Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t know if this is a question as much as my not knowing how to feel or what to do but here goes: 

I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel motivated to date or meet people or do anything right now. On TV, I’m watching the fires in Los Angeles and hearing from friends of mine who’ve had to evacuate and won’t know if they have a place to live when they get back or how they’ll pay for anything if they have to replace it. I live in a medium-sized city that’s a blue-ish dot in a big red state and my LGBTQIA2S+ are fleeing for safer places to live. It’s hard to feel like there’s a point to anything when it seems like the worst people are in charge and all the good people are getting ground under the boot. Jobs are hard to find and the ones that exist are all app gig crap that pay nothing and offer no security or benefits, nobody can afford medical care or find a place to live that’s even halfway affordable.

To make matters worse, I’m actually doing well. I just got a promotion at work that came with a nice raise that means I may actually pay off my college loans a lot sooner than I thought, my side hustle seems to be on the verge of taking off and I’m in the best shape of my life. 2025 honestly looks like it’s going to be one of my best years ever. But if I stop and think about it for a minute, I feel bad because I feel good? It feels like I’m doing something wrong when my life is OK, even doing well, while everyone else is suffering. 

I feel guilty about my good luck, like it comes from other people having to be miserable and I don’t know what to do with this. Now I feel like there’s no point to trying to meet someone because the world’s ending but also like I’m in a better position to meet my future spouse but it’s wrong for me to be happy at the expense for everyone else so my being happy makes me a bad person. 

I don’t know what to do here. And before you ask, yes, I’m in therapy. 

What do I do?

Best of Times, Worst of Times

DEAR BEST OF TIMES, WORST OF TIMES: You’re not the only person who feels this way, BTWT. In fact, there’re a lot of folks �– not just chuds and Nazi-wannabes that think they’re in ascendence, but everyday normal people – who feel conflicted because… well, life’s a little better for them than they expected. Not that they don’t face the same challenges everyone is experiencing, but in general their life is doing ok despite it all. And that’s an important distinction: despite it, not because of it. The cognitive dissonance of it all means that they’re honestly unsure how to feel and many of them are feeling guilty because they’re not suffering.

And honestly, this isn’t exactly surprising. People often discover, even in the depths of grief and mourning, that they feel… ok. In fact, there’re days where they feel surprisingly good, even while they’re grieving the loss of someone they loved. It’s incredibly common and incredibly human; we simply don’t have the capacity to be miserable forever. But we often feel weird when this happens, like it means that our grief isn’t real enough or that our not being sad means that we don’t care as much as we should. In reality, it’s simply a matter of how humans are almost infinitely adaptable to circumstance.

Life stubbornly insists on continuing, regardless of what else is going on. I’m reminded of a quote from Leverage creator John Rogers: “Yet another evening I close my eyes, pinch the bridge of my nose, take two short sharp breaths and remind myself millions of people led satisfying, meaningful lives during the fall of the Roman Empire.” It may not be comfortable, it may not be the life we hoped for but life, as it always does, finds a way.

I have a personal theory that a lot of this ties back to the fundamentally Calvinist beliefs that the US was founded on; the idea that suffering is inherently noble, and joy is an indulgent luxury when it’s not an actual sin and turning away from or trying to mitigate misery is somehow weakness and a betrayal. In fact, as I write this, I’ve been seeing a member of The Lincoln Project excoriating progressives who’ve chosen to ignore Trump’s inauguration as cowards and that “bearing witness to history” is a requirement because… reasons. It’s not exactly clear.

Neither, for that matter, how this sort of performative self-flagellation is supposed to help or make a meaningful difference to the people who are going to be harmed by the policies the incoming administration has been pushing. At best, it feels like a way of dismissing feelings of responsibility to do something by making “I feel bad about it” equivalent to political organizing or volunteering to help the people who are currently under threat. And this ultimately does nothing to help anyone. It’s misery for misery’s sake. 

There’re two things that I think will be important for you and folks who feel the way you do.

The first is simple: the cure for feeling helpless and despair is action. Despair holds you in place. It leaves you paralyzed, unable to move or take decisive action because what’s the point? It’s all over before it began and any attempt to do anything about it has all the efficacy of spitting into a hurricane or yelling at the tides to stop. Action is the antithesis of despair; it is staring despair directly in the face and spitting in its eye. It may be an act of futile defiance but it’s still an act. It says that everything may be hopeless, and the best you can do is hold back the dark for a little bit longer… but sometimes holding back the dark just a little longer is precisely what makes a difference. Sometimes it really is a matter of resisting the siege until the dawn – not when forces come riding over the hill to our rescue, but simply holding back the tide until we all regroup and push the dark back again.

