DEAR MISS MANNERS: My siblings and I (all of us in our 40s and 50s) have had a strained relationship over the past few years, for various reasons. Last year, my youngest sister told us all via email that she would still make an effort to come to family gatherings, but that we would not see her son or her husband.

Shortly after that, she asked that we no longer communicate with her or her family. I understood that they needed to do what is best for them, and have had no contact with them since that time.

Imagine my surprise when I just opened an invitation to her son’s wedding, with the RSVP addressed to her. My siblings also received invitations.

While I would love to see my nephew on his wedding day, I do not want to get my hopes up for a rekindled family relationship, as that still appears out of the question. Perhaps the invitation was sent as a sort of olive branch, but the lack of any additional communication makes me question that. Or it could have been sent as a courtesy, with no expectation for us to attend.

How do I tactfully reach out to my sister and express my concerns without driving a further wedge in the relationship?

GENTLE READER: There is an etiquette for everything, which includes severing relations.

Last year, your sister seems to have been empowered to speak on behalf of her son. That may no longer be the case. Although the unexpected wedding invitation confuses matters, Miss Manners assumes that it is not technically from your sister -- that the hosts are probably either the bride’s parents or your nephew and his fiancee.

Still, it is a communication involving her family, which she cannot reasonably expect you to ignore. If you do hope this is an olive branch, then the way to approach it is to write to your sister first, telling her that you received an invitation and that you plan to accept it. This way, if she means to do something horrid -- like rescind the invitation -- you will get notice before you send the formal acceptance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who talks about plans she and I have together in front of others who are not invited. She also tells people they can’t sit with us at lunch, because she wants her handpicked group at the table.

I know that correcting her manners would be rude. Do you have a suggestion of how to let her know I don’t want to be a party to this without being rude myself?

GENTLE READER: You cannot correct her directly, but as you are duty-bound to avoid being party to her rudeness, she will learn.

The discussions of future plans should be silenced by changing the subject -- gently, if possible. “Let’s talk about it later” should suffice.

Miss Manners recognizes that contradicting her in-the-moment seating decrees will be more difficult. As holding seats is not unreasonable in all circumstances, you will have to judge when to countermand her -- and when it will be preferable to arrive late yourself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother-in-law just informed us, very last-minute, that he’s coming to our house for Christmas. Whenever he visits, he sleeps until around 10.

My husband and I have three children, ages 8, 3 and 8 months. Should we have the children wait to open gifts until their uncle is awake, talk to him about waking earlier since it is Christmas, or just let the kids open gifts before their uncle is up?

I don’t think he’d have any issue with us not waiting for him.

GENTLE READER: Then why are you considering torturing young children and turning them against their uncle?

Miss Manners suggests only the courtesy of telling your brother-in-law that the children will be opening their presents at 7, if they can wait even that long, but that he is welcome to sleep in.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attend his parents’ Christmas Eve celebration every year. It begins around 4 p.m., and we usually head home around 9 p.m. They put out deli meats, rolls and a small bowl of nuts.

People always bring different things to add to the meal. I usually make a pasta dish or meatballs. Every year, whatever we bring is devoured!

This year, my father-in-law mentioned that they always have so much food left over, and that they don’t want people to bring anything. I’m torn between bringing food anyway, as it's always eaten, or following their wishes and being hungry for the evening.

GENTLE READER: Your father-in-law’s instruction and the reasoning behind it seem clear to Miss Manners. Why are you considering violating it?

Ah, yes, so you don’t go hungry. If what is offered is not enough, surely you can eat before you attend.

But perhaps that hunger is for the appreciation others show for the dishes you bring. Fair enough, although still not an excuse for going against the host’s expressed wish.

But you will be gratified: Someone is bound to say, “You didn’t bring your wonderful pasta dish? I look forward to that all year.” With any luck, this might be said within your father-in-law’s hearing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and I bought a home together some years ago (I've never married, and he is divorced). Christmas cards, invitations and whatnot meant for both of us often come addressed to “John and Jim Doe.”

This seems to indicate that we are a couple. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to address the envelope with “John Doe and Jim Doe”?

I’m not a prude, and we both get a chuckle out of the apparent faux pas, but am I right about how a letter should be addressed?

GENTLE READER: Far be it from Miss Manners to discourage a chuckle, but pairing the names of siblings at the same address, without the least thought of there being any other relationship, is traditional. Only it would have been, properly, “The Messrs. John and Jim Doe.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering if you can suggest the proper way to deal with “present snoopers.”

I caught my wife red-handed holding a Christmas gift I had purchased for her. I had specifically told her where it was hidden so she would not happen by it accidentally, but apparently I misplaced my trust in her.

I did not think I was out of line when I told her I’d be returning the gift, but she became enraged. She got very personal and vulgar, to say the least. I don’t need to repeat any of it because I have no question regarding how inappropriate her reaction was.

My question is: Is it wrong to return a gift after it’s been (intentionally) discovered? What is the proper "snoop apprehension" etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Whew. Miss Manners is relieved not to be asked what to do about that vulgarity. As you are apparently not considering returning your wife to wherever you found her, she will focus only on what to do with the gift.

A milder, and perhaps more acceptable, solution would be to allow her to keep the present once she has found it, and therefore have nothing to open on Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received, from my financial adviser, an insulated coffee mug bearing his company logo, along with a holiday greeting card. I have had a close and friendly business relationship with this gentleman for many years.

I did not intend to reciprocate the card exchange, nor send thanks for the gift. But then I wondered if he is due a note of thanks both for the gift and for the years of excellent service.

Thankfully, he does not send birthday greetings, as do my dentist and insurance agent.

GENTLE READER: Loath as she is to discourage reciprocity and thankfulness, Miss Manners agrees that what you received is advertising, not an endearingly thought-out present worthy of a burst of gratitude.

However, she does believe in thanking people for providing excellent service. If you are afraid of attracting more logo-covered items, you can do this at the year’s end without mentioning Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother raised me to send a thank-you note when I received a gift. I am a new business owner and I have sent out holiday gifts to my 65 clients.

Since then, my inbox has been filling up with thank-you emails from the recipients. This would have horrified my mother, who insists on handwritten notes, but I actually was delighted and touched that my clients appreciated my gift.

Do I respond to the thank-you emails? If they were handwritten notes, I don’t think I would be expected to write back. However, as a client-focused business owner, it feels strange to leave the emails read without a response. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: OK, Miss Manners just said that thanks for business gifts were voluntary. She is glad you enjoyed receiving them, but please do not quibble about the informal method used. And you would only confuse them by thanking them for their thanks.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)