DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend who does not believe in tipping. At all. Ever. No tip for drivers, hairdressers, hotel staff, waitstaff, etc.
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She believes people should insist on a fair wage from their employer, and says it is not her job to supplement their paycheck. This is an honorable idea, and one that I wish were feasible.
However, it is not reality. Because of this, I always ask for separate checks at restaurants and tip a bit extra to compensate.
My dilemma is that she wants to treat me to dinner at a favorite restaurant for a milestone birthday. I know she will not tip. Should I have some cash and sneak some money onto the table? Should I say something about being uncomfortable with her tipping stance? It will be hard to decline the invitation.
GENTLE READER: Here is an instance when it is wrong to practice what you preach.
Miss Manners also deplores the tipping system, for many reasons, but she still leaves tips. As you say: reality. Not doing so would not influence a change in policy, but merely penalize the underpaid staff.
But your birthday dinner is no time to attempt to retrain your hostess. Nor to show her up.
What you might do is to put some money in an envelope, keeping it in your purse until the end of the meal, when you have lavishly thanked your friend. Then you can add to the server, "And thank you for making it so pleasant" and hand it over.
Should your friend challenge you, you can say, "Birthday privilege! You gave me pleasure, and I want to spread it to others."