It may feel like a Sisyphean task, but sometimes the act of rolling that rock up the hill is more important than debating whether you’ll ever reach the top. Even if you know the result is failure, there’s value in staring those forces down, bruised, bloody and broken and declaring “I can do this all day”.

If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do.

This is also part of the cure for the guilt you’re feeling. Think of this as the Tao of Peter Parker: with great power comes great responsibility. If life is going well for you and you’re in a better position than you expected, then one of the best things you can do is use your fortune to help others who are less fortunate. Rather than lamenting your success and feeling like it comes at the expense of others, reach out and put some of that largess into pulling others out of the depths. You know how Mr. Rogers famously said “look for the helpers?” He was talking about people like you: you’re the helper and your time is now.

There’s always a way to help and to take action, in ways both large and small, directly and indirectly. Make a recurring monthly donation to the aid agencies on the ground who are helping the people who are being hurt. Pick a cause and volunteer your time and resources. There are almost certainly organizations in your area helping immigrants under threat of deportation, LGBTQ people who need support or aid, reproductive health care, feeding and sheltering the homeless, taking care of the pets that’ve been abandoned or separated from their owners by the LA wildfires.

You can also find political organizations and causes too. We tend to get so hyper focused on state and national political races that we forget just how important city, county and municipal races can be. Join your local schoolboard and resist the forces demanding censorship and terrorizing queer, trans and gender non-conforming children. Volunteer at your local library and help keep those invaluable resources up and running. Hell, coaching Little League or kids’ sports teams and being a mentor to kids – especially ones who are under threat – can mean the world.

You can help individuals as well; if you have contacts in the states where your queer and trans friends are going who can help them find jobs or housing, give them a heads up and share that information with your friends. If you’ve got cash to spare, helping them defray the inevitable costs and emergencies can be a godsend. Even if all you manage is to help one person, you’ve made a much bigger difference. There’s a reason why the Talmud states “whomever saves one life, saves the world entire”.

And the act of helping, where you can and how you can, helps others find the strength to help as well. It’s like the sage said: “There’s some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.”

But the other thing you have to realize is that joy isn’t a luxury, it’s part of what gives us the strength to keep going. There is always a need for the things that lift our spirits, that bring even a moment of relief or eases our burdens for a short period of time. Finding those little nuggets of joy give us things to live for and reminds us that there is light, even in the worst days. Even at the height of the Nazis’ power, people found community and happiness, celebrated together, danced and sang and reminded themselves that there was still good in the world. Even under the worst oppression of the Khmer Rogue, the Stasi or any force you care to think of, there were still songs, there was still music, there were still stories and love.

These may be very small things, but the biggest things are made of small ones. Even a blade of grass in the wasteland can give hope; a flower in the rubble reminds us that life finds a way and goes on. Every person who find the strength to keep going is helping to keep the darkness from engulfing everything.

Similarly, harming yourself or making yourself feel miserable for misery’s sake doesn’t benefit anyone; it only saps your strength and resolve and makes it that much harder to get back up when you’ve been knocked down.

If reading about people’s misery on social media becomes too much, you can take a break. You can give yourself permission to stop doomscrolling or to not pay constant attention to the news; perpetually sandpapering your soul only serves to leave you exhausted and weak. You are allowed – some would say required – to not waste your strength and well-being on pointless misery, especially performative misery.

We’re entering an incredibly turbulent period of history, and it’s impossible to know how it’s going to shake out. We know it’s going to be rough and it’s going to be roughest on the most vulnerable among us. That makes that that much more important to not give into despair, to reach out with aid and shelter and to not just find joy but to share it so that others can find strength and solace in it as well.

When we’re facing the darkest night, that’s the time for us to remember that hope shines bright.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 20F, almost 21, a junior in college and I’ve been working my first job as a barista for about three months. Before I started this job, I didn’t think I was bad looking, not a 10 but at least a 6. But all my other young and youngish female coworkers get hit on and flirted with constantly by male customers, and I have literally not had this happen once. It’s not because I’m shy or unfriendly — A, I’m not, and B, shy pretty girls still get this. And it’s not that I can’t tell when a guy is flirting, because I see when it happens to them. The only other female employee under 50 who does not experience this is both overweight and unattractive, while I’m a good weight with a good figure, I just don’t have the best face or hair. Even the overweight girls with pretty faces get flirted with, not as much as thin pretty girls but not never, like me. It’s making me feel so ugly and depressed that I hate going to work, even though the environment is pleasant, the work itself is not too hard, and the pay and benefits are good.

