Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After a spat with my wife, I brought home a bouquet of flowers as a peace offering. She thanked me and set them aside.

After a couple of hours, I noticed that the flowers were still on the counter, and asked why they weren't in a vase. She said it was my responsibility to put them in a vase to complete the gesture. I told her I thought she should put them in a vase to show her appreciation.

Which is it? When giving a bouquet of flowers, does the giver have to put them in a vase to complete the gift?

On a similar note, my wife says that for birthdays, Valentine's Day, anniversaries or Mother's Day, flowers have to be delivered by a florist to count as thoughtful. I think handing someone flowers, or having them waiting in a vase on a table, also shows thought.

GENTLE READER: With all due respect to your wife, Miss Manners thinks she has some very specific and peculiar ideas about what constitutes thoughtfulness in flower giving.

Does she think that people who bring them to dinner parties should rifle through their hosts' cabinets to find a vase? Granted, this can be an awkward task for a busy host, but certainly that is not the solution. And bringing flowers oneself is definitely more personal and thoughtful than having a florist deliver them. The accompanying note is so often mistaken for the receipt -- or suspiciously composed in a stranger's handwriting.

But Miss Manners certainly does not wish to start another argument -- if only because the apology protocol would be far too complicated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter's bridesmaids were preparing to throw her a bridal shower when a relative from the groom's side offered to throw the event herself at her home. She has a rather large house, suitable for big parties, and we've been told she enjoys hosting such events.

Before we knew it, the bridal shower turned into a co-ed wedding shower. The hostess has now attempted to assign the female members of the bridal party items to bring: all the alcohol, garnishes/juices, games, guest favors and prizes for the game winners. The bridesmaids were shocked to learn that they were also expected to set up, decorate, serve, tear down, wash dishes, etc.

It's not that they don't want to help, but that they weren't asked. There was no communication at all until two weeks prior to the party, when they all received a list of duties and supplies. And the men of the wedding party haven't been asked to lift a finger.

The women have politely responded that they are eager to help, but they made it clear what they would be doing. They assigned themselves the roles they are willing to play for the hostess to work around. Are they right?

GENTLE READER: Impeccably so. Miss Manners concedes that this hostess could change the nature of the party, but then she does not also get to farm out the responsibilities and expenses. That these assignments were also sexist just makes them more unsavory.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I always try to be respectful of clerks, waitstaff, checkout workers at stores, etc. I thank them and address them as "miss," "ma'am," "sir" or "young man." But I recently embarrassed myself by addressing a person I first assumed was a woman using "Ms."

When I looked again, I realized I was addressing a transgender person and immediately apologized. They graciously accepted my apology.

However, we agreed that the lack of a respectful way to address trans people is bothersome. What is an appropriate address?

GENTLE READER: The examples you specify -- even before we add in the possibility of misgendering -- are no less problematic. A "miss" may prefer "Mrs." (although it is usually the reverse); many "ma'ams" protest that they are too young for the title; and "young men" over a certain age find the label condescending.

While Miss Manners hopes that the majority of these strangers will be as gracious as the person you recently encountered, she has too much proof to the contrary. It is safer -- and more polite -- not to guess a person's demographic at all and just say "thank you." Full stop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While shopping in a large warehouse store, I saw an elderly woman using an electric shopping cart that was at the end of its charge. It was clear that she wasn't likely to make it the end of the aisle, let alone all the way across the store.

I told her that if she would stay put, I would go try to find her another cart. At the front of the store, there were two or three available, so I got on one with a full charge.

Before I could drive away, I was accosted by a belligerent man who loudly admonished me for taking a cart designed for the disabled.

I've never felt the need to explain myself to random strangers and he wasn't in a mood to listen, so I drove around him as he shouted after me and created quite a scene. I was really shaken by the incident, but don't know how I could have handled the situation differently. Employees can be hard to find, and the woman clearly needed help.

Is there a better way to deal with corrections from the loud and belligerent?

GENTLE READER: Although it does amuse Miss Manners to think of your driving away and shouting back at him, "It's not for meeeeeee!," she agrees that it would be futile. Loud and belligerent people are not generally open to reason and logic.

Better that you and the cartless woman knew your true intentions. But it is a lesson for us all not to make assumptions about situations in which we are not involved.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a gentleman should, I offer my wife the first choice when there are two of something left. For example: "Dear wife, we have two tomatoes left. Would you prefer the red or the yellow?"

Her response invariably is, "Either one is fine. I have no preference."

I contend that this is rude, and that proper etiquette would dictate that she choose one, rather than deferring the decision back to me. What say you?

GENTLE READER: That Miss Manners, like your wife, has no preference in the matter.

Knowing this, you might spare your wife the decision and just take the one you want. But other spouses, beware: Not everyone will appreciate this kind of brazen tomato decisiveness. It usually takes only one such violation to find that out.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a single woman in my late 20s, I receive frequent unwanted "compliments" about my appearance from men, which make me uncomfortable. These men are either complete strangers or mere acquaintances. I am sure they think they are being nice, but I am upset by their presumption.

What is a good response to a comment like "You look beautiful," or to being called "dear" or "hon" by someone I don't even know? I never know what to do in the moment, and I'm afraid I'll come across as overly intense if I try to educate them on why it's not OK to assume that women want to hear those things from men.

I have also had total strangers, one of whom was 40-plus years my senior, inquire about my relationship status point-blank in a public place. I was so shocked I didn't know how to respond.

GENTLE READER: Good. The best way to express shock and insult is to be shocked and insulted. Look scandalized, surprised and slightly angry, which shouldn't be difficult, and keep your mouth shut, which might be.

Most men will feel bad if they think they have misbehaved. Too many, when you begin to educate them, will instead conclude you are a bore and a pedant -- or that you just want to keep talking to them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should I deal with others who breathe down my neck while waiting in line? I always wear face shields in stores and stay a respectful 6 to 12 feet behind those in front of me, but those behind me are often far less aware or courteous.

GENTLE READER: Let them go first, observing -- and you must say this without any hint of sarcasm or spite -- that they "seem to be in a hurry." It will make your wait a trifle longer, but it will gain the distance you want with the added bonus of highlighting the other person's transgression.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 29-year-old daughter has become engaged to the love of her life. Her mother, from whom I am divorced and who lives in another state, has a local friend who reached out to my daughter. This friend called and left a message saying that she wanted to "come by and drop off a card" (presumably congratulations).

My daughter has not seen this person in many years and has virtually no memory of her. From an etiquette standpoint, she would have to invite the woman inside to facilitate the transfer of the card and sharing of any niceties. However, she really does not want to do this, nor even meet with this person.

What is the proper way to tell the woman "thanks but no thanks"? We don't understand why she wouldn't just mail the card in the first place.

GENTLE READER: Have your daughter call back and, while discussing a mutually convenient time, repeatedly apologize for how crazy things are with all the wedding planning.

This will be both disarming and believable, allowing your daughter to propose times that are both far off and inconvenient. Miss Manners recommends against the full-scale theatrics of pretending there are other people in the room clamoring for your daughter's attention.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)