DEAR MISS MANNERS: How much detail in the response is required when declining an invitation, and does it vary by event?

For example, if I say, "I'm busy that day" when just a cup of coffee is involved, do I need to say, "I'm chairing a charity event that weekend" when a destination wedding is in the works?

I was always pretty terse in my RSVPs, but I've noticed that well-mannered people I know tend to trot out a concrete reason when bowing out.

Second question: When I ask someone for advice, do I owe them a follow-up? Such as "I looked into what you suggested, but decided to go in a different direction."

Your commonsense advice is always much appreciated.

GENTLE READER: There is a difference between declining an invitation and bowing out afterwards. Miss Manners is not sure you are making this distinction, which may be the reason that your well-mannered friends are taking the additional step.

When declining an invitation, a simple "I am so sorry, but I'm afraid I can't attend" is perfectly polite. And more often than not, revealing the real reason -- that you do not feel like it or do not like the people, activity, food and/or price of admission -- would be rude.

But if you are bowing out after having accepted, you had better have a very good excuse -- or at least one that is not discoverable.

As for the second question, you do not owe anyone, including Miss Manners, a follow-up on advice unless they specifically ask if you used it. Even in that case, you need not specify if it was successful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 38, and 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with a severe, life-limiting disease that leaves me in enormous pain around the clock.

Unfortunately, my body seems to be breaking down at a faster rate than many others with this disease. I have begun using various aids, such as a wheelchair, which somehow seems to give people a free pass to ask about my limitations and tell me about theirs.

I am not ashamed of my disease, and I don't mind telling people about it. My problem is when people, even some in my own family, tell me that they could never deal with such a diagnosis, and that they would kill themselves if they were me.

I never know what to say to this. I feel like I need to put on a brave face at all times, when in truth, I have been hospitalized for trying to end my life due to my pain. (This is none of their business.)

I am trying to make the most of the years I have left and trying to find reasons to live; reminders of death make my already-difficult life much harder. Is there a way to succinctly tell people that this comment is both unwarranted, unwanted and pretty damn offensive?

GENTLE READER: "What a terrible thing to say."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We will be moving out of our house for 10 months during a major renovation. Although we will escape the noise and the chaos, our neighbors will not. There will be the usual trucks, mess and noise that go with any construction project.

We're going to follow all the legal guidelines for the project (permits, neighborhood notifications, etc.). But in the interest of being a courteous neighbor, what other things should we do? Drop off earplugs? Send apologies? What does Miss Manners recommend?

GENTLE READER: The people in the middle seats in the airplane or the theater understand that they have to let you through to your seat, but you still apologize for the inconvenience. The process is repeated for each trip to the bathroom or the popcorn stand.

At some point, even the most understanding fellow patron will wonder if forgoing the third drink purchase might have also obviated the necessity for the third bathroom stop.

You will be stepping on your neighbors' toes for 10 months. More than a casual apology -- or a gesture that might be seen as minimizing the discomfort you are about to cause -- is needed. If you hope to find them still neighborly on your return, Miss Manners recommends that your firm apology be accompanied by your phone number and a promise that, when problems inevitably crop up, you will be both available and willing to fix them quickly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I simply don't like to travel. It's expensive and stressful, and I just find myself anxious to be home. Visiting family in other states is about it for us.

I am surprised when someone asks about travel plans as a topic of conversation when I've given no indication of any such plans. Simply replying "no" results in digging as to why not.

I find it rather elitist for someone to assume that another has the funds to travel, and therefore it's a rude inquiry. It may just be small talk, but how do I let someone know that it's an arrogant, insensitive question?

GENTLE READER: What happened to, "I simply don't like to travel"? It had Miss Manners' sympathy, which stayed with you through surprise, cost, stress, anxiety -- even frustration that people are rude enough to argue that you should like to travel.

Where you lose her is when you assert that the normal irritations caused by thoughtless, but not ill-meaning, people justify assault. You almost certainly already know how to let someone know that you believe their questions are arrogant and insensitive. But how about, for a lark, you don't?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 51 years old, getting married for the first and only time. When I send out my wedding invitations, I plan on having my honeymoon fund/registry on there.

But on the bridal shower invitations, I do not want to have the honeymoon fund. Instead, I am having an insert made that lists gift cards that I would like. Do I absolutely have to have the registry on there, too?

GENTLE READER: Sigh.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a dear friend who loves to host dinner parties. She has invited me and my husband many times and we greatly appreciate her hospitality. I feel terrible that we have never reciprocated by inviting her and her husband to come to our home for dinner.

The truth is that I'm embarrassed by my house. My husband and I make decent money, but we both work in government, so we aren't rich. Our house is old and tiny, and not in the greatest neighborhood.

By contrast, my friend and her husband live in one of the nicest and most desirable neighborhoods in this area and they have a beautiful home with hardwood floors, a dining room, remodeled bathrooms, etc.

Our house is, frankly, a dump. We have mismatched furniture, no dining room (we would have to serve dinner at the kitchen table), old carpets and a teeny bathroom. To be clear, I'm grateful to have a house at all, which is out of reach for so many people in this area.

Nevertheless, I am too embarrassed to invite anyone over for dinner. We have occasionally invited these friends to meet us for dinner at restaurants, but it's not really the same.

The thought of these friends having dinner at my kitchen table makes me cringe with shame. I feel that it would be rude not to offer the same type of elegant dinner party experience that they provide us in their home. As that's impossible, I am stuck.

My husband thinks that I am being ridiculous, and even more rude by not inviting them to dinner. Who is right, me or my husband?

GENTLE READER: Your husband.

Why does no one believe Miss Manners when she says that it is the effort, not the cost, that matters? Or, put another way, what is the likelihood that a dear friend would sneer at you for not having hardwood floors -- or the value of such a friend, if she did?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a school setting and sometimes feel awkward thanking my colleagues. For example, a colleague assisted a student on a matter that is part of their job, but not mine. Is it appropriate for me to say, "Thank you for handling that"?

I worry that it will appear either condescending (as if I think they work for me) or lazy (as if they took care of something that I was supposed to handle).

Is there a better way to word this that makes it clear that I am simply grateful that the student received assistance and am not trying to reinforce any sort of hierarchy?

GENTLE READER: You are not, for the reasons you give, expressing gratitude, but rather admiration. If you think of it this way, Miss Manners believes the correct phrasing will follow, as in, "That was really wonderful of you to help him with that."

This will solve the jurisdictional problem (whose job was it?). It may still sound condescending, but it is Miss Manners' impression that scholars are trained to navigate what appears to be a common occupational hazard.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)