The worst is when my coworkers complain about all the guys who want them and how much they hate it. They don’t seem like they feel scared or traumatized or anything, just competing to see who can humblebrag the hardest. I feel like a dirt-poor person listening to a bunch of rich people complain about how annoying it is to have more money than they know what to do with all day. 

I have never dated or even had a guy seem interested in me, which before this I figured would happen eventually. But now I’m worried that I’m completely undesirable, or that guys care so much more about faces than bodies that I will need cosmetic surgery to ever attract anyone. For the sake of my mental health, I want to try to find a job that does not involve interaction with the general public. But those kinds of part-time office jobs are harder to find, typically more hours, less flexible around my class schedule and don’t pay as much. And I really need the money — especially if I’m going to be saving for surgery. What advice would you give me?

Beauty Pageant Drop Out

DEAR BEAUTY PAGAENT DROP OUT: OK, I’m going to preface this by saying that I’m not inherently against cosmetic surgery. As a general rule, I think of bodies like cars or homes; if you want to make it truly fit you and make it uniquely yours, go for it. This is why I despise “these changes affect the resale value of your home”; if I buy a house, I’m buying it for me. I’m going to be the person there. I’m not buying it to hold onto it for the next person. So paint the walls, throw on some aftermarket mods, correct structural issues, do what you like to make it truly fit you. I would only suggest that you a) understand the risks that are inherent to all surgeries, b) make sure that you’re going to someone who can do the job properly and c) recognize that the results you get now may look different as time goes by and age and gravity work their will.

(A lot of procedures that get done don’t necessarily take the way that skin tone and elasticity change, the way fat redistributes, muscle changes etc. into account.)

But most importantly: you want to make sure that you’re doing them for the right reasons. I don’t mean “it’s ok to get cosmetic surgery to straighten your teeth, correct for a birth defect, or traumatic injury but nothing else”, I mean “cosmetic surgery is often an attempt at an external solution for an internal problem”. A lot of incels, for example, have spent new luxury car levels of money on cosmetic surgery, only to discover that while their faces changed, their circumstances hadn’t; they were still the same people they were before they went to the doctor, and they still have the same problems. The problems were never about their brow-to-jaw ratio or their lack of “hunters’ eyes” or whatever, it was about how they feel about themselves.

All of that is a long-winded preface to my saying that in your case, BPDO, I don’t think cosmetic surgery is the answer, because I don’t think that’s the problem… in as much that there is a problem.

Now, I’m not there, so I can’t tell you what the difference is between you and your co-workers. Nor, for that matter, am I a mind-reader, so I can’t tell you what’s going on in these guys’ heads that’s determining who they flirt with and who they don’t. What I can tell you, though, is that it’s really easy to get locked into a narrative that makes sense to us, even if it’s not necessarily true. Each and every one of us is prone to confirmation bias– a cognitive bias that causes us to give greater credence and importance to things that align with what we already believe and to dismiss, ignore or simply not notice the things that contradict those beliefs. And this is true, even when those beliefs hurt us.

And part of the hell of it is that it’s a self-sustaining cycle. Our beliefs and attitudes shape the world as we see it and as we interact with it, for good or for ill. If we believe something to be true, we behave accordingly, and it becomes the filter through which we see the world. If we believe that, say, someone’s a bad person, we tend to see everything they do through that lens. Did they say “good morning” to us? They were snickering at us behind that smile. Did they just charge into a burning building and rescue two children and a basket of abandoned puppies? Probably did it to throw off suspicion and make people think they’re good.

The same is true with how we feel about ourselves. If we believe we’re ugly, then we’re going to find ample evidence that we are. Not because it’s actually there, but because it’s what we expect to see, and we’ll adjust our interpretations of it accordingly. Look in the mirror and we zoom in on all the things we think are flaws – any asymmetries in our facial features, any blemishes in our skin, folds and curves and lines that say “no, this person is not an Adonis or Venus carved from marble”. If someone acts one way to a co-worker and a different way to us, we’ll assume it’s because we’re ugly and our co-worker isn’t. Even if the person is perfectly kind and friendly or even flirty, there’s a natural tendency to either disbelieve it, discount it, assume that it’s a trick or a joke or that we’re just mistaken.

