Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hold an annual party, for which I hire a person to assist me in setting it up, maintaining the buffet and serving drinks. She has always done a great job.

At the most recent party, however, I noticed she had set up a tip jar next to the drinks. I was horrified. I went over and grabbed the jar, then pulled her aside and said that I was sorry that she did not feel I was paying her enough, and that she felt the need to seek compensation from my guests. I told her to tell me how much she felt like I was underpaying her, and that I would compensate her so she didn't need a tip jar.

I went back to the friends I had been chatting with and explained what happened. They all thought it was perfectly appropriate for her to have a tip jar.

After the party, I called my mother and told her what happened. Like me, she was horrified that someone would seek tips at a party that I was hosting.

Who do you think is right here? Should I have let her keep the tip jar out?

GENTLE READER: Inclined to side with mothers whenever possible, Miss Manners is happy to say she agrees with yours. And with you.

It is rude to leave out a tip jar in a private home. It screams, as you indicated, that your employees are not satisfied with their pay -- or are crassly looking for extra.

Your approach was justified and your offer generous, although you did not mention if the worker took you up on it. Or if you are still employing her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette about flossing your teeth at a table where others are eating?

GENTLE READER: Not to.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are intensely divided over the appropriateness of using the kitchen sink to wash one's hands for anything other than food prep.

I grew up in a house where the bathroom was all the way across the house from the kitchen. We were always welcome to use the kitchen sink to wash our hands before meals, as long as we didn't get in the way of the cook. In my current home (with five children), there is one hall bathroom upstairs, plus a tiny powder room downstairs. I don't use the latter for much, since the door opens to block a main thoroughfare and my darling boys tend to leave the toilet seat up.

Is it indeed mannerless to use the kitchen sink for general hand-washing? Should I send the children to queue at the upstairs hall bath before dinner? I may have been raised by wolves, but if I know better, perhaps I can do better.

GENTLE READER: Even Miss Manners, who was most decidedly not reared by wolves, is having difficulty distinguishing between food prep hand-washing and general hand-washing. Is it the degree of dirt?

In any case, she would think the division of bathroom labor infinitely better than risking dirty banisters or destroying the powder room. Particularly since the towels there are dangerously close to an open toilet seat.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When walking or biking on a sidewalk or a trail, I often encounter three individuals walking or riding abreast. Instead of their moving to single file to let me pass, I’m forced to move aside to the grass or curb.

When I was walking on a narrow pier, keeping to my side, I was approached by this woman walking on my side rather than staying on hers. I deliberately continued to walk straight toward her. We would have collided if I had not, once again, stepped aside.

Should I call out this rude behavior?

GENTLE READER: Yelling “gangway!” as you plow into the offending individuals might seem like a good idea, but it would put you on the wrong side of both etiquette and the rules of right-of-way.

One rudeness does not justify another. And being off-course does not relieve you of the duty to avoid a collision.

Miss Manners admits you might be in technical compliance were you to force them to change course by stopping in place. But this will be cold comfort if it results in your being run down. Better to step aside with a startling, “Excuse me!” that will cause them to look up as they go by.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents run a guest house that is filled mostly with people they consider friends. Guests often gather directly on the other side of a door that separates the guests’ quarters from ours.

When I close the door for privacy, it feels as if I am rudely shutting the door in the guests’ faces. When the door remains open, guests frequently walk into our quarters -- uninvited, even in the middle of dinner -- and interrupt us.

Is there something I can say politely as I close the door? Or is there a polite way I can voice my discontent for the unwelcome interruptions?

GENTLE READER: Please remind Miss Manners to tell the business world to stop getting into etiquette, because they take things that everyone understood and muddy them up beyond all recognition.

Yes, it is perfectly polite to close the door when you need privacy. All you have to do is go to the door, say, “Excuse me, I’m going to close the door for a little while now,” and do so.

No, there is no easy way to tell someone who appears at an open door that they are not welcome: At the very least, you will have to speak to them civilly and listen while they respond.

This was all perfectly simple until someone's boss established an "open-door policy" and told everyone they were always available to talk -- and then punished people foolish enough to take them seriously.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of our friends is very seriously ill. I hosted a party and assumed they would not be able to attend, so I did not extend them an invitation.

It was very presumptuous of me and I feel awful. How can I apologize? They discovered it partly through other friends talking about it.

GENTLE READER: “I feel terrible. I got confused and thought you had told me you were unavailable. Will you please forgive me?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We threw a small potluck birthday lunch in the break room for one of our co-workers. About four of us contributed; we all work directly with her and know her the best.

We put the leftovers in the fridge, and later in the day, a co-worker who hadn’t been at the party helped himself to them.

I’d mentioned that we were each planning to take our own leftovers home, but he said once something is shared in a public place, it becomes public property. Is this a real rule?

GENTLE READER: No.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a moderate hearing loss on one side and pretty severe hearing loss on the other side. A lot of folks don’t know I have a problem, because the hearing aids they make now are great -- hard to see, and my hair covers them.

However, my hearing is sometimes affected by things like seasonal allergies, and I’m often the last to realize.

I was talking with some friends, partly in Spanish (my second language) and partly in English, with some fellow teachers. I asked my friend a question in English, not realizing someone on my deafer side had started talking.

He had made a joke in Spanish and I didn’t quite catch what was going on. After he left, my friend really doubled down on how rude I had been.

Obviously I felt sorry as soon as I understood, which probably took a little extra time due to the language barrier. I told her I really didn’t hear him speak and I would never have interrupted him if I had. She continued to tell me she felt bad for him and that I was rude.

Of course, I told the other friend later that I hadn’t heard him and I was sorry for making an awkward moment. He was really sweet about it because he knows I am not rude by nature.

I know hearing loss can be hard to see and sometimes difficult to predict, depending on the nature of it. But I wonder if this other friend, who insisted on calling me rude even after I explained that I couldn’t hear, knows how bad that sounds for folks with a disability.

I thought about telling her how it comes across, but that would feel like I was just trying to get sympathy. I just wouldn’t want her to show the same lack of understanding to someone else with a disability -- for her sake, too. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Demonizing someone with a disability is, of course, unspeakably rude. (So is demonizing someone without a disability.)

But this can be settled without resorting to such heavy artillery. Even if your hearing were perfect and you merely failed to hear the joke because of a momentary lapse of attention, what you did was not The Rudest Thing That Ever Happened. It was a minor, unintentional infraction, erased by your subsequent apology.

It was far ruder of your friend to dwell on it. Forget about it and, if this person raises it again, thank her and tell her you dealt with it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)