DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, my wife and I have hosted a large, somewhat elaborate holiday open house, complete with a lot of homemade dishes, champagne, activities and accommodations for children. We’ve often had more than 50 people attend.

It is expensive, and more than a little work, but we enjoy the result. We consider it a gift to our friends, as well as a way to maintain friendships with people we may not get the opportunity to visit with during the year. We are truly glad to host and consider it a privilege.

We don’t expect people to reciprocate, nor do we expect gifts, although we do accept contributions of champagne or any preferred drink (a host can only do so much, right?). It really is a case where a good time is had by all, and we enjoy making it happen.

My complaint isn’t with people who don’t RSVP. Let’s face it: That ship sailed long ago. Despite many people failing to respond, we’ve done a good job over the years of managing our expectations so that we don’t run out of food or end up with gigantic portions of leftovers. (If people don’t RSVP and also don’t attend for several years, we simply drop them from the invitation list with no hard feelings.)

Instead, my issue is with people who DO respond, but say things like, “Oh, it’s such a busy time for us and we’ve got so much to do with blah, blah, blah and we’ll probably be coming back from out of town that day and I just don’t know how to make it happen but we’ll try to come if we can squeeze it in.”

I find this downright insulting. My wife and I are perfectly aware that the holidays are a busy time, especially for large families and for people in certain professions. But I can’t understand why people respond as if we’ve now added some additional unbearable chore to their already overcrowded holiday to-do list, or that they’d be doing us a favor by shouldering this added burden.

We get it -- the holidays are busy and you can’t make it! Come, don’t come -- we’re fine with it either way, and we still love you. But please don’t act like we’re pressuring you into some unbearable obligation.

GENTLE READER: That ship which sailed seems to have been part of an entire fleet of departing courtesies. You and your wife are to be congratulated on your ability to plan a large party without knowing how many people will attend.

Everyone else Miss Manners hears from considers this a logistical nightmare; that is why etiquette asks that prompt and definitive answers be given. That, and because it is insulting to ignore a hospitable offer.

But you are remarkably tolerant -- or perhaps just realistic about the state of manners today. You do not expect your invitations to be acknowledged. You do not expect your guests to reciprocate your hospitality. You only object to dithering replies.

Actually, all of these lapses have the same cause: a lack of respect for the host. But the dithering is the easiest one to handle: Just cut if off with holiday wishes and a “We hope you can make it,” or, if you are really annoyed, “Sorry you can’t make it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I went on a short vacation to a city where an old friend of mine lives. I called her months ago, asking to stay with her and her partner for one night, but she said she didn’t have room.

I have known this woman for 45 years and have stayed with her at least 20 times in the past. Still, not a problem -- we booked a lovely place to stay and had a great time.

Originally, she asked us to come and spend the day at their place, then go out on their boat and stay for dinner. Then, last minute, she said that wouldn’t work, either.

So I asked if they wanted to come into town (an 11-mile drive for them). She said yes. They came to the hotel, where we all had a beverage (that we provided) out by the pool, and then took a five-minute walk to a restaurant where I had made a reservation.

At dinner, my friend’s partner (whom I had never met, as my friend is a recent widow) continued to show us his super-expensive watch and fancy gold chain. Then the bill came, and they both just sat there. So my partner took and paid the bill, which was over $300.

In hindsight, I felt I should have asked them to at least handle the tip. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That for whatever reason, your friend no longer wants to host. And that reason may well have been to avoid the expense of it all.

With your persistence, however, she found a clever way to see you and have you pay. It was not gracious, but asking her and her partner to pay the tip would have been rude (flashy gold accessories notwithstanding).

Miss Manners suggests that next time you are in town, you casually mention it to her, but do not ask to make plans.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have fairly nice neighbors on either side of our fence. Each house has outdoor seating approximately 20 meters away from our own outdoor seating area. We live near a forest and get to hear lovely birdsong, owls at night, etc.

One neighbor likes to spend most of the day outdoors and has made comments about how she longs for "a quiet life." In light of this, is it OK to speak at a normal volume when I’m in my garden? Or should I be hushing my tone a little?

When I’m drinking coffee outdoors with my husband and children, surely it is not bad etiquette to have a normal conversation at an ordinary volume. I don’t want to upset my neighbor, but nor do I want to have to whisper in my own garden.

GENTLE READER: You and your family may, Miss Manners assures you, speak at normal volume on your own property -- with the caveat, perhaps, that if any of you gets excited and the sound level goes high, you keep it in check.

Except perhaps to say loudly, “Shhh, let’s be respectful of the neighbors!” just so you get points for effort.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been invited to the wedding of a very good friend’s son. When I went online to RSVP, it said, "Attire: evening cocktail -- slacks, cocktail dresses, jackets, etc."

We never wear that kind of clothing, even to funerals. We always look nice, though! We don’t want to spend money on clothing that we will never wear again, or that is just not us. EVER. How do I decline the invite without offending/hurting my friend or her son?

GENTLE READER: “I am sorry, but unfortunately, we will not be able to attend.”

Miss Manners would suggest this be written in a letter and not a text or social media posting, but she does not wish to be chastised for an effort that is just not you. EVER.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran into a friend, "Chloe," who asked if I happened to know her friend "Nicole." I said that I did know Nicole. Chloe then stated, “Nicole is the best, isn’t she?”

I smiled wanly and nodded. I know Nicole to be a gossip and a liar who will skewer someone the moment their back is turned.

Chloe sensed my lack of enthusiasm and went on, at length, about how wonderful Nicole is. Again, I smiled politely and simply said, “That’s great.” Chloe looked puzzled, but dropped the subject.

Is there a better way I could have handled the situation? I have no desire to gossip about Nicole, but I also didn’t want to pretend to adore someone who I’ve personally witnessed being cruel for sport.

GENTLE READER: If you had said anything more than that, you might have run the risk of it getting back to Nicole. Miss Manners assures you that you should consider yourself lucky that Chloe showed discretion and stopped pushing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In conversation with an acquaintance, I mentioned the early arrival times required at airports, and said that I enjoy using that time to relax and people-watch. Her response was a horrible, derogatory comment about watching “ugly fat people.” She added that “all they have to do is eat less.”

I was shocked, not knowing how to respond. After several seconds, I simply said “Ouch!” and changed the subject.

But I realized I don’t know how to respond to prejudicial comments. I believe silence suggests you agree, and I don’t want to suggest I agree with hateful, ignorant statements.

GENTLE READER: In this case, you might have said, “Oh! Surely you don’t think I’m that mean-spirited!” and changed the subject.

The equivalent: “I do not share your sentiment” is a handy all-purpose disclaimer for offensive or prejudiced statements. But Miss Manners further suggests that you find a better quality of acquaintances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent a compliment to the corporate office of a local restaurant about a specific employee. This employee thanked me and said to ask for her next time I came in, so she could give me a free meal.

I do not want her to think I paid her a compliment to get something for free, but should I take the offer anyway?

GENTLE READER: If it makes you feel better, you may tell her what you told Miss Manners. But accept the free meal graciously -- and appreciate the rare exchange of two well-meaning humans being kind to each other. Just do not ruin the good feelings by forgetting to tip.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)