DEAR MISS MANNERS: About 25 years ago, I was in a “moms of preschoolers” group. I knew some women better than others, but I considered all of them part of my larger friend group.

As our kids grew up, we stayed somewhat in touch, forming smaller groups, but those broke up during the pandemic. I haven’t seen most of these women since 2020.

One of the women passed away. She was not a close friend, so I was unaware she’d been sick for two years, but I remembered her fondly and was saddened by her death. I planned to go to the funeral. I also replied to a group email from one of her close friends, asking the sender about bringing food.

In response, I got a lecture about how this woman’s husband (always a thorny guy) had said that only two people from this moms’ group visited his wife when she was sick, so obviously no one cared.

I would have cared, had I known she was sick. After hearing this, I felt awkward and didn’t go to the funeral.

Did I do the right thing? When people send out group emails, I assume it’s because they want a big outpouring from a large group of people, not all of whom are going to be the deceased’s closest friends. Is it ghoulish to attend the funeral of someone who was only a peripheral sort of friend?

GENTLE READER: Ghouls are beings who like graveyards; neither your intent in going, nor your behavior, had you done so, would have supported such an accusation.

So why did you not? If it was because you feared that the husband’s statement -- and his past behavior -- meant he would make a scene if you did, then it was reasonable not to go.

But this would be extreme behavior on his part. His statement sounds instead, to Miss Manners, like the bitter, unthinking comment of a new widower -- made in grief and best overlooked.

It would have been better to go, and show him he was wrong. But you can still write a condolence letter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I visited a family for their child's birthday party. It was my first time at their home, and I wanted to remain polite.

I drive an electric car and to my delight, their home had two charging ports prominently visible and unoccupied. Would I have offended if I had plugged my vehicle in? Asking permission from an already-busy hostess seemed intrusive.

I know that in a reverse situation, I would have been more than happy to have someone charge at my home. A four-hour charge, even at high electricity prices, would work out to around $10 -- a cost I would be happy to roll into the usual party expenses. May I help myself?

GENTLE READER: That the charging station was prominently visible makes it a convenience for the homeowner and a temptation for you -- not an invitation. The cost is beside the point.

The polite thing to do when visiting another’s home -- for the first time, or the 50th -- is to ask permission. Miss Manners is confident you can find a quiet moment to do so, if a top-off is necessary.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter married a wonderful man, and I happily support their union. My son, however, is about to marry a young lady whom I really can’t stand.

She tells my son wicked, untrue things about me, and almost alienated him from me. She insists that I treat him like a child instead of a grown man, which I can assure you I do not.

My dilemma is that my son asked me to give a speech at his upcoming nuptials. I know that I am obliged to say complimentary things about both of them. I wrote out a lovely speech, but will have a hard time actually saying it, as she is so odious.

Should I just go ahead and give the speech, knowing that this is the only time I will have to do this? Or should I try to find some clever wording to avoid being a complete hypocrite?

GENTLE READER: Unless you are a second Oscar Wilde (and perhaps even if you are), it is dangerous to think you are clever enough to give an insulting speech without being caught out.

So perhaps it would be better to put on your best party face and give your "lovely" speech -- after having a neutral person review the text to ensure that it is not likely to cause ill will for years to come.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two well-behaved, medium-sized dogs. Every day, morning and evening, the three of us take a constitutional walk, with the two of them on leashes.

Over the years, I have encountered a variety of people who seem to feel it is their right to call to, play with, distract, pet or otherwise engage my dogs.

The new form of interaction, which puzzles me, involves a stranger seeing me on the sidewalk and immediately asking for the names of my dogs. My dogs’ names are the key first words in commands to them, and it is important for them to always know who is commanding them. Thus, it seems ill-advised for me to aid strangers in calling them by name.

In general, I respond as usual: by smiling slightly and moving on. But the practice of strangers asking “Hello, what are your dogs’ names?” seems to have become terribly common, seemingly overnight.

Is there some new social form in which this is considered good behavior?

GENTLE READER: This appears to be no more complicated than an application (perhaps a misapplication) of human courtesies to the canine world.

Miss Manners agrees that no one should be approaching your dogs without your permission. If you are willing to make an introduction, you could sidestep the name-as-command issue by giving the dogs pseudonyms. Miss Manners will not tell, and she trusts that you, Fluffy and Gonzo will likewise keep the secret.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is intelligent, educated, well-spoken and has a responsible job. He is also openly racist, misogynistic and homophobic -- all for religious reasons, of course.

To his credit, he never brings these subjects up, but if they do come up, he’s not at all bashful about articulating his bigoted views. His response to criticism is that he’s just as entitled to his opinions as liberals are to theirs, and he’s just as entitled to express his opinions as liberals are to express theirs. He says that tolerance includes tolerance for all viewpoints, including his.

That does not sound quite right to me, but I can’t exactly put my finger on what’s wrong with it. He is otherwise a charming and enjoyable person to be around. At this point, the rest of the family just deals with it by avoiding these subjects.

What do you think we should do?

GENTLE READER: Keep avoiding those subjects.

Of course it is tempting to poke the bear, even though you know how the bear will react. Your brother is presumably a grown-up, entrenched in his prejudices, and arguing is less likely to reform him than to spoil family gatherings.

Miss Manners can, however, offer you some comfort.

First, you are already making your point effectively by refusing to engage with him when he speaks like that.

And second, you are right that hate speech does not deserve the same tolerance as the wide divergence of well-meant opinions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have the pleasure of hosting an annual holiday dinner for our family, and we believe that almost everyone finds the event enjoyable. A few years ago, we began inviting a group of my relatives. They had previously celebrated with others, but deaths sadly ended those traditions.

During our gathering, these relatives sit down together before dinner and do not move about or mingle until it is time to go. They only interact with others as a group, and only speak with the individuals opposite them during dinner.

We’ve begun to think we’ve failed to make the event sufficiently welcoming.

My husband believes that this year, we should promote mingling by using place cards at the dinner table to “break up the cabal” (as he puts it), but I wonder if that will incite general revolt and make the event even more alienating. What should we do?

GENTLE READER: Start even earlier to break up the cabal.

One of a host’s jobs is to ensure that people mix. Miss Manners acknowledges that grown-ups who know one another ought to do that without prompting, but apparently not in this case.

So take Aunt Jennie’s arm by gentle force and steer her over to Cousin Jason, saying, “You are both avid gardeners, and both Blue Sox fans, right?”

Leaving them together, you scoot over to Grandniece Lilia, saying, “Would you explain friendship bracelets to Uncle Horace? His granddaughter has dozens, but he doesn’t understand what it’s about.”

By dinnertime, they will be too engrossed to protest being artfully scattered around the table.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)