Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During COVID, my husband and I traveled to visit my sister out of state. We live a secluded lifestyle under normal circumstances, and even more so during COVID.

We are fully vaccinated, we wear masks, we avoid unnecessary socializing and we travel by RV or car to avoid flying and public transportation. My sister's daughter (my niece) and her family are/were just the opposite.

One day during our stay, while I was sitting on the front porch, my niece and her family drove up. They asked if they were allowed inside and I suggested they ask my sister.

My niece's husband blew up and accused me of controlling my sister. He came up on the porch shouting and waving his arms in front of me. I will not deny that I responded verbally to his bullying, though no cursing was exchanged.

Last Christmas, he and his wife uncharacteristically sent us an inexpensive box of cookies. I suspect the gift was his way of apologizing without admitting guilt. Now my family is pressing me to move on and even take responsibility for my reaction to the bullying, but I still cannot forgive the behavior. Am I off base?

GENTLE READER: Your relative was rude and you were rude back. He then failed to apologize (cookies are flour, sugar and sometimes butter; they are not apologies, no matter how clear the butter).

You are considering moving on, which is also not an apology. And your family is trying to determine whether you or he have greater cause for grievance.

One purpose of etiquette is to restore peace after human beings misbehave -- not to keep score. Miss Manners is therefore going to go and see if there are any cookies left while you move on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a daughter-in-law who is a very strict vegan. None of us are. She seems to expect that when she's invited over to a family function, we should be sure to serve vegan items, versus her bringing her own specialty meal.

It's a lot of work cooking for a group, let alone a single vegan person. When she invited us to a potluck, and we asked what we could bring, we were presented with a menu and recipes to choose from. She actually assigned things to bring.

I have never come across anyone like this, and it's very frustrating. What is the best way to handle this type of personality without losing my cool and alienating her, which I'm close to doing?

GENTLE READER: Potluck squabbles are so often brought to Miss Manners that she is happy to find another argument against them on behalf of those with strict dietary requirements.

It is reasonable of your daughter-in-law to expect that you will provide some items that she can eat at family functions. But she has no authority over what is served to other guests. Following a similar logic, if she wants to control the menu at her own functions, she should provide the food -- otherwise, she will have to be gracious when her brother-in-law brings pigs in blankets.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with a person who counters any challenges with "you're crazy"?

Instead of discussing ideas in a civil tone, my husband tries to dismiss any attempts at debate by shutting me down with a label both inaccurate and cruel. Debasing a person with an ad hominem attack is the "craziest" thing I have ever seen.

In the past, I have told him he doesn't have the licensing requirements to diagnose any illness. It doesn't stop his attacks.

Any ideas for this crazy woman?

GENTLE READER: Is it safe to presume that your husband is not trying to build a case to have you committed to an asylum so that he can carry on with the lady next door?

Assuming those are not his intentions, it is only a matter of teaching him a polite euphemism. Miss Manners suggests one that was in frequent use in the U.S. Congress in better days: "I believe you are gravely mistaken."

However, as you may have observed from our government in action, there are people who prefer delivering insults to working out differences. If your husband is such a one, Miss Manners can only offer you her sympathy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is engaged to a great guy. She is head-over-heels for him, and the rest of us really like him, too. They are a great match.

The issue is that while my daughter has many friends and a huge family on both my side and my wife's, he has a relatively small family and not as many friends. He and I get along great, and he expressed interest in having me be his best man.

I've only known him for a year or so, and although we are close, he's not my "best friend" and vice versa. My daughter says "no way," and so does my wife.

I know I'm supposed to walk her down the aisle and be the Father of the Bride, and I really don't want to be his best man. I'm just curious if there is any kind of wedding etiquette that frowns on the FOTB also being the best man.

GENTLE READER: Why do you appeal to Miss Manners, when you have your daughter available? All she needs to say is, "Honey, that's so sweet, and I'm thrilled that you feel that way about my father. He thinks the world of you. But he already has an important place in the wedding, and another one would be too much."

But as you did ask her, Miss Manners must say, once again, that a wedding is not like a play with specific roles to be cast. The wedding should fit the families, not the other way around.

It is not mandatory that there be a best man. The simple function of handing over the bride's ring could be done by the maid of honor, if there is one. Or even by you, as you will be at the altar anyway, although at your daughter's side, not his.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't understand people who complain about getting old.

My mother-in-law, who will soon turn 97 and is healthier than I am, is frequently heard to say that "getting old is not for sissies." These types of comments really stick in my craw because my son passed away suddenly from a pulmonary embolism at the age of 25, while on his honeymoon.

Many people are not afforded the luxury of living a long, healthy life. Instead of complaining, they should thank their lucky stars that they've lived long enough to see their children have families of their own, have grandchildren and even great-grandchildren.

My son and his wife never had that joy. My daughter-in-law has not been the same since losing my son 21 years ago, and has never remarried.

GENTLE READER: Lucky stars are rarely thanked.

It is not necessary to have suffered a tragedy as terrible as yours to find someone who is better off -- or worse. But what good does it do? If you broke your leg, would you feel lucky in comparison to someone whose leg was amputated?

Would you be comforted if someone whose child died even younger said that you were lucky to have yours for 25 years? Or if a childless person said you were lucky to have had him at all? People do say such cruel things, and such comparisons are always hurtful.

Paradoxically, there is some comfort in sympathizing, if not empathizing, with others. This is why many bereaved people get involved in helping others, often in causes related to their misfortunes.

Miss Manners cannot help wondering if your mother-in-law was close to your son, in which case, she, too, is bereaved. In any case, at her age, she will have been losing her contemporaries. And whether in good general health or not, she is perhaps suffering aches and pains and the loss of abilities she used to take for granted.

However, it is for your own sake that Miss Manners begs you not to consider suffering to be competitive.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I noticed some people introduce themselves with their occupation, such as, "My name is Dr. Jones" or "My name is Detective Smith."

I believe they should say, "I'm Dr. Jones" or "I'm Detective Smith." Their name is not "doctor." I don't hear people say, "Hi, my name is Plumber Joe." You get the point.

What is proper in this case?

GENTLE READER: No title ever goes with "My name is," whether it is "doctor," "Mr." or "prince."

But Miss Manners can think of working situations where clues must be given not only to identify the person's occupation, but to provide the form of address. The newcomer who enters your hospital room says "I am Dr. Gamble" so that you don't complain to her that breakfast is late. And you may be glad to know that the stranger at your door is the plumber -- and to have a name to shout when the water backs up in another room.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)