Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as an usher at a popular field house that hosts a large number of sporting and entertainment events (concerts, comedy shows, etc.). One of the rules is that we are not allowed to accept tips.

On occasion, a guest will offer a tip, usually for something I have done above and beyond simply helping them find their seat. In those instances, I politely thank them for their kindness but let them know that it is against the policy of the venue.

Most of the time that is sufficient, but on occasion, a patron will insist that I take the money, frequently commenting that “No one will know.”

I am not sure what to say when they continue to push. I certainly do not wish to be rude (and I do sincerely appreciate their generosity), but neither do I want to violate the rules and accept the money. What do you recommend I say to people who demand that I accept a tip?

GENTLE READER: No doubt such people think they are conferring a benevolence on you in advising you to defy your employer sneakily. And they are unlikely to imagine any reason for refusing money other than the fear of getting caught.

As Miss Manners has observed, the tipping system brings out the worst in everyone. Well, not everyone; not you.

The response to “No one will know” should be a regretful little smile and the comment, “But I would know.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would it be acceptable to include a P.S. on an invitation that states “Failure to respond will be considered a 'NO, cannot attend,' and plans will be finalized accordingly”?

I’m simply tired of the irresponsibility of many invitees.

GENTLE READER: Probably not as tired as Miss Manners is of pointing out how rude it is to ignore offers of hospitality.

Nevertheless, she doesn’t care for threats, and reminders tend to be ignored. What about sending those who have not answered the message “Sorry we won’t see you on the 10th?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beloved and I are planning a small, intimate wedding. Rather than engage a printer, I am planning to handwrite letters to each invited guest, sharing the details of the celebration and asking them to attend. My mother is concerned that the lack of a formal printed invitation would be seen as a breach in etiquette. Can you please advise us?

GENTLE READER: Back whenever engraving was invented, it would have been considered a breach of etiquette to use it instead of handwriting. And Miss Manners assures you that the hand still outranks the mechanical process, no matter how expensive.

As this is an intimate wedding, you need not mimic the formal, third-person wording but, if you prefer, simply write first-person letters stating your wish to have them attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of sprinkle parties?

GENTLE READER: That much as she appreciates toning down the usual shower, Miss Manners finds the name unfortunately vivid in connection with babies.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: From the files of “good manners run amok,” is it ever impolite to be friendly?

I work in a bustling environment where my sole 30-minute break is in a shared break room, where I like to read or just eat quietly and enjoy the peacefulness. One colleague comes in daily to use the microwave and always announces her entrance with a very loud and cheerful, “Hello, everybody!”

Two minutes later, having made no other conversation, she leaves with an equally boisterous, “Have a good afternoon, everybody!”

When she makes these announcements, most people choose to interrupt their conversations, their chewing or their quiet activities to respond in kind ... twice. It feels rude not to.

I, however, ignore her well-meaning but general and, in my opinion, disruptive salutations and remain silent. But it has become a daily annoyance to me, as I can’t shake the feeling that I am obligated to reply.

Is it impolite to ignore such untargeted greetings, or am I correct in thinking that she is, in fact, the one committing the error in etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Oh, please. Greeting colleagues is rude because it interferes with chewing?

Miss Manners is afraid that whatever time you spent working remotely has warped your idea of collegial behavior.

It is true that having to treat co-workers as dear friends was a farce that may now be recognized as such. You needn’t engage in conversations unrelated to work or socialize with them after hours.

But you do have to observe the decency of recognizing their presence. Even if it means sacrificing the reading time it takes you to say hello.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my late 20s but have been going gray since preschool. My hair is now about 95% gray. I like it, and get many compliments about it, to which I always say thank you and answer any questions.

What confuses me is that at least once a month, I get asked by a stranger if I know that I have gray hair. Not if it’s natural, or what age I went gray, but “Do you know you have gray hair?”

This boggles my mind -- yes, I am aware of my own hair color. I have mirrors. It’s also long enough that I can see it coming down my shoulders without a mirror.

What would be the proper way to respond?

GENTLE READER: “Really?” in a tone of extreme surprise, and with a hand up to your hair. Miss Manners would probably add, “Do you have a mirror I could borrow?”

But for those wanting less drama, perhaps “Thank you for letting me know.”

Or just “Thank you,” with the presumption that it must be meant as a compliment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are invited to our neighbor’s high school graduation next month. The neighbor’s last name starts with a C and my husband suggested that we depart the ceremony after our neighbor crosses the stage.

I find this rude, but I also understand these ceremonies are lengthy and this is a senior class of 450. What’s your opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: That you should leave either after Z or before A. By the latter solution, Miss Manners means declining the invitation, with warm congratulations to the neighbors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband got a new job, and as a way to get to know his new co-workers, we decided to host a holiday party at our house. We invited the people he works closest with, his immediate boss, and everyone's spouses. It was about 10 people in all.

I am not used to being a hostess, but put a great deal of effort, time and money into the food and decorations. We had turkey, ham and many sides and desserts. The spread was impressive and beautiful.

When the guests arrived, it turned out they had all ridden with the boss and his wife in their large van instead of driving their own cars. About 15 minutes after their arrival, and before hardly any food had been served, the boss’s wife got a phone call and said she and her husband needed to help a friend move some furniture -- right now! She then proceeded to round up all of my guests, load them into their van and drive away, leaving no one for the party.

A fortune in food was left on my table. I remember standing there, looking at it and crying. I was so humiliated and angry. I honestly never want to host a gathering of any kind ever again.

My question: Was there any way to have prevented this rude woman from stealing away all of my guests?

GENTLE READER: Counter-questions: Did the boss and his wife drop the guests off before the emergency furniture move? Were they left on the street? Coerced into helping?

Back to yours: Perhaps you could have told the other guests that you and your husband would help arrange transportation for them -- either taking them home yourselves or facilitating ride-shares or taxis.

More importantly, Miss Manners hopes that with time, you will realize that this rudeness was extreme and rare, and that you will try your hand at entertaining again. It sounds as if you are good at it.

She also hopes that your husband’s new job is not similarly fraught with chaos -- or that his boss is sufficiently contrite that he gets something out of the dreadful experience.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If my neighbor has a yard sale, should I feel obligated to purchase something, even if I have no use for it? Conversely, if I have a yard sale and a neighbor wants to purchase something, should I tell them to just take it, no charge?

GENTLE READER: Unless your residential area has an unusual outside draw, most of your customers are going to be neighbors. If you give things away to them, it will be a Yard Donation, not a Sale.

Conversely, Miss Manners assures you that you are not obligated to buy anything from them. But do your neighbors the favor of not wasting their time by asking the origin and history of every single item, thinking it is polite. That would just be taunting them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to take old vegetables from the refrigerator, come up behind someone and, unbeknownst to them, place the vegetables under their nose and ask if they should be thrown out?

GENTLE READER: Rude and potentially hazardous -- not just for the nose, but for the nervous system when they scare you from behind.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)