DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't understand when someone asks, "Are you busy tomorrow?" or "What are you doing Friday?" If you say "no" or "nothing," it's like you're automatically free to do them a favor. I find this very rude.

If I want to ask for something, I always say, "Are you busy tomorrow? Because I need a ride to the doctor" or whatever.

How do I counter the assumption that since I'm not busy, I want to do something for them? Sometimes I just want to do nothing.

How can I politely tell someone I don't want to watch their kids or go shopping with them?

GENTLE READER: Your complaint is valid, but for consistency, Miss Manners suggests you revise your own script when you are doing the asking. Opening with "Are you busy tomorrow because ... " is what we are trying to stamp out, even if your construction gives the recipient a few seconds to think up a prior commitment.

The answer, when you are asked about your own schedule, is "Why?" -- which Miss Manners instructs you to deliver with a winning smile, not a suspicious sulk.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to my best friend's house to have dinner with her and her cousin. We had only been there a short time when the cousin began berating a church for allowing gay marriage.

I waited for my friend to say something, but she did not. I said, "We disagree about this subject, so let's not discuss religion or politics." I began a conversation about other topics, but the cousin continued to make comments about undocumented people, open borders, school lunches, etc.

The cousin then asked me about my daughter's recent engagement. I said she was with a very nice man originally from Syria. She said that he must be in a terrorist cell. I, of course, said, "Absolutely not."

My friend said nothing. I was in her home and couldn't say what I really wanted to say. We finished our meal quickly and left.

A few days later, I asked my friend why she did not stop the cousin from insulting my family. She denied hearing the insults and gave the excuse that she had had too much wine. My friend was seated beside me and had to have heard the remarks.

My friend said she was sorry, but I am still upset that she didn't defend me. My feelings are deeply hurt and my friendship with her has changed. Should I just get over it?

GENTLE READER: Not being entirely clear what steps are involved in getting over it, Miss Manners takes you to be asking if you should accept your friend's apology, and whether you are right to let it affect the friendship.

The former will depend on how sincere you judge the apology to be, and the latter on how likely she is to place you in a similarly outrageous position in the future.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why has it become socially acceptable for online funding campaigns to be made for everyone and everything? Social media is flooded with them, each one asking for thousands of dollars, and it feels excessive.

Am I missing something, that this has become acceptable? Or is it the guilt of people who feel the need to make a page for a struggling loved one that has caused the increase?

I especially cannot understand when a campaign surpasses its goal and people keep donating, rather than shifting the money to another cause -- or the organizer shutting it down.

I understand the financial burden a tragic event can cause, but where is the line drawn?

GENTLE READER: Socially acceptable? Says who?

Well, greedy people who are perfectly solvent but want more, and expect to get it from acquaintances, friends and strangers alike -- that's who. Oddly enough, they are not the arbiters of proper behavior.

Miss Manners, who is, recognizes that begging may be the last resort of people in desperate circumstances, or that generous people may organize relief for the victims of tragedy.

But then there are the "everyone and everything" demands: those who have dreams that they cannot afford -- a trip, a lavish wedding -- and want others to finance. Or, as you point out, those who continue to solicit money for a problem that has been solved.

No, those efforts are not socially acceptable.

They are, however, socially ignorable. Your charitable donations should be made to the causes you deem most worthy of help, and you should resist intimidation from those who merely deem themselves worthy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We request your advice on whether it is acceptable to issue (and accept) wedding invitations after the first batch has gone out.

We received an invitation to a local wedding, and it is clear from the timing and information on the couple's website that most invitations were sent much earlier. We would like to attend, but my wife is concerned that there is something unseemly about not being included in the initial invite list.

I think it makes sense that we are backup guests. The bride and our daughter were best friends in elementary school, and our families became close and vacationed together. The girls drifted apart in middle school, and so did the adult friendship. But we have fond memories of the bride and her family.

GENTLE READER: It is unfortunate that social postings have made so much known that shouldn't be.

For hosts to have a B list is not wrong; predicting how many invitations will be accepted is next to impossible, and including others when there is room is sensible.

But making it known who is on the B list is wrong. As guests should respond immediately (this is Miss Manners living in a dream world), the batches of invitations should be mailed no more than a week apart.

Nevertheless, it is not an insult to discover that distant friends would like to have you, but give priority to closer ones. Whether or not you attend should depend on your feelings about them -- whether you still like them and their daughter enough to be part of their family occasion.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was shopping at a local grocery store, looking for Italian breadcrumbs. Searching the aisles, I couldn't find them. I came upon a lady also obviously looking for something, and I innocently asked her if she'd seen the breadcrumbs.

Her response floored me. She said, "Why -- because I'm a woman?"

My response was, "No, because I'm making meatloaf."

I took a boys' cooking class in ninth grade, and I have spent a lot of time in the kitchen during my 29-year career as a professional firefighter.

GENTLE READER: It doesn't take much to insult people nowadays, does it?

This one doesn't even make sense. Did your restrained reply show the lady how ridiculous she was being?

An unfortunate side effect of the current emphasis on "identity" is that people commonly assume that theirs is under attack, even in obviously benign situations such as this one. But while you were not insulting her gender, Miss Manners will take the opportunity to insult her manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband thinks that if I ask for something without saying "please," it is inherently rude. In addition, he will point it out and refuse to help in any way until I say "please," even if I am in the middle of taking care of one or both of our toddlers. He even does this in front of our extended families.

Both of us frequently ask our 3-year-old daughter to say "please" to teach her good manners, and we will refuse to give her a treat, etc. until she does. However, I find my husband's habit very rude, especially when done in front of company. It feels like I'm being treated like a 3-year-old.

I do try to politely request help, but my husband thinks there's no such thing as politely asking for something without specifically saying "please."

What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: By your own account, you are behaving worse than you expect a 3-year-old to behave.

Miss Manners would like to make your and your husband's child-rearing efforts simpler by reminding you that children pay attention to what their parents do, often at the expense of what the parents tell them to do.

Therefore, you should always accompany a request with "please," not just to avoid undercutting your daughter and annoying your husband, but because it is the right thing to do.

And he should stop criticizing you in public, which, despite provocation, is the wrong thing to do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At what time does saying "Good afternoon" change to "Good evening"?

GENTLE READER: At 6 p.m., sundown or whenever you arise from your afternoon nap.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)