(And that’s before we take into account that people are bad at knowing when folks are flirting with them. Not men, not women, not non-binary folks, not pretty folks, not ugly folks, people. We’re great at telling when other people are flirting and being flirted with, but not when it’s directed at us.)

Here’s the thing tough: the fact that we feel that way is legitimate. Those feelings are real, we’re definitely feeling them. But the fact that the feelings we feel are real doesn’t mean that we’re correct about what’s going on or why. And that’s something that’s important to keep in mind, because, as I said, our brains are very prone to creating narratives that make sense to us but don’t necessarily reflect reality.

In your situation, there’re a lot of things that could be going on. One possibility is simply taste and aesthetics; what’s appealing to one person isn’t necessarily going to be appealing to everyone. Nobody – no celebrity, no influencer, no model, nobody – is going to appeal to 100% of the people, 100% of the time. What makes one person morph into a howling cartoon wolf can leave another person cold, and they’re both correct.

Some people love the All-American-Girl-Next-Door look. Others go hard for the alt-rocker or goth aesthetic. Still others like the “I have no pores, always perfectly contoured and shiny” Instagram beauty influencer look. That doesn’t mean that the other looks aren’t appealing or inherently ugly, it just means that some people prefer one look over another. People not hitting on you doesn’t mean that you’re ugly, it just means that you may not be their particular flavor, any more than you find every guy who comes through your door to be your favorite salty goodness. That doesn’t mean that all those dudes are like the love child of Quasimodo and the Toxic Avenger; it just means that they don’t rev your engine the way other folks do.

So, it could just be that where you work, more people are into one aesthetic over another. That’s not a flaw in you, that’s just circumstance.

Some of it could be behavior. Not that you aren’t being friendly or giving good customer service, but you may not be giving off a flirty vibe or inviting people to flirt. You may well be giving off a perfectly friendly vibe but still give the sense that you’re at work and you’re here to do your job, period. This can be especially true as time has gone on and you’ve been feeling like the odd woman out; the feeling of “nobody likes me” can bleed into your behavior and body language and discourage people from wanting to get flirty with you.

There’s also the fact that there are a lot of people who are just flirty. They’re not flirting with intent so much as flirting because that’s what they do. They flirt with folks, especially folks who will flirt back, because it’s fun and they enjoy it… but they don’t mean anything more than that. In fact, it’s even possible that the people who are most likely to be into you are the people who are the least likely to flirt – whether from shyness, from disbelief that their interest would be welcome or because they don’t want to flirt with someone who’s on the job because that’s often rude. Hell, they may even believe that you’re someone who gets hit on regularly and so they don’t want to be Yet Another Asshole hitting on you while you’re trying to just get through your day.

This, incidentally, is also part of why your co-workers are complaining. Something doesn’t need to be scary or traumatic to be inconvenient, annoying or upsetting. Someone who behaves as though you’re a thing to be consumed instead of a person may not be scary, but it sure as hell can get on your nerves, especially when it happens a lot. As I’m telling guys all the time: not all attention is wanted or welcome attention, even if you’re starving for it. Would you feel validated and attractive if, say, Grima Wormtongue were hitting on you? Or if someone you knew to be an unmitigated asshole wouldn’t stop trying to flirt with you every time he saw you? Or would you be annoyed by it?

Now, we’ve been talking about the why of it all, but let’s take a moment to talk about the what – specifically, what you should do about this? Ultimately, I think the best course is going to be what would be best for your overall well-being. You like this job, the pay and the benefits, but not how it makes you feel. That’s legitimate. The question then, is, would it be better in the short or medium term to adjust to the job and work on how you feel, or to find a job that – while not as ideal – doesn’t sandpaper your self-esteem?

I’m of two minds on this. On the one hand, I think it might – and I stress might– not be a bad idea to see if you can adjust how you feel – about yourself, about your job and about your co-workers – before looking for another gig. It may be worth your time to do some self-exploration about what you would want to be different and why. Are you more interested in being flirted with and being seen as similarly attractive as your co-workers for the validation? In hopes of finding someone to date? Would you feel better if you could change your expectations, or if you had different areas of your life that would provide the feeling that you’re not getting here? Perhaps having a stronger divide between who you are at work and who you are at other times might help, especially if you find your people elsewhere.

