Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not knowledgeable about watches. I found the watch I often wear by searching online for a self-winding watch and finding one that was in my budget and looked nice.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that it was a knockoff of a popular luxury design.

In the past, when somebody would compliment me on my watch, I would explain that it wasn’t what they thought it was. But I recently changed jobs and am seeing many more people each day, increasing the frequency that my watch is seen and that people believe they recognize the brand.

Explaining that it's a knockoff is starting to make me feel bad, even though the watch was never bought with any intent to fool anyone. While it’s nowhere near as expensive as the real thing, it cost me enough I’d like to not have it go to waste if I were to stop wearing it.

I never meant it to be a conversation piece, but it seems to be one, at least among the people who care about such things. I doubt that a simple “thanks” will be enough to shut down conversation when somebody compliments me on it. None of my options here seem very good.

GENTLE READER: It is probably not the worst scam to allow others to mistake your watch for something more expensive. Since such people are both brand-conscious and unable to detect the real thing, Miss Manners would be inclined to the imposture pass.

However, if it makes you feel dishonest, she offers you a graceful example on a somewhat higher scale. Once, she thought she was seeing a huge Canaletto painting in the home of someone who might even have been able to afford one. Seeing her stare at it, mesmerized, the host said quietly, in passing, “School of.”

Perhaps in the case of a watch, it should be “inspired by” -- a euphemism Miss Manners has noticed being employed by the fashion industry to suggest “stolen from.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes when I am invited to a friend’s house in a group that I socialize with, I ask if I can bring anything. Often, the host will say, “Just bring a bottle of wine” or “You don’t need to bring anything.”

I respect the host’s wishes, but when I arrive, I see people bringing side dishes. This has happened more than once and at different people’s homes.

I know it’s not my cooking, because when I’ve had them over, they seem to really enjoy my food. I am baffled and embarrassed by coming empty-handed, although I always do bring a bottle of good wine.

I’m not sure what to do in these instances and what to make of it.

GENTLE READER: Although it is possible that some hosts who say not to bring anything really mean “Please! Cook my dinner!,” Miss Manners gives them the courtesy of taking them at their word. She hears from many who are annoyed to have their menus interfered with. You need not be embarrassed for respecting your host.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a cute storage rack in my guest bathroom that holds hand soap and a stack of paper towels. But more often than not, guests will use the bath towels hanging on the towel bar instead. I’ve even pulled the rack closer to the sink and put a used paper towel in the trash.

Any other suggestions to let them know that these are not for show, but to use?

GENTLE READER: Sadly, no. Miss Manners is embarrassed to say that getting guests to use the guest towels is the Great Unsolvable Etiquette Problem.

Whatever tactic parents use to bar their children from using the guest towels, it is infinitely more effective than their instructions to answer invitations, thank benefactors and eat in a manner that does not disgust others at the table.

You can remove the bath towels, but then guests will just wipe their hands on their clothes. Or worse, emerge unwashed.

The only people whose guest towels are used are those who are annoyed about it, fancying that people should recognize that the towels are of such artistic value as to be clearly only for decoration. It is hard to say which is sillier: thinking that your towels form an art collection or that they are too good for your guests.

Pathetically, Miss Manners can only suggest that you call out “I’ve put towels in there for you” to any guest who walks toward the powder room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in the Northeast, where snowstorms are commonplace. Both of us are fortunate to have jobs that generally close in bad weather, so we have time to clear snow at our leisure.

A friend of ours has grandparents who live in our neighborhood. They are relatively recent immigrants from a warm climate, and we have taken to shoveling their driveway and walkways whenever the weather warrants it. This friend's whole family has been very kind to us over the years, and I know they worry about these grandparents being too far away to reach easily in an emergency.

The problem is that whenever we shovel for them, they insist on feeding us until we’re bursting at the seams, and then sending us home with enough food for several more meals.

Because of a slight language barrier, I’m not sure if we’re adequately conveying that we do not need or expect repayment. All of my grandparents are gone, and we enjoy doing something for this elderly couple and sitting and talking with them for a little while afterwards.

While their gifts of food are appreciated (and delicious!), they are not needed. Is there a gracious way to insist that we do not require such thanks?

GENTLE READER: Had these people offered to pay you, you would be right to be embarrassed, if not actually offended. But they are returning a kind, neighborly gesture with another kind, neighborly gesture.

Graciousness consists not only of doing things for others, but in accepting their efforts to do things for you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We’re at a bit of a loss regarding beach house invitation etiquette. We purchased an eight-bedroom second home with the idea of hosting family, friends and acquaintances throughout the season. We provide 5 p.m. cocktails and casual dinners for anyone wishing to join.

Our idea has been “the more, the merrier” -- many of these people have met previously and get along, plus we truly enjoy seeing everyone together. Most guests seem to enjoy themselves immensely and write lovely notes in our guestbook.

But to our surprise, several people have been unhappy to learn they will not be the only guests in the house with us during their stay. In fact, three couples outright canceled, the week before their visits, upon learning it would not be just the four of us alone!

Mind you, there was no apparent dislike of the other houseguests, just a preference for something more “intimate,” it seems.

We do give thought to this, and generally mention who else might be here when people respond to our invitations. But this can change quite a bit, as family fills in openings or friends ask to visit (which we encourage).

Now we’re wondering: Are we doing something ill-mannered or wrong? Do most people expect, when coordinating a vacation home visit, that they will be the sole guests (or kept apprised of the shifting guest list)?

This latest cancellation conveyed the impression that we’re running an extended frat party for adults.

GENTLE READER: It is your house and you can schedule guests however you wish. But yes, some warning is considerate, if for no other reason than to stop your guests from appearing in their dressing gown in front of strangers.

You might say, “We run a sort of college dorm here, inviting all kinds of interesting people to mix and mingle. I hope that suits you.”

If it does not, your guests may take that as a chance to say they will see you another time. If it does, Miss Manners suggests you emphasize that guests must still be invited, lest they take the opportunity to bring along their own college buddies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Weeks ago, I had a pretty bad accident in front of my neighbors’ front door. They were outside, and the wife is a former nurse.

They offered to drive me to urgent care, because there was no way I was going to be able to drive myself. I needed about 10 stitches in my hand, so they went grocery shopping while I was getting stitched up, then picked me up when it was done.

On the way home, they stopped by a fast-food place that I’m a fan of, and said, "Order whatever you want; it’s on us."

How do I pay them back?

GENTLE READER: By thanking them profusely in a letter, if not necessarily in chicken nuggets. And by being an exceptionally observant, considerate and helpful neighbor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)