miss Manners appropriates to mean the people you are feeding, not to imply they are the main course -- misbehaved.

You cannot tell them that, but you may be more guarded in your future invitations. Or -- working on the assumption that your erring friends' motivation was to express their warm feelings for you by being present, not to score a free meal -- you could aspire to something more than mere politeness yourself: namely, graciousness. Inviting the faraway friend, rather than embarrass her or your local friend, was gracious. Excluding the girlfriend from that invitation was not.

Miss Manners recognizes that there is a cost, but she wonders why, in the initial planning, the choice of venue was more important than the guest list.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Fairly frequently, I am uncertain about whether or not to send a thank-you email in a professional or impersonal situation. Example: I asked the doctor's office for a referral; the doctor's office replied with a message saying a referral had been sent.

Do I send a thank-you to the doctor's office? If the exchange occurred on the phone, I would say "thank you." But is a thank-you email more irritating or excessive than polite?

GENTLE READER: The thanks rendered in a professional setting is the payment for services rendered -- in which Miss Manners would include the doctor's referrals, even if they are not yet separately billed. This does not make a spoken or emailed thanks unwelcome, merely less formal.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A close friend has been living with his girlfriend for a few years, and they have a 1-year-old child. After multiple comments that he was "amazed" he hadn't paid a penny for his child, I finally realized they're receiving welfare. He makes a six-figure salary, so they do not qualify.

After much deliberation, I gently informed him of that, explaining that I feared they could risk serious consequences. He said he was grateful for the advice, but said, "It's over anyway." I recently learned they are still taking welfare, and now get childcare vouchers.

I feel bad for being judgmental, but I'm really unsure whether I can continue the friendship. I also feel that, out of friendship, I should not report them. My friend often talks to me about his estate planning and plans to buy a house.

I feel very strongly that this welfare fraud is unacceptable. I don't want to ghost my longtime friend or raise the issue again. He knows it's illegal and made a choice. I haven't returned their calls because I don't know how to handle it.

GENTLE READER: There is a growing trend of ostracizing people for relatively minor transgressions, but Miss Manners does not think that fraud and theft -- even from the government -- are minor transgressions.

She will leave you and your conscience to decide whether to report them. Continuing not to return calls is a perfectly reasonable way to show your unwillingness to condone their unlawful behavior.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Periodically, while walking in my town, I encounter funeral corteges on their way from a church to the cemetery. My parents ingrained in me to stop and stand with reverence as the hearse and the rest of the cortege passes by -- meaning, I stand facing the street. I see other people do this as well, some of whom cross themselves as it passes.

Occasionally I am with friends who are astonished at my behavior -- I am asked if I knew the person, if they were someone of note, etc. To me, it's a respectful acknowledgment of someone's passing and (having been in funeral corteges myself) a minor source of comfort to the mourners. What is your take on this?

GENTLE READER: That it is a lovely and considerate custom that Miss Manners is afraid you will have to keep explaining to hasty friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are sending a baby gift to our boss, and four ladies out of five are contributing. One does not want to. Should we put everyone's names on the card, or only those who participated?

GENTLE READER: If you are hoping to enlist Miss Manners' sympathy against the lone dissenter, you will be disappointed.

While she does not know that person's motive, she has a strong objection to dunning co-workers to contribute to gifts -- doubly so when the recipient is the boss. The practice is all the more objectionable if you are thinking that some future advantage will accrue to those listed on the card. Nevertheless, you cannot give a present on behalf of a nonconsenting party any more than you could cash her paycheck.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were out to dinner with my husband's college roommate and others. At the table, he loudly remarked to my husband, "Looks like you're really losing your hair!"

Everyone at the table was shocked by his insensitive and inappropriate comment. No one knew how to respond. He can be obnoxious and self-centered, and puts others down to elevate himself.

Please advise: What should have been the comeback reply, even if it's not funny?

GENTLE READER: "Yes -- and you, your manners."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother's 90th birthday is falling near her granddaughter's wedding. She insists that she does not want a party, but rather would like "someone" to acknowledge her 90th birthday at the wedding instead.

My siblings and I are baffled on how to handle this request. Personally, I think it is rather tacky for her to take anything away from my niece's wedding day, but she is insisting.

The wedding will be held at a country club with about 125 people. There will be a DJ, so would it be appropriate to have him make the announcement and play a short "Happy Birthday" song?

GENTLE READER: How exactly does this take anything away from your niece? Is it that for three minutes she will not be the center of attention?

Miss Manners does not generally condone making suggestions of how others can honor oneself. But in this case, the lady seems to be asking to forgo a milestone party in favor of a short recognition when the family is gathered anyway.

If the bride cannot tolerate yielding the spotlight, even for a few minutes, to her own 90-year-old grandmother, perhaps someone should warn the bridegroom.

Rather than shoving it off on the hired DJ, it would be graceful for a member of the family to do this when toasts are made at the reception.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would love to host gatherings in my home a lot more than I do -- if only I could guarantee that guests would leave by a certain time. I have had guests very much overstay their welcome, even if I've communicated an end time beforehand.

Besides subtly asking guests to leave ("So, what are you up to the rest of the day?") and setting overt deadlines ("Dinner at our place from 18:00 to 22:00"), what are the tips and tricks you have to accomplish this?

GENTLE READER: The trick is to pretend that such guests have performed their part of the ceremony of leaving, and go right into your response as a host.

Had they said, "Thank you so much for a delightful evening," and stood up, you would know what to say and do.

Well, say and do it anyway. Stand up, say, "It was delightful to have you," fetch their wraps, and move toward the door.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)