You mention that you feel like you have issues with your face and hair; are there things you could do differently with your style and presentation? Would working on finding a skin, makeup and hair routine help make a difference? If your workplace has some flexibility in its dress code, could you lean more into an aesthetic that feels true and authentic to who you are as a person?  

On the other hand, sometimes if you want to heal, you’ve gotta stop hurting first. Having a job where you don’t feel like you’re getting things rubbed in your face might free up the emotional bandwidth to work on how you feel about yourself, even if it’s not as lucrative or as convenient for a college student. It would mean sacrificing that flexibility and pay, but not feeling like you’re being punched in the soul every time you clock in for your shift is no small thing.

Alternately, have you looked into other jobs that might offer similar flexibility but are less front-of-house, or different hours and responsibilities? Working in a bakery – to pull a random example – might mean getting up at o-f--k-hundred and a lot of physical labor, but if you’re doing more baking and kitchen prep than sales, you might feel better about yourself and life in general. Plus: so many delicious, delicious carbs.

In my personal opinion, I think starting from a position on working how you feel about yourself would be the better decision. But that’s strictly my opinion; it’s yours that matters. You are the top expert in you, in how you feel and what would be best for you. If you feel like getting away from this environment be better for you, that’s absolutely what you should do. But it doesn’t need to be a binary decision, nor does it need to be a permanent one. You could, for example, sign up with a temp agency and do a string of short-term gigs, until you either decide you’re ready to go back to being a barista or you find a better option. You might even see if you can do both – cut back on your hours at the coffee shop while doing other gigs or even finding some side-hustle that works.

What I wouldn’t suggest is cosmetic surgery; not yet, and not until you’ve put a lot more thought and research into it. I don’t think it’ll give you the results you hope for or in the way that you hope, and I think that’d be a bigger drawback than anything else. Start with looking at internal and less intense or invasive options. Because if I’m being honest? I think this is far more about how you’re feeling about yourself than it is about some quality you lack or some defect in you. And if you can deal with that, I think you’ll find the rest will fall into place and you’ll be much happier and satisfied overall.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DOCTOR’S NOTE: Today, we’re going to do things a little differently. Since both of today’s letters have similar questions and cover similar complaints, rather than repeat the reply or spread it across different columns, I’ve decided to address both letters at the same time.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a single gay male in my mid-40s. I realize that you may not be able to directly identify, but I seem to be at my wit’s end. 

I think I’m a fairly interesting, intelligent, and attractive person. My friends all say I’d be a great catch. The only catch is, I can’t seem to figure out how people meet any more. I’ve been on all the dating apps over the years – years ago it seemed there were more eligible people on those apps (before spamming, phishing, and bots took over), and I had some marginal success. But those days seem to be over. Just when I feel I’ve reached a peak personally, professionally, and sexually, the pond seems to have dried up completely. 

We all hear a lot about “silver foxes,” “dad bods,” and the like, but when it comes to actually trying to find someone, it rarely if ever happens. I don’t feel ancient, and I don’t think I look it. But I do have salt and pepper hair. I have a full figure – I’m tall, so I’m height/weight proportionate. Fellow LGBT friends have told me my problem is that I’m attracted to younger men; if only I’d open myself up to men my own age and older, I’d be all set. I get that, but I am simply not attracted to people significantly older than myself (say, more than 5 years). Trust me, I’ve tried. The spark just isn’t there. 

I’m fairly convinced at this point that my only real options are to make a significant expenditure on an LGBT-themed trip (cruise, etc.) or to hire a professional matchmaker! I know I’m a great person, and I know I could truly love someone and be loved by them for a very long time. I just haven’t met him yet, and yet is beginning to gain on me! I would welcome and appreciate any advice at all that you can give me. 

Again, I realize that you may not be able to directly identify, but surely there are some general dating commonalities and suggestions you could proffer. Thank you very much.

Foxy Father Figure

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am finding myself struggling with dating in our ever-increasing digital world. I am 22 and am not super “online” as it be (I’m barely on Bluesky and that is my most used social media) and am struggling to find other single young people out in the world. It’s difficult to connect with peers when I really only have a public LinkedIn when you search my name. 

I live in a moderately sized city and the Big City in my area is only 30mins away and I travel there often. I find I’m not meeting a lot of 20-somethings at bars or at events who are single. I really prefer emotional intimacy before sex, and I can’t seem find other young progressives who will take it low and slow with me. 

