DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just started a new job, and a group text chat was created for us to communicate about our shift availability. However, employees have begun using this chat for small talk.

I can’t simply mute it, because I might miss important work information. They’re all wonderful people, but I don’t want my phone blowing up! How do I communicate this politely and without hurting feelings?

GENTLE READER: As this is now a terribly common problem with a commonly terrible solution, Miss Manners is happy to offer a polite one.

The typical solution is to berate co-workers for misusing the channel, which is impolite, hurts everyone’s feelings and does not work.

A better solution requires more patience. Create a second group text chat for personal matters -- feigning interest in such matters if you have to -- and direct personal matters there. Repeat your instructions as often as necessary. You can then mute the second channel.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised to believe it is rude to point, especially in public. When I was married, my spouse had a habit of pointing, whether in a crowded room or on the street.

I tried to gently suggest that the action was rude, but he was adamant that no such rule existed. I have looked for support in etiquette books and have come up empty-handed.

For my own piece of mind, what is your opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: You are, in general, correct. But as you were kind enough to give fair warning that your interest is not disinterested, Miss Manners will add that there are exceptions -- such as pointing at the truck speeding towards your former spouse as you warn him to get out of the way. Should you be so inclined.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I invited two other couples to dinner. Both couples immediately accepted the invitation, but informed me of the following: One guest is on a low-salt diet and is trying to cut out sugar. Another is avoiding gluten and dairy. The third said he doesn’t eat meat, and the fourth is allergic to fish. What do I do?

GENTLE READER: This is what happens when we listen to the crowd who insists we dispense with etiquette because it exalts form over substance. They justify themselves by citing a mythical time when guests were barred from alerting hosts to serious medical conditions -- and were presumably then wheeled off to the emergency room during dessert.

Good hosts have always wanted their guests to survive the evening. They also want guests to enjoy themselves. And good guests, for their part, never wanted to put their hosts to unnecessary trouble.

In your case, Miss Manners has no hesitation in recommending you provide alternatives for the vegetarian, the guest with a fish allergy, and even the one on a diet.

It is the guests who are merely "avoiding" things that baffle her. The simplest solution may be to describe the proposed meal in advance in the hopes of finding out if these avoidances stem from serious conditions -- or if the guests are merely repeating doctor’s instructions that they have no intention of following.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a dinner party, the hostess had set a lovely table with flowers and candles. I complimented her on the setting.

Later, as dinner started, I found the flowers blocking my view of the guest across from me, preventing any potential conversation. I was interested in talking with this guest, so I asked the hostess if we could move the tall flowers so we could see each other. (Some beautiful, shorter flowers and tall candles remained on the table.)

She moved them, but muttered loud enough for everyone to hear that she had set a beautiful table and I was ruining the look. It was very embarrassing, but I thanked her for moving them and didn’t say anything else.

Later, my husband told me I shouldn’t have said anything. I felt I handled it appropriately and the host should have been more gracious.

GENTLE READER: If your husband was suggesting you did anything wrong, Miss Manners will disagree.

But perhaps he was merely suggesting that, since you both know your hostess, her reaction was predictable: You were lucky she did not lower the level of the flowers by emptying the vase into your lap.

If it happens again, you could repeat your compliment of the flowers when asking that they be moved, or perhaps get a firm grip on them as you make the request.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone asked me to confirm something, but I don’t want to because it’s a personal matter. I don’t want to deny it and lie, but neither do I want to admit it’s true, because it’s too personal.

It seems that if I deflect or don’t answer directly, they will still take the avoidance as a "yes." What can I say?

GENTLE READER: “No.”

Avoidance -- or its more persistent cousin, procrastination -- often leads to confirmation bias. Your friend wants you to confirm something, and, if given no evidence to the contrary, will decide that you have.

Miss Manners suggests that a kind, firm “no” would be more clear for everyone involved.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a co-worker who has mentioned on a few occasions that she can’t attend certain work-related functions because she has a grown son with special needs, and has to get home to him.

Since she has mentioned it a few times, I think she is OK talking about it. How do I ask her about her son without prying?

GENTLE READER: The natural time to ask would be immediately after the son is mentioned in connection with one of the invitations.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My work friend has asked me to lunch a few times, but I just can’t afford to go out. I don’t want to assume she is treating me, but I also don’t want to discuss my financial situation. I have made excuses but hate to continue to do so.

GENTLE READER: Then accept without discussing your financial situation -- or requiring anyone to pay. Say that you have been bringing lunch to work, and that if she wants to do the same, you would enjoy eating with her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When sitting in an airline seat, you need not ask permission of the person behind you to recline your seat. Once permission to move is granted by the captain, you can recline, if your chair has the ability to do so.

On what planet would you ask someone else (as you have suggested) if you can adjust the seat that you paid to sit in? If engineers and airlines didn’t want the seats to recline, they would remove the option. Get a grip or pass the torch and retire.

GENTLE READER: By all means, blame the airlines. They should not have equipment that can be used to discomfort their passengers.

And Miss Manners would be happy to retire just as soon as you and everyone else learn the basic premise without which civilization does not function: If you treat others callously, you needn’t feel clever for having gotten an advantage, because others will then treat you callously and life will be unpleasant for everyone.

Why should you care about the comfort of the person sitting behind you? Because the person in front of you could just as well lower that seat onto your lap.

Of course, your obliging airline is willing to let you pay even more so that cannot happen. But what if another passenger, having also paid the extra fare, feels entitled to leave the shared bathroom in a disgusting state?

You know, and do not care, that Miss Manners finds your sense of entitlement ugly. But you should also know that it will come back to get you in the long run. (Or perhaps, in the case of an equally entitled fellow passenger, in the short run.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lost three dear friends this year. With the holidays approaching, it does not seem right to wish their families a Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year.

I have purchased blank "thinking of you" cards instead. What do I write in them? Should I share a memory of the loved one they lost?

Knowing nothing I say will take away their loss, I just want to comfort them to let them know their father, their husband and their brother were dear to me and many others.

GENTLE READER: Uh, you did write letters of condolence at the time, didn’t you? With your sympathy and appreciation of those who died?

If you have more such reminiscences to share, then sure, do so.

But it occurs to Miss Manners that if you are thinking about these bereaved families now, you likely realize that they could be particularly lonely at a time when others are gathering with their families. Is there some way you can include them -- perhaps by visiting them, or by inviting them to events that are somewhat subdued, depending on their state of mourning?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please shed some light on what’s appropriate when giving a gift and the price tag is not easily removable? Is it better to half-remove it and mark through the rest, leaving a shoddy sticker mess, or to just leave the price there for all to see?

GENTLE READER: Ink it out, and please try not to make a mess.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)