Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am curious what the etiquette is at a gathering when music is playing in a friend’s home on the voice-controlled device.

Is it OK for a guest to speak directly to the device to ask it to play a song?

GENTLE READER: Many of us remain skeptical of manufacturers' claims that if only we keep paying for upgrades, tomorrow’s devices will be smarter than the dimmest cat. Until that does happen -- and the household devices can make claim to being more than objects -- a good guest waits for the host’s permission before touching, or talking to, the inanimate residents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been employed for almost 30 years as an administrator for a company that owns and operates several retail centers, apartment complexes and office buildings. I write many letters to all of the tenants, as I’m the main, and sometimes the only, point of contact.

Knowing that a tenant has lost their spouse, when addressing future letters, should I address it to both Mr. and Mrs. or just the surviving spouse? I have addressed letters both ways and have offended people for either including, or excluding, the deceased spouse.

GENTLE READER: One can sympathize with a widow’s or widower’s loss while still saying that, as a matter of both etiquette and logic, one does not knowingly address a letter to someone who is deceased.

And, though you did not ask, Miss Manners will add two further assertions with equal confidence. First, there is no breach of etiquette in addressing a letter to someone who is deceased when you were unaware of that fact. Second, the proper answer to a surviving spouse who tells you otherwise is, “I am so sorry for your loss. We will, of course, immediately correct our records.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are in our 50s and own a small business, as we have for our entire adult, post-college life. We are not wealthy but have maintained our small business for many years and love it, and we are highly educated and intelligent people.

We have a nephew on my husband’s side of the family who is in his mid-20s and successful right out of college, with a well-paying corporate job. Every time we see him, which is not often because he lives across the country, he turns the conversation to our business, constantly giving unsolicited advice on how we could build our business and bring in more money.

We have never once brought up our business around him. I can only surmise that he has heard about some of the financial struggles we’ve endured from his mother, my husband’s sister, as I know he has shared some of this with her.

I was raised to never discuss money around others, and certainly not to give advice to people 30 years my elder. What is a polite way of letting him know we aren’t interested in his opinions on our business?

GENTLE READER: The polite way is to thank him while looking like you are not quite listening. The amusing way is to thank him while sounding slightly condescending.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as an usher at a popular field house that hosts a large number of sporting and entertainment events (concerts, comedy shows, etc.). One of the rules is that we are not allowed to accept tips.

On occasion, a guest will offer a tip, usually for something I have done above and beyond simply helping them find their seat. In those instances, I politely thank them for their kindness but let them know that it is against the policy of the venue.

Most of the time that is sufficient, but on occasion, a patron will insist that I take the money, frequently commenting that “No one will know.”

I am not sure what to say when they continue to push. I certainly do not wish to be rude (and I do sincerely appreciate their generosity), but neither do I want to violate the rules and accept the money. What do you recommend I say to people who demand that I accept a tip?

GENTLE READER: No doubt such people think they are conferring a benevolence on you in advising you to defy your employer sneakily. And they are unlikely to imagine any reason for refusing money other than the fear of getting caught.

As Miss Manners has observed, the tipping system brings out the worst in everyone. Well, not everyone; not you.

The response to “No one will know” should be a regretful little smile and the comment, “But I would know.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would it be acceptable to include a P.S. on an invitation that states “Failure to respond will be considered a 'NO, cannot attend,' and plans will be finalized accordingly”?

I’m simply tired of the irresponsibility of many invitees.

GENTLE READER: Probably not as tired as Miss Manners is of pointing out how rude it is to ignore offers of hospitality.

Nevertheless, she doesn’t care for threats, and reminders tend to be ignored. What about sending those who have not answered the message “Sorry we won’t see you on the 10th?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beloved and I are planning a small, intimate wedding. Rather than engage a printer, I am planning to handwrite letters to each invited guest, sharing the details of the celebration and asking them to attend. My mother is concerned that the lack of a formal printed invitation would be seen as a breach in etiquette. Can you please advise us?

GENTLE READER: Back whenever engraving was invented, it would have been considered a breach of etiquette to use it instead of handwriting. And Miss Manners assures you that the hand still outranks the mechanical process, no matter how expensive.

As this is an intimate wedding, you need not mimic the formal, third-person wording but, if you prefer, simply write first-person letters stating your wish to have them attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of sprinkle parties?

GENTLE READER: That much as she appreciates toning down the usual shower, Miss Manners finds the name unfortunately vivid in connection with babies.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: From the files of “good manners run amok,” is it ever impolite to be friendly?

I work in a bustling environment where my sole 30-minute break is in a shared break room, where I like to read or just eat quietly and enjoy the peacefulness. One colleague comes in daily to use the microwave and always announces her entrance with a very loud and cheerful, “Hello, everybody!”

Two minutes later, having made no other conversation, she leaves with an equally boisterous, “Have a good afternoon, everybody!”

When she makes these announcements, most people choose to interrupt their conversations, their chewing or their quiet activities to respond in kind ... twice. It feels rude not to.

I, however, ignore her well-meaning but general and, in my opinion, disruptive salutations and remain silent. But it has become a daily annoyance to me, as I can’t shake the feeling that I am obligated to reply.

Is it impolite to ignore such untargeted greetings, or am I correct in thinking that she is, in fact, the one committing the error in etiquette?

GENTLE READER: Oh, please. Greeting colleagues is rude because it interferes with chewing?

Miss Manners is afraid that whatever time you spent working remotely has warped your idea of collegial behavior.

It is true that having to treat co-workers as dear friends was a farce that may now be recognized as such. You needn’t engage in conversations unrelated to work or socialize with them after hours.

But you do have to observe the decency of recognizing their presence. Even if it means sacrificing the reading time it takes you to say hello.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my late 20s but have been going gray since preschool. My hair is now about 95% gray. I like it, and get many compliments about it, to which I always say thank you and answer any questions.

What confuses me is that at least once a month, I get asked by a stranger if I know that I have gray hair. Not if it’s natural, or what age I went gray, but “Do you know you have gray hair?”

This boggles my mind -- yes, I am aware of my own hair color. I have mirrors. It’s also long enough that I can see it coming down my shoulders without a mirror.

What would be the proper way to respond?

GENTLE READER: “Really?” in a tone of extreme surprise, and with a hand up to your hair. Miss Manners would probably add, “Do you have a mirror I could borrow?”

But for those wanting less drama, perhaps “Thank you for letting me know.”

Or just “Thank you,” with the presumption that it must be meant as a compliment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are invited to our neighbor’s high school graduation next month. The neighbor’s last name starts with a C and my husband suggested that we depart the ceremony after our neighbor crosses the stage.

I find this rude, but I also understand these ceremonies are lengthy and this is a senior class of 450. What’s your opinion on this?

GENTLE READER: That you should leave either after Z or before A. By the latter solution, Miss Manners means declining the invitation, with warm congratulations to the neighbors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)