I’m a Bi man and so the dating pool should be very open. I have good friends, but I really miss having a romantic partner. I haven’t (seriously) dated anyone since high school which was before the pandemic, and I just feel so lost! 

Please Help!

Sincerely,

Troubled in My Near Twenties

DEAR FOXY FATHER FIGURE AND TROUBLED IN MY NEAR TWENTIES: Alright, F3 meet TMNT. TMNT, meet F3. Since you’re both asking the same question and have as much overlap as you both do in your circumstances, I’m going to reply to both of you at the same time. 

The bottom line is that you’re dealing with a couple specific issues – some endemic to dating in general, some that comes from… well, from dating and wanting relationships with men.

The first issue is simply the apps. F3, you’re not wrong when you say that it seems like years ago, the apps were more viable; they absolutely were. I know I’m something of a broken record on this topic, but the fact of the matter is that dating apps have gone the way of many online services and fallen to the forces of the Rot Economy (h/t to Ed Zitron) and the curse of Shareholder Supremacy; put simply, dating apps across the board have gone from a service people appreciated to “what can we do to extract the most money from the market while not reinvesting the money in making the service enjoyable or useful to our target market?” While I know people like to talk about how the apps are actively hindering people’s attempts to find dates or relationships – since (most) happily partnered people no longer have a need for them – that’s not actually true. It’s more accurate to say that the apps have become deliberately more frustrating, in order to get you to the point of being willing to pay to be less frustrated. Dating apps these days are, quite simply, Candy Crush; they draw you in and then slowly turn off the spigot so that you’ll pay money to get the results you were expecting.

This is why, for example, many of the apps will require that you subscribe at particular tiers for ‘conveniences’ that one would think would come standard – like being able to see who liked you or to sort your matches into some sort of order. Some go so far as to only offer search fields or profile options to specific subscription tiers; if you want to search for people interested in polyamory or other types of relationships, better shell out for the LoveX tier sub! Similarly, putting people behind what’s colloquially called “rose jail” encourages people to pay for the privilege of messaging “more desirable” matches – tacitly admitting that they’re withholding the people you might be a better match with.

The second issue is… well, you’re both looking for relationships with men. The thing about when it comes to dating men, whether they’re gay, bi or straight, is that a lot more guys out in the dating market are looking for someone for a good time, not a long time. This means that many – possibly even the majority, depending on the demographic – are looking for hook-ups or casual encounters, rather than long-term partners… which gets frustrating if you’re one of the people who’s looking to settle down or who needs more time to develop a connection before you become sexually attracted to someone. A lot of your target demo may simply not be interested in waiting to build that sense of intimacy and connection; not when they’re looking for Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right.  

(There’s also a lot of guys on the apps who want to date young and expect extreme-to-unrealistic body standards, just as with men who date and sleep with women, which is its own issue. Which also ties into the issue you’re having, F3; years ago, you were much younger, too)

The third issue is age. You, TMNT, in particular are dealing with trying to date people who tend to be at a stage in life where they’re not necessarily interested in settling down or having a committed relationship.

One of the quirks about how men – including queer men – are socialized is that they tend to be more linear in their development; that is, they tend to see life as a linear progression. The outlook tends to be “First I have to develop myself professionally, then I develop myself personally”, and much of their focus is put on getting their career track set up, rather than focusing on dating. As a result, they tend to be more interested in something that’s low-commitment and with even lower-expectations. It’s not that much of a surprise that a lot of 20-something men tend to be more interested in casual encounters; leaving aside issues of toxic masculine ideals that emphasize quantity (number of sexual partners) over quality, the appeal of those casual encounters is how little they (theoretically) demand of them. Not having to put in the time and effort of maintaining a committed, long-term relationship means that they have more time to put towards their professional goals and the social connections that they are prioritizing.

Then, as many women in their 30s can tell you, those same men will decide that they’ve reached the point in their professional development that they’re ready to start looking for something more serious and then they suddenly show up ready to date… often reaching back out to people they shrugged off before.

You, on the other hand, F3, are interested in people who are, for lack of a less awkward term, more in demand. Western culture and American culture in particular put a lot of emphasis on the desirability of youth, and young hot guys tend to be in high demand but short supply… and again, many of them aren’t going to be that interested in the longer-term, more serious relationship you seem to be looking for.

