DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was walking in the humanities building of the university where I am a graduate student. I turned the corner of the hallway that leads to the offices and saw one of my professors lying in the middle of the hall at the bottom of a few steps.

She had two other professors around her, and I could hear that they believed she had sprained an ankle (I assume from tripping down the stairs).

I needed to get by them to get to my office, so I said “excuse me” and walked by. I now wonder: Was that rude of me? Should I have stopped and inquired further?

I mean, the situation was clearly under control and it was not an emergency. My presence would likely have only made my professor uncomfortable (she did catch my eye and I could tell that she felt this way already).

Should I have chosen an alternate path? I wasn’t exactly stepping over her to get to my office, but it was pretty close.

GENTLE READER: Your haste to get to your office may have demonstrated a commendable commitment to your studies. But Miss Manners suspects a quick stop to inquire if any further assistance was needed would not have done any lasting damage to your GPA.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father, my three siblings and I are having a surprise 80th birthday party for my mother. One of her cousins responded that they were coming, but also asked what restaurant my mom likes, because she wants to bring a gift card for her.

My parents don’t need anything and I know my mom would prefer not to receive gifts. I politely responded that it was a very nice thought, but no gifts were necessary. She said that I should tell her the name of a restaurant, because she was going to bring a gift card regardless.

Is it rude on my part to ask people not to bring gifts? Or should she back down?

GENTLE READER: No. Yes. But isn’t your real question: How do I get this cousin to stop pestering me?

Miss Manners has an answer for that one, too, which is, “You know, I’m not sure she would actually use it.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A woman my husband works with bought him five work shirts. (This is something that happens quite often with this co-worker.) I told him that I felt it was inappropriate, and that he should give them back.

But he likes the shirts, and decided that rather than giving them back, he would go ahead and wear them. He even went and bought another one on his own, and it turns out each one cost over $100.

There is a whole load of context here, but I don’t think there’s any need to share all of that.

GENTLE READER: No doubt. You might ask your husband how he would feel about a male co-worker who purchased expensive jewelry for you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some years ago, my uncle, having never met my then-boyfriend, made a series of racist jokes about him. (My boyfriend is part-Asian.)

These jokes were made on my blog, which another family member had shared with my uncle without my consent. For example, if I wrote that I was attending a party, my uncle would comment, “Make sure to bring egg rolls for Chang!” (My boyfriend is not named Chang, and is not Chinese.)

Years later, my father died suddenly. My uncle was supportive to me then, and my boyfriend was cordial to him as a kindness to me. My uncle said that he’d be honored to give me away at my wedding someday in lieu of my father, whom he idolized.

I didn’t mention the offer to my boyfriend, as marrying wasn’t on our minds then, and he seemed to be getting along with my uncle. But subsequently, we got engaged.

When I mentioned the prior jokes to my uncle, saying that I was glad he and my fiance had put it behind them, he completely denied it ever happened. He seemed to totally forget how cruel he’d been years ago. This infuriated my fiance, and he is now dead-set against my uncle even being at our wedding.

How will I tell my uncle this?

Truthfully, I think my uncle was a jerk back then and wants to rewrite history now, as he doesn’t want to believe he could have been so ignorant. An apology would go a long way, but I know he won’t give one.

GENTLE READER: Some things are painful -- but not complicated. Miss Manners notes that this is not a political disagreement, nor a misunderstanding, nor a private thought that was not meant for public consumption, nor a joke gone wrong.

One could strip away the present political situation and the history of racial animus in America without affecting the underlying facts: Your uncle chose, without provocation, to belittle your boyfriend in a quasi-public forum where the insults were seen, as intended, by yourself, your boyfriend and most of your friends and family.

Your boyfriend’s instinct not to escalate had the intended effect of maintaining the peace. If that remains the goal, Miss Manners recommends the following solution to you and him, with whom the joint decision rests:

You will tell your uncle that the insulting posts unfortunately did happen; that both you and your fiance found them immensely hurtful, but that you both chose -- and still choose -- never to mention them again; that you are grateful for his support and glad he has moved on; and that while you would be pleased to have him at your wedding, you have to decline his offer to act in place of your father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a restaurant, I laid my credit card on the table to signal we were ready to pay. My daughter said that was discourteous and I should wait for the server to bring the bill.

I have done this for years, thinking I am expediting the situation for us all -- particularly the server, who may want our table for the next customers. Am I being rude?

GENTLE READER: No -- your daughter is being overly fastidious, as daughters sometimes are. But you could also simply ask for the check.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I started going gray at age 14, so I’ve gotten a lot of comments about my appearance over the last 20 years -- shockingly, ALL from women.

From my friends’ moms (“You’re too young for gray hair!”) to professors (“You should really dye your hair; you look so old”) to strangers on the street, women seem to feel that the sisterhood grants them permission to say whatever they want about how I look. (To be fair, there have been many positive comments, too.)

I used to dye my hair, but stopped during the pandemic lockdown because I didn’t see any point in damaging my hair if hardly anyone would see it. By the time things opened up again, I’d gotten used to not spending my time, energy and money on changing the color of something that’s dead anyway. I don’t want to go back.

I’m married with children, and my husband and kids think that the natural gray actually makes me more beautiful. But in the last few years, I feel I’ve aged significantly, and have become a bit more sensitive about my appearance.

I was out for a walk with my 2-year-old when an elderly woman stopped me to ask whether I was his grandmother! I laughed and told her I’m only in my mid-30s, and she replied with, “But your HAIR!”

Sure, aging is a natural part of life and doesn’t need to be seen negatively. But it would be great if people didn’t assume I was decades older than I am, let alone tell me about it!

What’s a good way to reply when someone takes the liberty of telling me how old my hair makes me look?

GENTLE READER: “Thank you; I’m glad you like it.”

This response is for all the comments, not just the favorable ones. It alerts people to what kind of remarks are acceptable.

Miss Manners finds it strange that the unnatural dyed look is the approved standard. Her dear mother, who was a teacher, observed that children believed that when ladies grew old, their hair turned honey blond.

Please do not be influenced by rude people. Surely it is more important that your husband and children find you beautiful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me the correct way to eat oysters.

GENTLE READER: Do not believe those who advise you to swallow them whole. That is, unless you want your fellow diners grabbing you from behind, or standing around and desperately trying to remember what they were taught in first-aid class.

Slippery little cusses that they are (the oysters, not your fellow diners), they can be speared with that tiny fork that Miss Manners trusts you were issued. Very large oysters can even be halved with the edge of that fork, although not easily. And no, you cannot use the shell as a spoon except at very informal occasions.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)