DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have gotten texts from people asking me to call them when I have the time. I know that these people genuinely think they are being helpful and do not want to bother me when I am busy.

However, I do not see it this way. I think if a person wants to speak with me, they should call. If I am available, I will answer. If not, they can leave a message and I will call them back. The text method feels like they are putting the burden of initiating the call on me, when they are the ones who want to speak with me.

Am I justified in this point of view, or am I way off base?

GENTLE READER: Emotionally, your reaction is understandable. You feel that the texters have assigned you homework, while your reaction to the message-leavers is ameliorated by regret that you were unavailable when they wanted to speak with you.

Miss Manners says this as a gentle preface to pointing out that, for the reasons you gave, the text is less intrusive -- and therefore more respectful -- than barging in on someone, assuming constant availability.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two young kids. For their birthdays and Christmas over the past few years, my sister-in-law has been giving my kids used/outgrown toys and clothes from her daughter, who is older than my kids.

She is not struggling financially. Is it acceptable to give hand-me-downs as gifts?

GENTLE READER: Strictly speaking, hand-me-downs are gifts, even if the expectation is that they will be passed to the cousins on the other side after use, laundering and folding.

But what level of gift? Miss Manners recognizes she is unusual in valuing a gift by the thought and effort of the gift-giver, not its resale value. But under either standard, hand-me-downs are not generally as meaningful a gift as might be expected for a birthday or holiday.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were waiting in an airport lounge before an early morning flight. It was a quiet crowd. A man in his 40s answered a call from his lawyer on his cellphone, then proceeded to loudly rant and rave about his ex-wife and their custody battle.

Five of us around him got up and moved after 10 minutes. My husband stayed for a few more minutes and politely told the gentleman that taking a private call interrupted everyone's calm, and maybe next time he could take the call away from others. The man sneered at my husband and continued the call.

What else could we have done?

GENTLE READER: Stronger measures are necessary when communicating with someone who has just learned that the ex-wife is demanding the sports car as well as the children: "Sir, excuse me for interrupting, but you might not want everyone in the lounge to hear that you are hiding money in your Aruba account."

Miss Manners is borrowing the Caribbean island for an example, not a metaphor: The effect you are going for is fear, so you will want to include something you actually overheard.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one properly express condolences when you are told that a distant family member, who abused you and whom you loathe, has died?

"I'm sorry for your loss" seems wrong. I'm not.

"I hope he didn't suffer." That wouldn't be sincere; I kinda hope he did, a little. "Is there anything I can do?" Nope, the family was complicit in their denial of the abuse. I don't want to help them at all.

Silence isn't an option. It would be noticed and questioned and I would end up looking like an insensitive jerk. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Although she can help you, Miss Manners cautions against too much self-congratulation over your intention to be sincere. You want the words you speak to be true, but the impression you leave to be false -- namely that you are sensitive to their loss.

Very well: "Thank you for letting me know. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. My condolences." Perhaps it would compromise you too much to offer your "deepest condolences."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's dentist called, mumbled something about a dental practice, and asked, "Mr. Jones?"

Because I am female, and because I thought it was a telemarketer, I asked, "Do I sound like Mr. Jones?" and the lady said "Sorry" and hung up. When my husband got home, I told him what had happened and he called them back.

A few days later, they called again, asking for Joseph Jones. At least they asked for him by his full name this time, but again I thought it was a telemarketer, so I asked, "Who is calling?" before giving my husband the phone.

I told him later that they should really learn telephone etiquette, and he said "S'not my job." So I took it on myself and wrote them a letter explaining what had happened, and saying I hoped it was more helpful than rude.

However, when I gave the letter to my husband to proofread, he said not to send it, and that it was more rude than helpful.

Is he right? I don't expect them to write to Miss Manners anytime soon. But I'm not going to tell just anyone who calls, asking for my husband, whether he's home or not.

GENTLE READER: Difficult as it is to comment on your draft letter to the dentist without being allowed to read it, Miss Manners will try.

The dentist's office called and mistook you for him. When they received a sarcastic reply, they apologized and hung up (perhaps thinking they were being told your husband was not home?).

When they called back, they guessed at a different form of your husband's name that might be more acceptable than the one previously used. You asked who was calling, and they answered.

You have now drafted a letter to correct their manners. As Miss Manners has yet to hear any infraction of etiquette committed by anyone at the dentist's office -- and as correcting another person's manners (even a telemarketer's) is, itself, rude -- she will, barring further information, agree with your husband that the letter should not be sent.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After enjoying a Thanksgiving meal at a restaurant, I was shocked to be scolded by my elderly and generally very well-mannered mother about the way I interact with waiters and others in service positions.

It has always seemed to me that the world could use a bit more kindness and respect, and people whose job it is to serve the public probably need more than most. Moreover, I have never seen the people working in service industries as in any way beneath me. I have great respect for anyone who is honest and hardworking.

So, I called the waiter "sir" when I needed his attention. I spoke to him in full sentences, made eye contact when addressing him, said "please," "thank you" and "if it is not too much trouble," knowing full well that it was his job to go to the trouble. At the end of the meal, I returned his cheerful wish that we have a nice holiday.

There were brief pleasantries, but no chatting about anything personal, and certainly no flirting.

Apparently, my mother feels that I am inappropriately treating waitstaff and salesclerks as if they were hosting me in their homes, rather than providing a paid service, that I am making them uncomfortable by blurring boundaries, and that I am wasting their time by using too many words.

If this is the case, I am missing it completely. I always seem to be given excellent service, and the service providers seem relaxed and pleasant enough. Is my mother correct that I am too polite in these circumstances?

GENTLE READER: The custom to which your mother is referring dates from when servants were considered robots. When Miss Manners once waited on a table at a charity event, then socialized with the guests afterwards, they repeated much of their dinner conversation -- imagining that she had not heard it when standing silently behind their chairs.

The presumption of invisibility is now recognized as rude. Even period dramas about aristocrats show them chatting with their domestic staff during dinner, which they would never have done.

If you were interfering with service or getting personal, your mother would be right to object. It is also patronizing to assume that waiters are available for friendship, much less flirting. But simple courtesy is always welcome.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it still considered vulgar to wear both gold and silver jewelry at the same time?

GENTLE READER: Please -- Miss Manners gets enough flak when she cites the rule against wearing major stones (other than marriage rings) in daylight.

Some people do not like to mix metals, but if you do, go right ahead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The father of my daughter is engaged. At our daughter's birthday party, which I was hosting, his fiancee was introducing herself to my daughter's guests as her stepmom.

They are not married yet! Is this an acceptable way for her to introduce herself?

GENTLE READER: Is this an argument you want to have, when she presumably will be?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)