DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thank you for running this column. I’ve gotten useful advice from it many times in the past.
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I’m trying to get out and join more social events lately, but I don’t feel like I’m getting much out of it.
I tend to arrive early, and, at that point, things are fine. There’s maybe a dozen or so people there and I can converse normally. But as the events go on, they always pass a threshold and what people are saying becomes almost entirely unintelligible.
I can sometimes push that threshold back a little bit by using my very limited lip-reading abilities, but I keep having to ask people to repeat themselves, and generally if I didn’t get it the first two or three times, I just smile and nod and let the conversation move on.
I’ve tried several different kinds of social get-togethers for various interests, and they all basically end up with the same result: I get frustrated at not being able to understand 90-99% of the other side of a conversation.
As far as I can tell, there’s nothing wrong with my hearing (other than mild tinnitus that only tends to present itself when I am already thinking about it … Yep, there it is): in a quiet room, I can hear a pin drop. But in a noisy one, it’s like whatever signal processing that my brain does to turn sound into comprehensible language just… gives up.
How can I meet my goal of being more social when social activities are, almost by definition, impossible for me to communicate at?
Thanks,
I’m Sorry, Can You Please Repeat That?
DEAR I’M SORRY, CAN YOU REPEAT THAT: I feel your pain, my guy. As I’ve gotten older – and various bars and restaurants have all decided that concrete floors, bare walls and unfinished ceilings are The Thing To Do – I’ve had similar issues with not being able to hear my friends over the ambient din of wherever we’re hanging out. I can hear whoever is right next to me and maybe directly across from me… but that’s often it.
You’re also not alone. A lot of people have similar issues with ambient noise in social venues and events and not being able to hear their friends or potential dates. And that’s before we get into issues people may have with audio-processing and the like.
But fortunately, there’re a few things you can do.
First, look into getting earplugs. Earplugs have gone beyond the neon-orange foam cones that you shove in your ears before the opening band takes the stage; many places make earplugs specifically for people like you, who have perfectly good hearing but can only make out one word in five in a noisy room. You want earplugs like the Loop Engage 2 or the EarHD from Flare. These, and others like them, are designed to cut down on ambient noise, while making it easier to hear conversation.
You might also consider earbuds like the Airpod Pro, which have been approved to serve as ersatz hearing aids. You can adjust the amount of ambient sound you hear via settings on the iPhone and turn on the Conversation Mode to make it easier to hear the people in front of you. You may have to get comfortable explaining that you’re using them as an adaptative device, but most folks will understand pretty quickly. And more than a few might be surprised they never thought of it themselves.
But the other thing you can do is say “Hey, I can barely hear you; mind if we step over here/outside where it’s a bit quieter?” I used to do this on the regular, back when I was spending a lot of time in noisy bars and clubs. This also had the added benefit of getting away from distractions, loud rowdy groups and frequently giving an opportunity to get a breath of fresh air.
You may also want to talk to the event organizers about the venue choice or the volume; that’s the sort of feedback that can be invaluable to the planners, if the event isn’t being put on by the venue itself.
The big thing, however, is that you don’t want to be afraid to say “Hey, I can’t really hear you over the noise”, especially at social events. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that the place may be too loud for both comfort or clarity.The whole point is to actually, y’know, socialize and that can’t happen if you can’t actually hear or understand what the other person is saying, without both of you shouting at the top of your lungs. Acknowledging the issue makes it a lot easier to invite them to find a quieter spot, or at least to understand that you’re not quite hearing what they have to say.
Plus, you may find that a lot of the people you’re talking to feel the same way. And that means that you and they might decide that it’s time for you all to find a quieter place to hang out, away from the maddening crowds.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com