Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a vegetarian for 15 years. It never fails that once a fellow diner finds out this information, they immediately take it upon themselves to read aloud everything on the menu that I am “allowed” to have.

It’s as if being a vegetarian means I can no longer read. I often don’t divulge my eating preferences because of this.

And it never ends! I can eat with friends I’ve known for decades, and as soon as the menus are placed on the table, I am bombarded with “Oh, look, Giselle, you can have (XYZ).”

Believe me when I say it happens every single time. I want it to stop. What can I say that isn’t rude? (By the way, my husband always says they are just being nice. I say they are being annoying!)

GENTLE READER: “Thank you, yes, I saw that.” And they are being annoying.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just over a year ago, myself, a friend and that friend’s cousin "Grace" were asked to be bridesmaids in the wedding of another friend, "Tara." Tara did not have a lot of female friends, so Grace was asked, despite being just an acquaintance. She agreed.

Fast-forward several months and Grace was sending out invites to her own wedding. She had a limited budget and space for her ceremony and reception, so she did not invite Tara.

Tara was upset and thought that she should have been invited in reciprocation, even though she had not made an attempt to build or maintain a relationship with Grace since her own wedding.

While I did not get myself involved in the matter, it got me thinking about what would be proper. Should Grace have invited Tara to her wedding because she was in Tara’s?

GENTLE READER: There is a difference between forging a friendship and casting roles in a wedding. But Miss Manners is beginning to see why it was necessary for Tara to engage in the latter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While staying at a lovely hotel, each morning before leaving my room, I would place $10 on the writing table for the maid.

When I returned to my room the second day, I noticed that the money was still there. The room looked very nice, so clearly the maid had done her work. I sorted it out with the front desk and the money was left for her in an envelope.

I understand that the same person may not be cleaning each day, so where should I leave the tip to be sure each person collects it?

I’ve always left tip money on the writing desk. My husband suggested that it be left on the bed pillow.

GENTLE READER: This is not so much a question of good manners as good visibility. Miss Manners suggests you place the money wherever you think it will be most easily seen. Or in whatever spot needs the most cleaning.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a vegetarian for 15 years. It never fails that once a fellow diner finds out this information, they immediately take it upon themselves to read aloud everything on the menu that I am "allowed" to have.

It's as if being a vegetarian means I can no longer read. I often don't divulge my eating preferences because of this.

And it never ends! I can eat with friends I've known for decades, and as soon as the menus are placed on the table, I am bombarded with "Oh, look, Giselle, you can have (XYZ)."

Believe me when I say it happens every single time. I want it to stop. What can I say that isn't rude? (By the way, my husband always says they are just being nice. I say they are being annoying!)

GENTLE READER: "Thank you, yes, I saw that." And they are being annoying.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hold an annual party, for which I hire a person to assist me in setting it up, maintaining the buffet and serving drinks. She has always done a great job.

At the most recent party, however, I noticed she had set up a tip jar next to the drinks. I was horrified. I went over and grabbed the jar, then pulled her aside and said that I was sorry that she did not feel I was paying her enough, and that she felt the need to seek compensation from my guests. I told her to tell me how much she felt like I was underpaying her, and that I would compensate her so she didn't need a tip jar.

I went back to the friends I had been chatting with and explained what happened. They all thought it was perfectly appropriate for her to have a tip jar.

After the party, I called my mother and told her what happened. Like me, she was horrified that someone would seek tips at a party that I was hosting.

Who do you think is right here? Should I have let her keep the tip jar out?

GENTLE READER: Inclined to side with mothers whenever possible, Miss Manners is happy to say she agrees with yours. And with you.

It is rude to leave out a tip jar in a private home. It screams, as you indicated, that your employees are not satisfied with their pay -- or are crassly looking for extra.

Your approach was justified and your offer generous, although you did not mention if the worker took you up on it. Or if you are still employing her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette about flossing your teeth at a table where others are eating?

GENTLE READER: Not to.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are intensely divided over the appropriateness of using the kitchen sink to wash one's hands for anything other than food prep.

I grew up in a house where the bathroom was all the way across the house from the kitchen. We were always welcome to use the kitchen sink to wash our hands before meals, as long as we didn't get in the way of the cook. In my current home (with five children), there is one hall bathroom upstairs, plus a tiny powder room downstairs. I don't use the latter for much, since the door opens to block a main thoroughfare and my darling boys tend to leave the toilet seat up.

Is it indeed mannerless to use the kitchen sink for general hand-washing? Should I send the children to queue at the upstairs hall bath before dinner? I may have been raised by wolves, but if I know better, perhaps I can do better.

GENTLE READER: Even Miss Manners, who was most decidedly not reared by wolves, is having difficulty distinguishing between food prep hand-washing and general hand-washing. Is it the degree of dirt?

In any case, she would think the division of bathroom labor infinitely better than risking dirty banisters or destroying the powder room. Particularly since the towels there are dangerously close to an open toilet seat.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)