DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother-in-law just informed us, very last-minute, that he’s coming to our house for Christmas. Whenever he visits, he sleeps until around 10.

My husband and I have three children, ages 8, 3 and 8 months. Should we have the children wait to open gifts until their uncle is awake, talk to him about waking earlier since it is Christmas, or just let the kids open gifts before their uncle is up?

I don’t think he’d have any issue with us not waiting for him.

GENTLE READER: Then why are you considering torturing young children and turning them against their uncle?

Miss Manners suggests only the courtesy of telling your brother-in-law that the children will be opening their presents at 7, if they can wait even that long, but that he is welcome to sleep in.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attend his parents’ Christmas Eve celebration every year. It begins around 4 p.m., and we usually head home around 9 p.m. They put out deli meats, rolls and a small bowl of nuts.

People always bring different things to add to the meal. I usually make a pasta dish or meatballs. Every year, whatever we bring is devoured!

This year, my father-in-law mentioned that they always have so much food left over, and that they don’t want people to bring anything. I’m torn between bringing food anyway, as it's always eaten, or following their wishes and being hungry for the evening.

GENTLE READER: Your father-in-law’s instruction and the reasoning behind it seem clear to Miss Manners. Why are you considering violating it?

Ah, yes, so you don’t go hungry. If what is offered is not enough, surely you can eat before you attend.

But perhaps that hunger is for the appreciation others show for the dishes you bring. Fair enough, although still not an excuse for going against the host’s expressed wish.

But you will be gratified: Someone is bound to say, “You didn’t bring your wonderful pasta dish? I look forward to that all year.” With any luck, this might be said within your father-in-law’s hearing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and I bought a home together some years ago (I've never married, and he is divorced). Christmas cards, invitations and whatnot meant for both of us often come addressed to “John and Jim Doe.”

This seems to indicate that we are a couple. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to address the envelope with “John Doe and Jim Doe”?

I’m not a prude, and we both get a chuckle out of the apparent faux pas, but am I right about how a letter should be addressed?

GENTLE READER: Far be it from Miss Manners to discourage a chuckle, but pairing the names of siblings at the same address, without the least thought of there being any other relationship, is traditional. Only it would have been, properly, “The Messrs. John and Jim Doe.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering if you can suggest the proper way to deal with “present snoopers.”

I caught my wife red-handed holding a Christmas gift I had purchased for her. I had specifically told her where it was hidden so she would not happen by it accidentally, but apparently I misplaced my trust in her.

I did not think I was out of line when I told her I’d be returning the gift, but she became enraged. She got very personal and vulgar, to say the least. I don’t need to repeat any of it because I have no question regarding how inappropriate her reaction was.

My question is: Is it wrong to return a gift after it’s been (intentionally) discovered? What is the proper "snoop apprehension" etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Whew. Miss Manners is relieved not to be asked what to do about that vulgarity. As you are apparently not considering returning your wife to wherever you found her, she will focus only on what to do with the gift.

A milder, and perhaps more acceptable, solution would be to allow her to keep the present once she has found it, and therefore have nothing to open on Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received, from my financial adviser, an insulated coffee mug bearing his company logo, along with a holiday greeting card. I have had a close and friendly business relationship with this gentleman for many years.

I did not intend to reciprocate the card exchange, nor send thanks for the gift. But then I wondered if he is due a note of thanks both for the gift and for the years of excellent service.

Thankfully, he does not send birthday greetings, as do my dentist and insurance agent.

GENTLE READER: Loath as she is to discourage reciprocity and thankfulness, Miss Manners agrees that what you received is advertising, not an endearingly thought-out present worthy of a burst of gratitude.

However, she does believe in thanking people for providing excellent service. If you are afraid of attracting more logo-covered items, you can do this at the year’s end without mentioning Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother raised me to send a thank-you note when I received a gift. I am a new business owner and I have sent out holiday gifts to my 65 clients.

Since then, my inbox has been filling up with thank-you emails from the recipients. This would have horrified my mother, who insists on handwritten notes, but I actually was delighted and touched that my clients appreciated my gift.

Do I respond to the thank-you emails? If they were handwritten notes, I don’t think I would be expected to write back. However, as a client-focused business owner, it feels strange to leave the emails read without a response. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: OK, Miss Manners just said that thanks for business gifts were voluntary. She is glad you enjoyed receiving them, but please do not quibble about the informal method used. And you would only confuse them by thanking them for their thanks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was brought up to always be polite to others, but as I reach 50, it seems that society cares less about this.

Sometimes even ordering a coffee is fraught with potential misunderstanding. Common decency is misinterpreted as “hitting on” someone, when all I’m doing is trying to be nice. Sometimes I feel like just being abrupt, as my politeness gets rejected so frequently. I believe other men experience this, too.

GENTLE READER: Before Miss Manners admonishes the rest of the impolite world and rushes to your aid, she wants to check on a few key things:

Does your “trying to be nice” include calling servers “honey” or “sweetie”? Looking anywhere other than their eyes when ordering? Making comments on their physical appearance in any way?

Did you answer “no,” “no” and “definitely not!”? Great.

The world can indeed be rude, but you must soldier on being polite anyway. That is the only way to make it better.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was devastated to learn yesterday that my neighbors' young adult son passed away.

I do not know these neighbors well. Our kids are the same ages, but attended different schools and rarely played together. I watched this young man grow up, but mostly through my window.

I happened to be up late last night and saw the parents returning from the hospital. I thought about approaching them and asking if they would like to come to my house for some space before going home to their younger kids, but I decided that would most likely be intrusive.

Other than sending a sympathy card, what should I do that would be a kindness to them, rather than drawing attention to myself?

GENTLE READER: Gently ask if they need help with the children. Assure them that they, and the whole family, are welcome at your house any time.

Miss Manners is not certain that they will accept, but it is a kind gesture, and something they may well appreciate and find useful in the future.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am seeking a polite way to rein in a friend who is overly generous.

I am in a community of friends that gathers frequently in the summers for potluck dinners by a local lake. For years, the text chain has looked like: “Great, I’ll bring a salad!” “Will be there. I have some burgers I can bring.” “OK! I’ll bring brownies.” It’s low-key and fun.

Several times, one friend has announced that she just made, say, 10 extra short ribs or two extra pots of chili -- and a big salad, and a side dish. And she’ll just bring it all.

While this is certainly fantastic once or twice, as a repeated practice, I feel it changes the communal approach we’ve had by design. What do you advise?

GENTLE READER: “Your feasts are more than generous, but I think that others would like to contribute. If you don’t mind just bringing one dish, instead of so many, there will be less burden on any one of us. Plus, we get to try one another's cooking.”

Which, now that Miss Manners thinks about it, may be the reason why this friend took over the meals in the first place.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)