DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a dinner party, the hostess had set a lovely table with flowers and candles. I complimented her on the setting.

Later, as dinner started, I found the flowers blocking my view of the guest across from me, preventing any potential conversation. I was interested in talking with this guest, so I asked the hostess if we could move the tall flowers so we could see each other. (Some beautiful, shorter flowers and tall candles remained on the table.)

She moved them, but muttered loud enough for everyone to hear that she had set a beautiful table and I was ruining the look. It was very embarrassing, but I thanked her for moving them and didn’t say anything else.

Later, my husband told me I shouldn’t have said anything. I felt I handled it appropriately and the host should have been more gracious.

GENTLE READER: If your husband was suggesting you did anything wrong, Miss Manners will disagree.

But perhaps he was merely suggesting that, since you both know your hostess, her reaction was predictable: You were lucky she did not lower the level of the flowers by emptying the vase into your lap.

If it happens again, you could repeat your compliment of the flowers when asking that they be moved, or perhaps get a firm grip on them as you make the request.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone asked me to confirm something, but I don’t want to because it’s a personal matter. I don’t want to deny it and lie, but neither do I want to admit it’s true, because it’s too personal.

It seems that if I deflect or don’t answer directly, they will still take the avoidance as a "yes." What can I say?

GENTLE READER: “No.”

Avoidance -- or its more persistent cousin, procrastination -- often leads to confirmation bias. Your friend wants you to confirm something, and, if given no evidence to the contrary, will decide that you have.

Miss Manners suggests that a kind, firm “no” would be more clear for everyone involved.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a co-worker who has mentioned on a few occasions that she can’t attend certain work-related functions because she has a grown son with special needs, and has to get home to him.

Since she has mentioned it a few times, I think she is OK talking about it. How do I ask her about her son without prying?

GENTLE READER: The natural time to ask would be immediately after the son is mentioned in connection with one of the invitations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My work friend has asked me to lunch a few times, but I just can’t afford to go out. I don’t want to assume she is treating me, but I also don’t want to discuss my financial situation. I have made excuses but hate to continue to do so.

GENTLE READER: Then accept without discussing your financial situation -- or requiring anyone to pay. Say that you have been bringing lunch to work, and that if she wants to do the same, you would enjoy eating with her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When sitting in an airline seat, you need not ask permission of the person behind you to recline your seat. Once permission to move is granted by the captain, you can recline, if your chair has the ability to do so.

On what planet would you ask someone else (as you have suggested) if you can adjust the seat that you paid to sit in? If engineers and airlines didn’t want the seats to recline, they would remove the option. Get a grip or pass the torch and retire.

GENTLE READER: By all means, blame the airlines. They should not have equipment that can be used to discomfort their passengers.

And Miss Manners would be happy to retire just as soon as you and everyone else learn the basic premise without which civilization does not function: If you treat others callously, you needn’t feel clever for having gotten an advantage, because others will then treat you callously and life will be unpleasant for everyone.

Why should you care about the comfort of the person sitting behind you? Because the person in front of you could just as well lower that seat onto your lap.

Of course, your obliging airline is willing to let you pay even more so that cannot happen. But what if another passenger, having also paid the extra fare, feels entitled to leave the shared bathroom in a disgusting state?

You know, and do not care, that Miss Manners finds your sense of entitlement ugly. But you should also know that it will come back to get you in the long run. (Or perhaps, in the case of an equally entitled fellow passenger, in the short run.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lost three dear friends this year. With the holidays approaching, it does not seem right to wish their families a Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year.

I have purchased blank "thinking of you" cards instead. What do I write in them? Should I share a memory of the loved one they lost?

Knowing nothing I say will take away their loss, I just want to comfort them to let them know their father, their husband and their brother were dear to me and many others.

GENTLE READER: Uh, you did write letters of condolence at the time, didn’t you? With your sympathy and appreciation of those who died?

If you have more such reminiscences to share, then sure, do so.

But it occurs to Miss Manners that if you are thinking about these bereaved families now, you likely realize that they could be particularly lonely at a time when others are gathering with their families. Is there some way you can include them -- perhaps by visiting them, or by inviting them to events that are somewhat subdued, depending on their state of mourning?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please shed some light on what’s appropriate when giving a gift and the price tag is not easily removable? Is it better to half-remove it and mark through the rest, leaving a shoddy sticker mess, or to just leave the price there for all to see?

GENTLE READER: Ink it out, and please try not to make a mess.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, my wife and I have hosted a large, somewhat elaborate holiday open house, complete with a lot of homemade dishes, champagne, activities and accommodations for children. We’ve often had more than 50 people attend.

It is expensive, and more than a little work, but we enjoy the result. We consider it a gift to our friends, as well as a way to maintain friendships with people we may not get the opportunity to visit with during the year. We are truly glad to host and consider it a privilege.

We don’t expect people to reciprocate, nor do we expect gifts, although we do accept contributions of champagne or any preferred drink (a host can only do so much, right?). It really is a case where a good time is had by all, and we enjoy making it happen.

My complaint isn’t with people who don’t RSVP. Let’s face it: That ship sailed long ago. Despite many people failing to respond, we’ve done a good job over the years of managing our expectations so that we don’t run out of food or end up with gigantic portions of leftovers. (If people don’t RSVP and also don’t attend for several years, we simply drop them from the invitation list with no hard feelings.)

Instead, my issue is with people who DO respond, but say things like, “Oh, it’s such a busy time for us and we’ve got so much to do with blah, blah, blah and we’ll probably be coming back from out of town that day and I just don’t know how to make it happen but we’ll try to come if we can squeeze it in.”

I find this downright insulting. My wife and I are perfectly aware that the holidays are a busy time, especially for large families and for people in certain professions. But I can’t understand why people respond as if we’ve now added some additional unbearable chore to their already overcrowded holiday to-do list, or that they’d be doing us a favor by shouldering this added burden.

We get it -- the holidays are busy and you can’t make it! Come, don’t come -- we’re fine with it either way, and we still love you. But please don’t act like we’re pressuring you into some unbearable obligation.

GENTLE READER: That ship which sailed seems to have been part of an entire fleet of departing courtesies. You and your wife are to be congratulated on your ability to plan a large party without knowing how many people will attend.

Everyone else Miss Manners hears from considers this a logistical nightmare; that is why etiquette asks that prompt and definitive answers be given. That, and because it is insulting to ignore a hospitable offer.

But you are remarkably tolerant -- or perhaps just realistic about the state of manners today. You do not expect your invitations to be acknowledged. You do not expect your guests to reciprocate your hospitality. You only object to dithering replies.

Actually, all of these lapses have the same cause: a lack of respect for the host. But the dithering is the easiest one to handle: Just cut if off with holiday wishes and a “We hope you can make it,” or, if you are really annoyed, “Sorry you can’t make it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)