DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friends, all gainfully employed adults, will often invite a group out to dinner or drinks to celebrate an occasion, like a birthday or professional milestone.

In some cases, it’s communicated that it will be a “no-host event,” with guests paying for themselves. If not, it’s understood that the host will treat the group.

Twice in recent months, when the check came, one of the guests has proclaimed that the group would treat the host. There is not much to be done in the moment without looking cheap or ungenerous, but I feel annoyed that one person has unilaterally made a decision for which I have to pay.

Is there anything to be done to avoid this scenario?

GENTLE READER: Your friends may be gainfully employed, but they are not what Miss Manners would call adults. Anyone who thinks they can get away with such behavior and still have friends has much maturing to do.

The immediate solution, if you do not feel like dropping such people entirely, is to decline invitations to "milestone" events -- which seem to be increasing at an alarming rate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a dinner party at our home, my husband left the table momentarily, and a guest picked up his mug of coffee to look at the novelty message on it. When my husband returned, he was angry, stating that it is bad manners to touch someone else’s cup.

Is that so? Does the message on the mug invite inspection? Or was the guest unforgivably rude?

GENTLE READER: Unforgivably? As in, so bad as to never be excused, ever?

Miss Manners agrees there is an indelicacy to handling another diner’s place settings. But if this had been a formal dinner, the coffee would have been served afterwards -- and in china, not a witty mug.

Family and friends can expect a bit more understanding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper for company employees to address customers by their given names?

Banks do it, call centers do it, salespeople do it. I always appreciate being called "Mr. Smith" instead of just “Bob,” but it rarely happens.

When called "Bob," I often feign surprise and say, “Oh! Do I know you personally?” When they say no, I reply, “When you called me by my given name, I thought perhaps we knew each other.” Or sometimes I simply respond, “It’s Mr. Smith.”

Miss Manners, kindly tell everybody off who commits this deadly sin, and praise me for trying to shore up traditional manners. Surely that’s not too much to ask.

GENTLE READER: Certainly that is how Miss Manners prefers to be addressed by company employees. But these days, she feels some sympathy for company employees who are, as you say, told off on a regular basis -- no matter what they do.

The proper form of address is one that is respectful and that the customer prefers -- for themselves. Note that this courtesy does not extend to allowing them to dictate the form of address for everyone else.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is a talented chef. She has a job cooking for a family of four. They appreciate her food, are not too terribly picky, and pay better than her former thankless jobs in “hospitality.”

The problem is that their kitchen is simply one area of a large, open family space. A lot of her prep work is done at an island, which has seating on the other side. The family members feel entitled to swan in and out, talk with each other and with her, play multiple devices at one time and generally expect her to interact with them -- all while she works to prepare excellent meals.

I’d like to help my daughter in some way. I’ve suggested headphones, not only to reduce distraction but to send the message that she should be left to go about what is, after all, work! She’s afraid it would appear rude.

Miss Manners once wrote that Americans are not comfortable with domestic help because we’ve been raised to consider everyone equal, but that we still expect service and to have our tastes catered to. What can we do in this situation?

GENTLE READER: It is to our credit, Miss Manners believes, that Americans have an awkward relationship with those who serve or clean up after us. That is why we sometimes use the term “help” for such workers, as if they are merely kind people volunteering to lend a hand.

However well-meaning this family is, Miss Manners can understand that it creates a nuisance for your daughter, who is trying to do her job. But it also enables her to speak to them as if she were a friend -- or, if she prefers, a temperamental chef.

Let’s go with a combination. She starts out saying how much she appreciates the family, but then says, “But as you know, I take my work very seriously.” At this point, they are all nodding and about to cover her with compliments.

She forges on, “And I have to work in silence, without distractions. So I really have to deny myself the pleasure of having you all gathered around. You are all just too much fun. I have to declare this area off-limits -- but I’ll be as quick about it as I can.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was traveling with my granddaughter and a group of other grandparents and kids. The trip included some pretty intense amusement park rides, and my grandchild skipped most of them.

At lunch, one of the little boys kept asking my granddaughter why she didn’t ride the big coasters. After repeated questions, she yelled back, “Why do you care?”

I was surprised and called her by all three of her names.

I screwed up. I could have supported her and modeled better ways to deal with invasive questions. Do you have any suggestions on better ways to handle such a situation?

GENTLE READER: All three of her names? That is serious.

But, Miss Manners believes, unnecessary. Your grandchild proved that she can take care of herself. You need only tell her not to yell.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should I address ChatGPT? I deal with this creation every day. It responds to my questions and requests in a friendly, chatty manner. Its responses seem almost human.

Am I required to say "hello" to it before I begin? Must I say "please" when asking my questions? Must I thank it afterwards?

Or is it acceptable to treat it as a mindless automaton -- which it is?

GENTLE READER: Yes, it is mindless. So are dolls and stuffed animals, but we encourage children to treat them kindly.

Why? To form habits of politeness.

The unfortunate requirement of saying “Hey!” to get the attention of a certain nonhuman helper has led to the widespread rudeness of summoning human beings the same way. How much better it is to distribute a few not-strictly-necessary pleases and thank-yous than to run the risk of developing coarse habits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do I have to host my in-laws for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner? We all rotate who hosts, and it is probably my family’s turn. But my in-laws are terrible guests.

They show up late. They don’t take their shoes off. They offer to bring a side dish, but either don't follow through or bring something entirely different. They let their kids run wild -- jumping off the furniture, pulling out every toy, playing roughly and making messes. After the family meal, they don’t offer to clean up or even clear the table. They just leave piles of dirty dishes everywhere while they sit and converse for hours.

I feel bad shirking my duty, but it’s not fun to be so stressed and resentful for the holidays.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, these are all good reasons not to want to entertain these difficult people. But Miss Manners can think of two good reasons to do so anyway:

1. They are your in-laws.

2. It is your turn.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was dining solo, and a family with two small children was seated in my section. One toddler decided to treat the restaurant to prolonged, high-pitched shrieks.

I didn’t want to cause a scene, but the shrieking was definitely ruining my experience. What’s a single diner to do?

GENTLE READER: Send over a cookie? Well, two, so that the other child doesn’t start to shriek. (Notice that Miss Manners assumes that you would rather solve the problem than punish the parents.)

Of course, you can simply ask to be reseated in a quieter area, if such is available. But surely the cookie solution is more satisfying -- at least to you and the shrieker, if the parents don’t object.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have family members who respond to any of my misfortunes by explaining how they were smart enough to avoid the same situation.

For instance, my wedding ring often needs repairs, as the stones frequently fall out. My sister-in-law always reminds me that her ring does not do this because she chose a heartier style. This happens in other circumstances, too.

GENTLE READER: The phrase you want is “How nice FOR you,” with the emphasis on the “for.” Repeat as necessary.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)