This is why, in both of your cases, the ultimate answer is to deprioritize the apps; the apps are frustrating in and of themselves and they’re catering to an audience where the people you’re most compatible with are going to be needles in weirdly aggro haystacks.

Instead, both of you need to start looking beyond the apps and start dating like our ancestors did: going where your people are and making connections. And in both of your cases, you’re going to want to focus less on meat markets and more on social settings, where the emphasis is more on connecting with people and building relationships. Bars and clubs may be good places to meet and flirt with lots of people in quick succession, but they’re often not great places to try to find someone you want to settle down with. It’s not impossible by any stretch – many life-long relationships start off as one-night stands that don’t end or casual hook-ups that quickly become less casual – but the odds are lower. Not zero… but lower.

You, in particular, TMNT, aren’t going to be well served by trying to meet people in bars, whether gay or straight. If your looking for someone who’s willing to go low-and-slow and let the simmer build to a boil, you’re going to do much better meeting people and building a connection over time.

Now, in both of your cases, you want to play to your strengths. Both of you have an advantage that a lot of straight men don’t; if you’re in a decent sized urban area (especially if it’s a more queer-friendly and accepting city), you’re much more likely to find social organizations that are specifically designed to introduce LGBTQ people to one another. There are a lot of gay amateur sports leagues, gay activity groups, book clubs and so on. These tend to be focused more on making friends and socializing, rather than hooking up or dating, which makes it more your speed, TMNT. In both of your cases, one of the benefits here is that by playing the long(er) game, you’re better able to gauge chemistry and compatibility, while your uniqueness makes you more attractive and interesting over time. These also have the benefit of being activities that tend to be exciting or enjoyable, which trigger the Misattribution of Arousal – people are more likely to ascribe the thrill of competition or the cozy pleasure of the book club to the company rather than the activity – while also hitting the Reward Theory of Attraction.

Individually, you have areas that might let you roll with advantage as well. F3, you mention that you’re fuller figured. While you may not be a bear yourself, you may find that you have more afficionados if you go looking for potential partners among the queer community who’re into bigger guys, especially if you’re correspondingly hirsute. You’re also more likely to find guys who might like older men, or who are closer in age to you, while not being so young that there’s next to no common ground or shared cultural touchstones.

TMNT, on the other hand, may want to lean into the progressive politics of it all. After all, with Trump in the White House, there’s going to be a need for activism and advocacy. Finding a cause to volunteer your time and energy towards is going to put you in contact with a lot of like-minded individuals – many of whom are going to be in similar stages of life as yourself. Political campaigns, advocacy groups and volunteer organizations tend to be pressure-cooker environments and there’re few battlefields where love is more likely to bloom than places where pressure, enthusiasm and a sense of urgency all come together. You’re also more likely to find people who either understand demisexuality or are demisexual themselves.

In both of your cases, you’ll also want to remember to look a step or two beyond who you meet right off the bat at some of these events, as well as to moderate your own expectations.

To start with, you can’t go into these spaces with the same mindset you might have on a dating app or a singles bar. One of the reasons why folks have a hard time meeting people, even on the dating apps, is that attraction isn’t always instant, and chemistry isn’t always immediate. Expecting lightning right off the bat means you’re going to spend a lot of time disappointed; even if you’re into them right away, that doesn’t mean it’ll be mutual. Other times, it may be the other way around; there may be folks who think you a big plate of salty goodness but you aren’t necessarily into… yet. But those people may well grow on you as you get to know them; some people, especially if they’re strongly flavored, can be an acquired taste. They may take a bit of getting used to, but taking the time to acquire it can pay off in ways you may never expect and vice versa.

But also: the people you see the first time you go may not be the total number of people who are part of that group. Spending more time, getting to know people and become a regular means not just getting to know the folks you met on the first day, but also the people who may not have been there right off the bat or who join later on. And being a known quantity means that you’ll have a much easier time meeting both the new folks and the folks who hadn’t been there in a while.

And just as importantly: the people you meet at these events may not be the person or partner of your dreams… but they may well be the person who will introduce you to them. So building your own social network – and becoming part of other people’s – can be as important to finding your special someone as flirting and mixing and mingling with the folks who are already there.

I know it can be frustrating; it certainly doesn’t help when capitalism inserts itself into even our love-lives and tries to milk it like a cow. But with time, consideration and patience, you might be astounded at the results you get and the people you meet.

Good luck

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com