DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young person with recurrent hip pain, and I have considered using a mobility aid -- namely, a walking cane. Since I am still young and live with my parents, I feel a bit uncomfortable at the idea of using a cane. My parents are the type to tell me to "walk it off," even though a cane would help me a great deal with my pain.

Do you have any suggestions for some words to use when bringing up the subject with my parents? Is "Hey, this thing helps me and I'd like to use it, even if you think it's only for the elderly" sufficient?

GENTLE READER: Actually, Miss Manners has two words for you: walking stick.

Time was when a walking stick was considered a chic accessory for both ladies and gentlemen, unrelated to any usefulness it might have provided. Take a look at antique sticks -- some have built-in compasses, flasks, watches, powder compacts or, if people get really annoying, swords. You could start a new fad.

Miss Manners is not encouraging you to attack your parents. But they do need a good talking-to about your mobility being more important than ridiculous -- not to mention ageist -- concerns about what others think.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is the proper time to give a trunk party for a college student?

GENTLE READER: When his friends, who are probably also going off to college, and your friends, who are probably paying college tuition, beg you to allow them to help furnish his dormitory room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband died after a long illness, I received many lovely notes. I answered them all. I was very touched by the kindness, and I felt it helped me recover from my sorrow.

When I hear of the passing of friends or their family members, I usually write to the survivors. Most write back. Some don't respond. What is the right response to a written letter of condolence?

GENTLE READER: Exactly what your instinct told you.

Miss Manners is aware that many feel it is a burden on the bereaved to have to acknowledge expressions of sympathy. In extreme cases of grief prostration, one of the Is-There-Anything-I-Can-Do? people can be deputized to convey the survivor's appreciation.

But it is important to acknowledge condolence letters. As you attest, it should be gratifying to know that others cared for the deceased and are sympathetic with the survivor. Writing back is a chance to represent your husband to them, in appreciation not only of their concern, but of what those people meant to him.

And ignoring them often has an unfortunate, unintended consequence. As Miss Manners has often heard from widows (never from widowers), they may be ignored socially after the first intense mourning period. This may be in part because those whose first overtures were ignored conclude that the widow wants to be left alone, and thus cease to importune her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel that my soon-to-be MIL may have some ill will or jealousy towards me. My fiance is the only boy, so naturally she coddled him, but I wouldn't say he's a mama's boy.

She makes comments such as, "Stop cooking for my son every night! He comes home and expects it from me, but that's not going to happen." Or, "It must be nice to have a purse that costs as much as a car payment." It boggles my mind. I would assume a mother would be happy her son was cooked for and taken care of.

I do not find her less of a woman because she does not cook for her family, but I grew up watching my mom work full-time and come home to cook, so I do the same. I finished college early, went into the military and have been on my own ever since. I make my own money and am financially stable. If I splurge and buy myself something nice, it's because I feel I earned it.

She chose not to finish college or get a job outside of small church things, due to his father's stable job and income. They live a comfortable, upper-middle-class lifestyle and have no need or want for anything.

His parents took a trip to Italy, and afterwards, I received a small box in the mail. Inside was a small 3x3 frame -- no picture, no card or note. My fiance told me it was from his mom, who had told him she got me something in Italy. While I appreciate the thought, it almost seemed disingenuous due to the lack of communication.

I do not want to enter a marriage with tension between her and me. Am I overreacting or reading too far into things? How do I bring this up with my fiance? Or should I address it one-on-one with her?

GENTLE READER: The empty, note-less frame is odd, but at least your mother-in-law was making an effort. Miss Manners suggests that you not read too much into it. Perhaps it is intended for your wedding picture.

Yet if you start receiving random doll parts, you may have cause for alarm.

In the meantime, you might try to get to know your prospective mother-in-law better and get her on your side early before resentment sets in and stays there. Inquiring into her background and her son's childhood, as well as sharing anecdotes about yours and the kind of spouse you hope to be, will likely be considered charming.

This is no guarantee that everything will go smoothly from there on out. But cliches such as, "The best defense is a good offense," "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" and any others that are code for keeping a discontented mother-in-law under control, are useful.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a gender-neutral alternative to "sir" and "ma'am"?

I was in a retail establishment this morning, and a staff member walked past me pulling a flatbed cart full of potted plants. One fell off the back, and the staff member did not notice it, so I instinctively called out, "Sir, you dropped something!"

They stopped to thank me and put the plant back on the cart, and when they spoke, it became apparent that despite their physical appearance, I may have gotten their gender wrong.

I felt a little embarrassed, but did not want to call attention to either my dilemma or their physical ambiguity by apologizing. It would be so easy if there were an ungendered way to call out for someone's attention, short of "Hey, you!"

GENTLE READER: "Excuse me!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just had a large formal tea (as formal as I dared to make it without embarrassing myself or my down-to-earth friends) to celebrate both my daughters' birthdays since they are a few weeks apart. The part that I enjoyed the most was sending out handwritten invitations with pretty stamps.

We had a babysitter looking after 10 children while the adults enjoyed themselves in another room. Unfortunately, the sitter let the kids raid the presents and play with all the toys, books etc.

I was really looking forward to writing thank-you notes and getting my preschooler to scribble "thank you" in her shaky hand, but now I have no idea who gave what!

Is it OK to call or message the guests to ask which presents they brought? It's not very smooth, but I feel it's better than to write "Thank you for your generous gift", which is my plan B. What does Miss Manners recommend?

GENTLE READER: As you have no doubt discovered, "smooth" is not often a word associated with hosting a party with a 1:10 ratio of adults to young children.

Send a message to, or call, your guests and apologetically say, "I'm afraid the children got into the presents while we were enjoying our tea and I don't know who gave Lilabell and Tiara what. We would so like to thank you properly. Do you mind letting us know which of the lovely presents was yours?"

And as tempting as it may be to blame the hapless babysitter, Miss Manners suggests you keep the accountability part vague so as not to limit your options in the future.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am female, but I have an androgynous name often associated with a dog or a male. I work with the public, and many times I am confronted with rude questions, such as, "You're named after a dog?" "Did your parents hate you? Why are named that?" "What is your real name?" and so on.

I struggle to find an appropriate answer, as I do not want to sound rude, but am tired of people insulting my name.

GENTLE READER: "Yes, my given name is Pooch" followed by a pleasant but defiant smile that says, "You got somethin' to say about it?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)