Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: From the files of “good manners run amok,” is it ever impolite to be friendly?

I work in a bustling environment where my sole 30-minute break is in a shared break room, where I like to read or just eat quietly and enjoy the peacefulness. One colleague comes in daily to use the microwave and always announces her entrance with a very loud and cheerful, “Hello, everybody!”

Two minutes later, having made no other conversation, she leaves with an equally boisterous, “Have a good afternoon, everybody!”

When she makes these announcements, most people choose to interrupt their conversations, their chewing or their quiet activities to respond in kind ... twice. It feels rude not to.

I, however, ignore her well-meaning but general and, in my opinion, disruptive salutations and remain silent. But it has become a daily annoyance to me, as I can’t shake the feeling that I am obligated to reply.

Is it impolite to ignore such untargeted greetings, or am I correct in thinking that she is, in fact, the one committing the error in etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Oh, please. Greeting colleagues is rude because it interferes with chewing?

Miss Manners is afraid that whatever time you spent working remotely has warped your idea of collegial behavior.

It is true that having to treat co-workers as dear friends was a farce that may now be recognized as such. You needn’t engage in conversations unrelated to work or socialize with them after hours.

But you do have to observe the decency of recognizing their presence. Even if it means sacrificing the reading time it takes you to say hello.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my late 20s but have been going gray since preschool. My hair is now about 95% gray. I like it, and get many compliments about it, to which I always say thank you and answer any questions.

What confuses me is that at least once a month, I get asked by a stranger if I know that I have gray hair. Not if it’s natural, or what age I went gray, but “Do you know you have gray hair?”

This boggles my mind -- yes, I am aware of my own hair color. I have mirrors. It’s also long enough that I can see it coming down my shoulders without a mirror.

What would be the proper way to respond?

GENTLE READER: “Really?” in a tone of extreme surprise, and with a hand up to your hair. Miss Manners would probably add, “Do you have a mirror I could borrow?”

But for those wanting less drama, perhaps “Thank you for letting me know.”

Or just “Thank you,” with the presumption that it must be meant as a compliment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are invited to our neighbor’s high school graduation next month. The neighbor’s last name starts with a C and my husband suggested that we depart the ceremony after our neighbor crosses the stage.

I find this rude, but I also understand these ceremonies are lengthy and this is a senior class of 450. What’s your opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: That you should leave either after Z or before A. By the latter solution, Miss Manners means declining the invitation, with warm congratulations to the neighbors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband got a new job, and as a way to get to know his new co-workers, we decided to host a holiday party at our house. We invited the people he works closest with, his immediate boss, and everyone's spouses. It was about 10 people in all.

I am not used to being a hostess, but put a great deal of effort, time and money into the food and decorations. We had turkey, ham and many sides and desserts. The spread was impressive and beautiful.

When the guests arrived, it turned out they had all ridden with the boss and his wife in their large van instead of driving their own cars. About 15 minutes after their arrival, and before hardly any food had been served, the boss’s wife got a phone call and said she and her husband needed to help a friend move some furniture -- right now! She then proceeded to round up all of my guests, load them into their van and drive away, leaving no one for the party.

A fortune in food was left on my table. I remember standing there, looking at it and crying. I was so humiliated and angry. I honestly never want to host a gathering of any kind ever again.

My question: Was there any way to have prevented this rude woman from stealing away all of my guests?

GENTLE READER: Counter-questions: Did the boss and his wife drop the guests off before the emergency furniture move? Were they left on the street? Coerced into helping?

Back to yours: Perhaps you could have told the other guests that you and your husband would help arrange transportation for them -- either taking them home yourselves or facilitating ride-shares or taxis.

More importantly, Miss Manners hopes that with time, you will realize that this rudeness was extreme and rare, and that you will try your hand at entertaining again. It sounds as if you are good at it.

She also hopes that your husband’s new job is not similarly fraught with chaos -- or that his boss is sufficiently contrite that he gets something out of the dreadful experience.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If my neighbor has a yard sale, should I feel obligated to purchase something, even if I have no use for it? Conversely, if I have a yard sale and a neighbor wants to purchase something, should I tell them to just take it, no charge?

GENTLE READER: Unless your residential area has an unusual outside draw, most of your customers are going to be neighbors. If you give things away to them, it will be a Yard Donation, not a Sale.

Conversely, Miss Manners assures you that you are not obligated to buy anything from them. But do your neighbors the favor of not wasting their time by asking the origin and history of every single item, thinking it is polite. That would just be taunting them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to take old vegetables from the refrigerator, come up behind someone and, unbeknownst to them, place the vegetables under their nose and ask if they should be thrown out?

GENTLE READER: Rude and potentially hazardous -- not just for the nose, but for the nervous system when they scare you from behind.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable to place a small evening clutch on the table while dining out?

Often, the restaurant chairs have open backs, so if I place the clutch behind me, it falls to the floor. (In the worst cases, it spills its contents, too.) If I place it in my lap under my napkin, if frequently slides to the floor, because my dress has a slippery fabric. If I try to place it under my leg, it cuts off circulation, even if I manage not to crush the contents.

Most clutches don’t have straps to accommodate a purse hook, either. But I’ve seen so many severe comments against placing a bag on the table, I’m at a loss.

GENTLE READER: Why the manufacturing industry has not caught on to the fact that women carry stuff -- especially when that same industry encourages buying that stuff in the first place -- is beyond Miss Manners. (Just look at how pathetically grateful we are when our skirts have pockets!)

With all the great inventions of the modern world, can no one create accommodations for our bags? Not just at restaurant tables, but in driver’s seats, at pubs, in theaters, on buses? And not just those table hooks that leap to the floor at the slightest movement.

We should not have to make a fuss. But until Miss Manners makes her fortune by inventing a solution that works, she will allow you to place your clutch on the table. If there are complaints, she urges you to turn to the server for an alternate recommendation -- perhaps another chair can be procured. If we keep making our voices heard, perhaps one day there will be change.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I go out to dinner twice a month with a group of five friends. We always ask for separate checks, so there is never any quibbling about how to pay.

However, one friend always orders desserts “for the table.” She does not ask whether people would like to share dessert, or what to order, but just charges ahead.

I never partake of the desserts; I have more than enough to eat with my entree already, and work to resist adding anything else.

I occasionally feel pressured to help pay for the desserts, but truly I’d rather not, since I’d prefer not to order them in the first place. On the other hand, it feels awkward to sit at a table with “shared” desserts and not chip in when the bill comes.

What’s the etiquette on this? I’ll happily chip in if that’s the right thing to do -- although, unfortunately, knowing that I’m paying for a share in the desserts will make it harder for me to resist them.

GENTLE READER: Since your friend’s dessert trick occurs regularly, it seems to Miss Manners that you should come prepared next time by saying, as she orders, “Thank you, but I’m not having dessert today. But you all go ahead.” Then you had better hope that your psychological scheme works and you are not tempted to partake, even when pressured to do so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)