DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been invited to the wedding of a very good friend’s son. When I went online to RSVP, it said, "Attire: evening cocktail -- slacks, cocktail dresses, jackets, etc."

We never wear that kind of clothing, even to funerals. We always look nice, though! We don’t want to spend money on clothing that we will never wear again, or that is just not us. EVER. How do I decline the invite without offending/hurting my friend or her son?

GENTLE READER: “I am sorry, but unfortunately, we will not be able to attend.”

Miss Manners would suggest this be written in a letter and not a text or social media posting, but she does not wish to be chastised for an effort that is just not you. EVER.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran into a friend, "Chloe," who asked if I happened to know her friend "Nicole." I said that I did know Nicole. Chloe then stated, “Nicole is the best, isn’t she?”

I smiled wanly and nodded. I know Nicole to be a gossip and a liar who will skewer someone the moment their back is turned.

Chloe sensed my lack of enthusiasm and went on, at length, about how wonderful Nicole is. Again, I smiled politely and simply said, “That’s great.” Chloe looked puzzled, but dropped the subject.

Is there a better way I could have handled the situation? I have no desire to gossip about Nicole, but I also didn’t want to pretend to adore someone who I’ve personally witnessed being cruel for sport.

GENTLE READER: If you had said anything more than that, you might have run the risk of it getting back to Nicole. Miss Manners assures you that you should consider yourself lucky that Chloe showed discretion and stopped pushing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In conversation with an acquaintance, I mentioned the early arrival times required at airports, and said that I enjoy using that time to relax and people-watch. Her response was a horrible, derogatory comment about watching “ugly fat people.” She added that “all they have to do is eat less.”

I was shocked, not knowing how to respond. After several seconds, I simply said “Ouch!” and changed the subject.

But I realized I don’t know how to respond to prejudicial comments. I believe silence suggests you agree, and I don’t want to suggest I agree with hateful, ignorant statements.

GENTLE READER: In this case, you might have said, “Oh! Surely you don’t think I’m that mean-spirited!” and changed the subject.

The equivalent: “I do not share your sentiment” is a handy all-purpose disclaimer for offensive or prejudiced statements. But Miss Manners further suggests that you find a better quality of acquaintances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent a compliment to the corporate office of a local restaurant about a specific employee. This employee thanked me and said to ask for her next time I came in, so she could give me a free meal.

I do not want her to think I paid her a compliment to get something for free, but should I take the offer anyway?

GENTLE READER: If it makes you feel better, you may tell her what you told Miss Manners. But accept the free meal graciously -- and appreciate the rare exchange of two well-meaning humans being kind to each other. Just do not ruin the good feelings by forgetting to tip.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About 25 years ago, I was in a “moms of preschoolers” group. I knew some women better than others, but I considered all of them part of my larger friend group.

As our kids grew up, we stayed somewhat in touch, forming smaller groups, but those broke up during the pandemic. I haven’t seen most of these women since 2020.

One of the women passed away. She was not a close friend, so I was unaware she’d been sick for two years, but I remembered her fondly and was saddened by her death. I planned to go to the funeral. I also replied to a group email from one of her close friends, asking the sender about bringing food.

In response, I got a lecture about how this woman’s husband (always a thorny guy) had said that only two people from this moms’ group visited his wife when she was sick, so obviously no one cared.

I would have cared, had I known she was sick. After hearing this, I felt awkward and didn’t go to the funeral.

Did I do the right thing? When people send out group emails, I assume it’s because they want a big outpouring from a large group of people, not all of whom are going to be the deceased’s closest friends. Is it ghoulish to attend the funeral of someone who was only a peripheral sort of friend?

GENTLE READER: Ghouls are beings who like graveyards; neither your intent in going, nor your behavior, had you done so, would have supported such an accusation.

So why did you not? If it was because you feared that the husband’s statement -- and his past behavior -- meant he would make a scene if you did, then it was reasonable not to go.

But this would be extreme behavior on his part. His statement sounds instead, to Miss Manners, like the bitter, unthinking comment of a new widower -- made in grief and best overlooked.

It would have been better to go, and show him he was wrong. But you can still write a condolence letter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I visited a family for their child's birthday party. It was my first time at their home, and I wanted to remain polite.

I drive an electric car and to my delight, their home had two charging ports prominently visible and unoccupied. Would I have offended if I had plugged my vehicle in? Asking permission from an already-busy hostess seemed intrusive.

I know that in a reverse situation, I would have been more than happy to have someone charge at my home. A four-hour charge, even at high electricity prices, would work out to around $10 -- a cost I would be happy to roll into the usual party expenses. May I help myself?

GENTLE READER: That the charging station was prominently visible makes it a convenience for the homeowner and a temptation for you -- not an invitation. The cost is beside the point.

The polite thing to do when visiting another’s home -- for the first time, or the 50th -- is to ask permission. Miss Manners is confident you can find a quiet moment to do so, if a top-off is necessary.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter married a wonderful man, and I happily support their union. My son, however, is about to marry a young lady whom I really can’t stand.

She tells my son wicked, untrue things about me, and almost alienated him from me. She insists that I treat him like a child instead of a grown man, which I can assure you I do not.

My dilemma is that my son asked me to give a speech at his upcoming nuptials. I know that I am obliged to say complimentary things about both of them. I wrote out a lovely speech, but will have a hard time actually saying it, as she is so odious.

Should I just go ahead and give the speech, knowing that this is the only time I will have to do this? Or should I try to find some clever wording to avoid being a complete hypocrite?

GENTLE READER: Unless you are a second Oscar Wilde (and perhaps even if you are), it is dangerous to think you are clever enough to give an insulting speech without being caught out.

So perhaps it would be better to put on your best party face and give your "lovely" speech -- after having a neutral person review the text to ensure that it is not likely to cause ill will for years to come.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two well-behaved, medium-sized dogs. Every day, morning and evening, the three of us take a constitutional walk, with the two of them on leashes.

Over the years, I have encountered a variety of people who seem to feel it is their right to call to, play with, distract, pet or otherwise engage my dogs.

The new form of interaction, which puzzles me, involves a stranger seeing me on the sidewalk and immediately asking for the names of my dogs. My dogs’ names are the key first words in commands to them, and it is important for them to always know who is commanding them. Thus, it seems ill-advised for me to aid strangers in calling them by name.

In general, I respond as usual: by smiling slightly and moving on. But the practice of strangers asking “Hello, what are your dogs’ names?” seems to have become terribly common, seemingly overnight.

Is there some new social form in which this is considered good behavior?

GENTLE READER: This appears to be no more complicated than an application (perhaps a misapplication) of human courtesies to the canine world.

Miss Manners agrees that no one should be approaching your dogs without your permission. If you are willing to make an introduction, you could sidestep the name-as-command issue by giving the dogs pseudonyms. Miss Manners will not tell, and she trusts that you, Fluffy and Gonzo will likewise keep the secret.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)