Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When people get together and make a toast, everyone wants to clink glasses. Is that necessary? Is it OK to just raise our glasses instead of physically touching everyone's drink?

I would be very grateful if your reply could convince my friends that feelings of goodwill would still be genuine if we didn't stretch across a table to make sure every single glass connected with all the others.

GENTLE READER: It is the feelings, not the threat to the glassware, that is important, Miss Manners agrees.

If you hold your glass in front of you, look a distant neighbor in the eye, and raise your glass, that may be enough to prevent a stampede. If anyone wants to discuss the matter further, ask how the host or hostess is going to feel if you switch to a more expensive custom -- that of breaking the glasses after the toast.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the president of a small social club. At a party, a member was approached by two individuals expressing interest in possibly joining, giving our club member their contact information.

I was delighted when our club member informed me about these two interested individuals. I was also happy to hear that they might show up at our monthly meeting to be held at my home. (This is common practice in the club, without necessarily asking for the host's permission. We only ask that the host be informed in advance, as I was.)

After thanking our club member for helping to find prospective members, I asked for their contact information. He responded by saying that he did not feel comfortable sharing their contact information without permission.

As the president of the club and the host of the upcoming meeting, was I out of line to ask for this, even though these individuals had only given their contact information to another club member (not me)? All I wanted to do was to personally greet them and formally invite them to my home for the meeting.

GENTLE READER: The sponsoring member seems to Miss Manners to be too easily made uncomfortable, as it is difficult to assail the logic that you can neither invite, nor admit, someone you cannot reach.

Rather than convince them of this, explain that you would never forgive yourself for the rudeness of not issuing a personal invitation to a guest and prospective member, and that therefore they should get their guest's permission to share the information. If this fails, it is time for a rule change, which, as president, should be easy for you to accomplish. The new rule is that hosts are to be informed of the names and contact information of meeting attendees.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a recently retired public school teacher who has gone back into education as a substitute teacher. I need to know how to properly sign email correspondence. Do I sign "Hope Fairfield, Teacher, Retired"? Or "Hope Fairfield, Substitute Teacher, Retired Teacher"?

GENTLE READER: Substitute teachers have enough trouble asserting their legitimacy in classrooms. Why exacerbate the issue? You are Hope Fairfield, Teacher. Unless, of course, you want to preface it with "part-time" in order not to invite more employment. If that is the case, Miss Manners certainly will not spoil it for you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I email a non-urgent, work-related question to my manager, how many business days are generally appropriate before I should expect to receive a response?

GENTLE READER: As many as your manager feels are needed.

Miss Manners says this in all earnestness -- but not because she recognizes that employees are seldom in a position to discipline their bosses for misbehavior.

Your work activities are done at the behest of your manager: Your work is their work. One assumes that the delivery of that work will, at some point, be delayed if no answer is forthcoming, but the decision to allow such a delay is the manager's.

This is not, it should be understood, an invitation to watch deadlines expire without further action on your part. One of the joys of being an employee is that you will occasionally have to nag your boss.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of 55 years has invited me to stay with him and his wife for the weekend. At the last minute, he said, "You can't come before 5 p.m. on Friday, and you have to leave by noon on Sunday. I don't care where you go during the day, but you can't stay here. Typically people bring what they want for breakfast, then we can pick at what's in the fridge for lunch -- but we normally don't eat lunch -- then you are on your own for supper." The next thing that came out of his mouth was, "Just get here and we'll take care of everything else."

I'm confused. I would have normally brought a gift and offered to pay for a night out and dinner. What is proper when visiting a lifelong friend?

GENTLE READER: Such an extraordinary invitation requires a follow-up, as Miss Manners can only conclude that the normal obligations of hospitality have become a burden to the host.

Offering to reschedule or stay at a hotel, if possible, may unearth what has changed. It will at least assure your host that you do not mean to be a burden, and it may remind him not to make you feel like one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help me handle someone at work who always talks over people. Whenever he is in a conversation and someone tries to respond, he will just keep talking like the other person isn't even present. Usually, the other person will stop to let him continue rambling on.

It's grated on my nerves for a long time. On one occasion, I tried to get my statement across by continuing to talk and raising my voice -- and he STILL continued on.

I've gotten to the point where I just don't say anything to him, and let the conversation become a monologue. I've decided he just likes hearing himself speak. How would you handle this aside from saying, "Would you shut up so I can speak?!"

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners frequently reminds readers that it is rude to correct another's manners, there are exceptions.

The behavior you describe will interfere with the efficient functioning of the company -- if it has not already. It is therefore up to someone in a position of authority to take the offender aside, as they would with an employee who constantly missed deadlines or tied up the copier with nonwork activities.

This becomes trickier when the offender is the boss, which is why companies hire human resource directors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the last decade, my friend and I have relished our lunches together. I would meet her near her work after I retired, and when she retired, we met every couple of months at a favorite nearby restaurant (walking distance from her home).

She moved out of state a year ago, returning for doctor's appointments and for our lunches, which have expanded to a few hours over the years. She is always dropped off by her husband. My husband and I would love to meet both of them for lunch, but she says she wants me to herself.

The last time we met for lunch, she was late and texted me about traffic holdups, etc., eventually arriving about 20 minutes after our reservation time. As usual, we were ecstatic to see each other. I had water, bread and menus all ready for us. When the waiter approached to take our orders, she announced that she'd already eaten.

My jaw dropped and I repeated what she just said as an astonished question. She told the waiter she'd like the dessert menu. I felt like I'd just been slapped.

The fallout is that I am having a hard time getting over her lack of consideration and that she doesn't think she did anything wrong. To her, she just had a dessert instead of a sandwich, but I think it was super rude to have had lunch with her husband when our lunch had been scheduled months prior.

GENTLE READER: But that was your old pal. Miss Manners cannot imagine why the following dialogue did not take place.

You: What? You've already had lunch? We had a lunch date!

She: I know, and this is embarrassing. But Orville was hungry, and I was just going to keep him company for a few minutes while he ate, but then it looked so good that I broke down and ordered the same thing.

You: So you're just going to sit here while I eat?

She: Sure; you go ahead. The point is not the food, but spending time with you. Anyway, I'll have my dessert while you eat your sandwich.

You: But suppose then I want dessert?

She: You mean, will I then have to order a sandwich? But enough about the food. Tell me what you've been doing and how the family is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited a neighbor to dinner recently. She stated that she had a busy evening already, but would stop by and pick up the dinner I offered.

I packed up dinner in a takeout container and handed it off. But I wondered: Since when does a dinner invitation mean a takeout opportunity?

GENTLE READER: Since never, and Miss Manners is astonished that you accepted not only the request but the insult. Your neighbor has made it clear that while she likes your food, she has no interest in your company.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you find it in poor taste to keep reading materials in bathrooms that guests use?

GENTLE READER: Why is Miss Manners certain that you are not asking about leaving a copy of The Economist in there, but perhaps something relating to the function of the room?

If the reading material itself is in poor taste, then so is leaving it there.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)